SAHP with 1DC around 12m? Tell me what do you do with your day?

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I'm struggling with most aspects of being a SAHM and I don't know why. I just don't know what to do with myself and DS so looking for inspiration from others. What does your typical day look like if you have one DC around 12m? What do you do to entertain them?

Some backstory... Wasn't planning on staying at home, but was made redundant when pregnant and so decided I'd take this opportunity to stay at home when the baby was born. The fact I hated the job I was in was no doubt a big contribution to the decision and now I wonder if I'm actually cut out for this. DS was very much planned for and is very very much adored and loved. But I really don't enjoy being a mother - in fact I think I suck at it. We have had lots of sleep problems since 7m and he only slept through at 11m. At 13m we do suffer from god-awful early starts sometimes but it's getting better. I know for a fact that this has seriously affected me as I don't function very well on little sleep.

DS still naps twice a day (and very much needs them) and due to all the sleep issues I prefer him to have these in the house, so I only usually have between 11am and 230 to get out and 'do' stuff.

I meet up with friends once a week and I'll stay out the whole day then which is fab, and I go to a parent/baby class on a Monday in my Village for an hour, but that's it all week. I feel incredibly lonely and literally count the hours down until DH walks through the door.

DS is going through a bit of a clingy phase at the moment where he seems to want me around but isn't really old enough to 'play'. He isn't interested in toys and can spend many an hour wandering back and forth in the kitchen/living room/study holding a spoon or plastic pot while I get on with small 2 minute jobs, but I can't do anything more involved like cooking as he gets annoyed at not having my attention.

I try not to have the TV on too much, but sometimes I just need to focus on something that isn't child focused, so occasionally I'll pop something on that I listen to whilst giving him his dinner/lunch and if he is under the weather then I may let him watch a bit of cbeebies.

I feel like I'm failing my son - I don't know what to do with him half the time and the other half I just want to be able to sit down and get on with stuff. I don't know how to play with him and feel like he's not getting enough stimulation. I know that they have to learn to be independent and I do give him plenty of opportunity to just 'be' - doing what he wants. But I end up just 'watching from the sidelines' because as soon as I go out of sight he gets upset, so I can't even use this time to be productive.

I'm really looking for insight as to whether this is normal or what people do with their DC when they've only got one to contend with. How much 1-2-1 interaction do you give your kids and what do you do in that time? How much do you let your kids define your life and what you do? How much does this change at the weekend when your partners are home?

Sorry this has turned into such a rant. I just feel very sad that I feel this way. I so much wanted my son but I feel like I can't even enjoy him as I'm always second-guessing whether I'm doing the right thing by him.

Hello. You sound like you're doing everything right to me. I have just one DD (now 5) but I remember that time when she was about 12m being very lonely and wondering what I should be doing.

In hindsight, they tend to learn what they need to at that age themselves. Is he walking yet? If not, he will be soon and once he is will just want to explore, play with any old object he can find and largely, apart from feeling loved and cared for that's pretty much what they need. If I was washing up, I'd just give her some building bricks or a pan and a wooden spoon to play with on the floor. Or put her in her highchair with some crayons or finger paint. We also had a door bouncer which she loved.

It sounds to me like you need something though. Are there any other activities you could do in the mornings? I found it a lot easier if we got up, got dressed and went out somewhere, anywhere really. Playgroups, music groups, swimming, to the park, to a cafe. Could you make his buggy really cosy so that you could go out whilst he's sleeping?

Not suggesting that this is for everyone, but one of the things that helped me was getting a part-time job. I worked Saturdays for a while so no childcare to pay. I then started to work a day in the week and found a childminder. That in itself opened up a few new friendships, with the childminder herself and the mums of other children she minded.

As your ds gets a bit older, he will want to be around other dcs a bit more. So it's nice if you can get used to some playgroups and things before that happens.

You are very much doing the right thing by the sounds. It does get easier as they get a bit older and start pre-school and things.

All the very best. xx

Im a SAHM of a 14m old dd. I try to get out of the house at least 3 days out of 5 by going to toddler groups mostly (have you found your local childrens centre? - mine is 9 miles away but worth the drive) I found that the toddler group really stimulates her so she completely misses her morning nap and eats lunch there (also eats much better in front of other children)then she falls asleep on the drive home and is so tired i can transfer her to hr cot where she sleeps for 2 hours. That way you get to see people and have lots of interesting toys to play with.
We also watch cbeebies when its all getting a bit much for me and i want some peace!
Also i found a return of separation anxiety when she started walking.
Think youre doing much better than you think! It IS hard work amd exhausted most of the time too!

When my first dc was one I revolved my day round his naps to keep me sane. So I would put him down at 9am , then go out at 10am when he woke to the park, library, just for a wander round town
I only went to one toddler group because all the others coincided with afternoon naps
so I'd get home at 12 , give luch put to bed until 2pm roughly and then just sepnd the 4 hours til bedtime letting him follow me while I made tea, sit on my lap while I caught up with box sets

tbh this is a great time to chill out
it's cold and icy outside
if you get half an hour's fresh air everyday you are doing great

I didn't have realms of sahm friends, I think it's a bit of a myth that people are out and about all the time

you're doing fine honestly

Take a chill pill. I don't play a lot with DD but sit on the sidelines and watch her play. Or we'll watch a bit of TV and cuddle up. She just likes me to be around. I do a bit when she's up (hoover) but mainly wait till she's asleep.

We sometimes go into town and sit in a cafe. Or go for a walk to the park. The odd playgroup which she loves and I hate, unless I'm with a friend.

It's all very low key.

It will be easier when your DS has just one sleep and you can go out every morning if you like. That time will come very soon.

