How do I help dd with this? (Caution: May contain preciousness)

[YulenoYurbubson]

I drive 4yo dd and her 5yo friend to school every day, and pick them up and bring them home later. They are in the same class.

Our 2 families are good friends so the girls see a lot of each other.

Friend had a birthday party recently, and for weeks it was all...

• if you don't do this you can't come to my party.
• I've decided you can't come anyway. You're uninvited.
• Here's a list of the people coming to my party - you can be on the list if you do everything I say.

I mostly didn't interfere, except to occasionally mildly point out that you can't uninvite people once you've given them an invitation, and to reassure dd that she could definitely go to the party. Dd was absolutely desperate to go and did anything friend said.

I also generally tell them to be nice to each other when they bicker.

At home, when dd got upset I tried telling her to feign indifference, but she looked at me blankly - she really did want to go.

So now dd's party is coming up. In the car today friend was being a bit mean to dd. Dd said "right, if you don't stop taunting me you can't come to my party!" and friend rolled her eyes and said that she didn't want to come to dd's party anyway. Dd was crushed!

I am not in favour of dd using conditional party invitations either and have told her so.

But how do I help her be a bit more robust, and less meek and eager to please around this fiend?

They are both nice kids, I just wish the dynamic was a bit more even.

I'm afraid I DO stick up for dd when friends are putting pressure on her. If I am alone with her and a friend and the friend says something that I think is really unkind to her, I listen to how she reacts, but if she asks me to step in on her behalf, I do defend her. On occasions I have even stepped in straight away if the comment by the friend has been really unkind or bullying.
It's probably the wrong thing to do, but as long as I give her the opportunity to stand up for herself (not that I give her the signal that she can't do it), I want to show her that I don't accept that kind of behaviour towards her from other children and she doesn't have to accept it either. I know with me there's a big issue around modelling the behaviour too - I really have to work on being assertive with other children's parents in front of dd.
Apart from that, I'm afraid my approach might be to try to broaden your daughter's friendship group and reduce the time with this child. It sounds like she spends really quite a lot of time with this child - and any strengthening of other relationships with other children will reduce her dependence on this child - and hopefully bolster her self-confidence.

Sorry, that sounds awful. I just have to add that I also step in if I feel dd is being unkind to another child!
I just say something like "If you told me I could only come to your party if I do x for you, I would feel sad. I would feel that you only wanted someone to do things for you and not someone who is your friend. Friends enjoy playing together and helping each other. Just because they have fun together. If you told me I could only come to your party if I do x, I would say "hey, that's not how it works being a friend!".
It's just an idea - maybe completely stupid!

I'm afraid that one-sided friendships are quite common, as is "You can't come to my party" threats (sigh).

I dare say that the best you can do is to ban such unkind talk (you can't come to my party, I don't care, etc.) in your presence.

DD was moved from one class to the other for start of Yr2 (the ONLY child to be moved, partly for social reasons). She was distraught but it turned out to be the best thing ever because she was forced to let go of a terribly one-sided friendship. Her confidence came on leaps and bounds after that.

I don't have any particular advice, but had to say I ADORE your typo in the penultimate paragraph - fiend/friend!

I think all you can do is to reinforce at home. Talk things through and explain. DD was upset when some friends were doing similar re: invitations. MY advice was to ignore and that if they were proper friends they would invite regardless of whether she did what they were asking. She's pretty sensitive IMO, but oddly robust when it comes to seeing through manipulations.

I do think though that if you say something often enough (think broken record) then it is absorbed. I did lots of weaving friendship/parties/kindness themes into practically every chat we had. But I do feel your pain re: unequal dynamic. DD has a friend who is super-alpha and dd gets cross if I ever contradict something this friend has said (i.e. black is white). Which is a bit wearing and leads usually to me getting all huffy and muttering about me being 36 and X being 8 and how I know what has been said is not true. Gah!

my dd has a similar problem with frenemies.

noone seems to be able to tell me how to handle it.

they do things like finding out what dd would love to go to, they 'organise' it, dd gets REALLY excited, then there is always some reason according to the frenemies why dd is the only 1 who can't go.

when dd does go, we often get a phone call to say the parents have collected all the kids to drive home as arranged & there is some reason dd couldn't be included, so she is left in the snow all alone while the parent drives the others home.

her 'friends' are basically total PIGS - we have tried to get dd to dump them, but they have convinced her that no one else would want to be her friend.

That is awful kathyb1, how old is your dd? Did you speak to the parents who left her in the snow?

Oh this all sounds awful. I have a 3 yr old boy and a 1 yr old girl and am dreading this kind of thing, Im too sensitive myself!

Anyway, I was just thinking OP, it sounds like your DD's friend gets alot of threats like this at home.

She must be getting alot of, "if you don't..., then you won't...." and copying this behaviour.

Im going to stop doing this with DS now .

DD is nearly 14.

She used to be really confident - she does loads of out of school stuff & does really well, but even the club leader has commented how different she was when she was put in groups with girls or boys.
They said she just slumped with the girls, while she was really capable when working with the boys.

ive suggested she try being mates with boys instead, but she thinks that not having a female BF makes her a loser.

i must be the only mum on the planet who wants her teenage daughter to 'discover boys'!

i could really do with advice from more socially-aware mums.

i know some of the parents from past encounters - really foul - the kids are modelling their beahviour on their parents i reckon.

Oh Kathy that sounds awful. For you as well as dd. I had a dreadful time when I was your dd's age and my heart really goes out to you.

Wuldn't it be nice if we could wrap them in cotton wool and just stay at home doing fun things and drinking tea?! (Of course it wouldn't, but sometimes the urge to protect them from harsh life experiences is overwhelming).

Simic - you know, I can reduce the time they spend together. Oddly, that hadn't really occured to me. This afternoon I am taking dd to the library and would usua;;y take friend but perhaps today we will go just us.

Pooka - ha, Freudian much? Oh I do like this little girl really though. I have known her since she was small. She is very bright and exploring how much she can manipulate the people and world around her. All normal, and she will probably be very successful one day! Her parents are rather anxious and strict at times. I sometimes think she would probably benefit from a dose of the benign neglect and unconditional adoration mine get. But mine probably won't set the world on fire. Swings and roundabouts.

Kathy - would your dd fancy some drama group? V god for confidence. Or a hobby outside of school to make a group of new friends?

thanks for your help everyone - someone taking the time to offer advice makes me feel better about it.

she does do a lot of out of school stuff - she is busy most evenings & weekends with it - & does a paper round so she has the money to 'keep up with the Jones's'
she know some nice girls there, but she still seems to lack all confidence with them, so when they try things on she just caves in.
they also leave her out of things like sleepovers or shopping days.

she has no problem at home in negotiating what she wants and being assertive with us - without being bratty about it - in many ways a pretty fantastic teenager!

when i tell her to be with her friends like she is with us, she just looks at me like i'm mad.