Remember, it takes a long time for you to get over the sleep deprivation. Don't beat yourself up.

The sleep thing has probably made everything seem ten times worse than if you were properly rested. Much sympathy (been there - fortunately out the other side!).

Do you sit down / lie down / sleep when your DS sleeps? At least during the afternoon nap? This isn't lazy, it's essential for your well-being.

I stayed at home with my DD until she was 13 months, and now I am home with her 2 days during the week (DH looks after her for 2 other weekdays, and my mum has her for one day). I found it really helped (during the week) to consider her my "job" rather than her getting in the way of my getting things done. And most people I know pay someone else to look after their child, and that person does nothing but look after the child. This particularly helped when she was in phases of needing lots of attention - if I didn't do my list of 10 chores, that was ok, because my main task for the day was to look after DD.

So your expectations change from "Gahhhh! I can't get anything done because my DS needs me so much" to "I have spent a lovely day playing with my DS and I even managed to make one phone call".

I also sometimes do "proper" activities which children in paid-for care do: eg a session of playdoh, painting, playing with jelly, anything really. But I really believe that my DD is also learning heaps by simply being part of my life - eg coming to Sainsburys, and we chat all the way round about what's going on, learning about how we behave in a cafe together, even watching some TV together and singing along or talking about what's going on.

Also, totally fine (in fact wonderful!) that your DS is into a wooden spoon and plastic pot rather than "proper" toys. Have you tried making a saucepan band? Get all your saucepans / tins out, give him wooden, metal and plastic spoons, and bash all the saucepans! Also you might try a Treasure Basket (just google, or see threads on here, esp by FrannyandZooey - also known on here as wnaky baskets as they are considered by some to be just a bit pretentious. But my DD loved hers).

I completely understand why you are keen on him having his naps at home. I still try to do this with my DD's lunchtime nap, and she's 2.5 yrs! Can you have people round to your house sometimes, so that you can keep most naps at home? Can you consider occasionally having one of your son's naps in the car (perhaps planning a trip which might take the length of his nap?).

As howtoapproach has said, are there very local things you can do? Perhaps going to the library and just reading books? Or going to rhyme time at the library?

By the way, from reading your post, you might find this book really useful: What Mothers Do - it helps put into words how much you are doing for your DS without even realising it.

Good luck - I think what you are experiencing sounds totally normal. And the sleep will get better eventually, and everything will seem so much better.

Gah, I can't believe 10 days have gone so quickly. Thank you all so much for your replies - not had much chance to reply before now as we've all been ill (and poor DS is now on cold 2 in two weeks)...

howto - DS is walking and has been since about 10.5/11 months and seems to be happy just wandering round opening drawers and taking everything out and playing with pots and pans etc. It's reassuring to hear you say that at this age 'it's pretty much all they need' but it's so hard to keep telling yourself this iykwim?

I would really love to go out in the morning but he tends to sleep at around 9am and would fall asleep in the car before we got anywhere I think, and annoyingly I can't walk anywhere in the village, or to anywhere else from here. We have a village hall and that's it - no shops or cafes and very little pavement so it's not like I can even go for a morning walk while he naps.

I've also been looking at PT work but so far have struggled to find anything with reasonable hours that is vaguely related to what I did pre-DS.

abenstille- I've had a look and there are a few morning things we could do, but at the moment he is so zonked by 9am that I wouldn't be able to get anywhere before he fell fasto in the car. I'm hoping to transition him to one nap soon though so that really opens up a whole new world. I can't wait actually! There was a time when I didn't leave the house till 11 because I probably slept till 1030 but now I crave to get some fresh air and a different perspective!

bigchris - Very happy to know that I'm not alone in (so far) sticking to DS's nap schedule. I have a friend who is constantly on at me to just drop both his naps as they get in the way of me doing things and I get fed up of defending myself. She's never 'done' naps with her DC and just can't understand my logic. I on the other hand can't understand why she can't see that her DC are desperate for some downtime and that's probably one of the reasons why they are so badly behaved but each to their own I guess!

wannabeglad - do you have any? How much for a bucketload?? I think my anxiety stems from the fact that I am a naturally lazy person and am quite happy to just sit back, but then I feel worried that DS would suffer as a result. But if they genuinely, honestly don't suffer then maybe I should just get over it and on with mumsnet the housework.

Wigeon - yes, I do nap sometimes (and then beat myself up about it afterwards!) as I just can't function otherwise. I'm actually very very lucky and shouldn't complain as DH gets up with him from 6am and lets me lie in till 8am so I only have to deal with him at any pre-6am wake up and then when he wakes to give him a feed.

Again, thank you for the reassurance that they do learn through observing 'life' as it happens. I've made much more of an effort in the last couple of weeks and have been out most days - even if it's just to a cafe for a cup of tea and cake together. I've also asked for some crafty stuff for Christmas so that we can do some of the 'proper' activities that you mentioned. I did buy some value cereals the other day and let him play with it as he wished. He loved it (although my god what a mess!) so will try to do more things like that. Think I have some jelly in the cupboard actually so could set that up for tomorrow! DH will be happy as he's on play duty tomorrow .

I've also been given some Amazon voucher for my b'day over the last week so plan on getting that book you mentioned - it looks really interesting and I hope I can pass it onto DH afterwards as well...

I also took some initiative and spoke to my GP. She suggested I may benefit from some 121 counselling and I have self-referred myself. I had an initial session and found it so very cathartic to open up. It made me realise that I have some unresolved issues that are contributing to how I feel at the moment and I'm very much looking forward to working those out. The day after that session I felt like a different person. Frustratingly they can't now see me till the new year and want a contribution of about £50 per session which will be difficult to explain to DH but I think it will be worth it in the long run.