Help for a friend with 11 week old

[mckenzie]

A friend of mine has an 11 week old baby, her first, She's a lovely girl but she deosn't have a great deal of confidence (in life in general as well as in her ability as a mother). She's feeling very isolated and alone. Her DH works long hours and her family do not live close by. I try and see her as often as I can but I'm very outgoing and always doing lots of things, either with my DS (who's 2) or without him if he's with Nan or Grandma.

The point of my posting is that i want to help her but I'm not sure how to. Because we are such different people I dont just want to assume that what worked for me when my son was 11 weeks old will also work for her. Plus, I can't really remember what i got up to when DS was 11 weeks old, it's too long ago.
She has being going to meetings organised by the clinic but I dont think any groups have formed from those meetings so she really doesn't have anybody around her in the same situation.

Does anyone have any ideas please? I'm going to invite her to join my 'group' when we meet this week but that wont really help her in the long run as our children are all that much older. I'm also worried that if I try and arrange things for her (I'm very much a "doer" ) I'll push her away as she'll think that I'm trying to run her life. I just hate seeing her so down and tearful and really would like to do something to help.

Sorry for waffling.

Go with her to a play group?
Get her ideas about baby swimming classes?

Ask her if she wasnt to do all this stuff...?

Lets be honest some people bond easily and some don't - i don't.

With DS1 I hadn't been to any ante natal classes in my area, I did baby massage but didn't bond with anyone there, I found myself looking forward to going to the baby clinic so that I could talk to other mums...
I ended up feeling very isolated and couldn't wait to go back to work.

This time round, although I now know people in our area with toddlers and babies - I'm no different in that I haven't really met up with other mums, I am much more interested in spending time with the boys, especially DS1. I chat to mums i meet out and about but never arrange to meet up with them. The big difference for me is that I am out and about, chat to lots of people and other mums as I look after the boys. i'm not a NCT group type of person and never will be, maybe she is the same.

What can I suggest? She is obviously depressed, finding it hard to cope with a small baby and doesn't have many people to talk to about it.

Baby massage - is good, one of the few things that you can do with a baby and it has the added advantage of getting you used to handling the baby.
Parenting classes.
Get a student from the local childcare course to come and help for a few hours for experience for them, company for her.
Speak to the health visitor, find other local mums with babies of the same age.
Mumsnet.
Remind her that baby will get older very soon, there will be so much more to do and baby will become more fun and easier to deal with.
Continue to be a good friend.

thanks kaz33 and codswallop.

Shows what a terrible memory I have. I did both baby massage and swimming with DS but hadn't thought of either of those ideas.

I'll make some enquiries tomorrow.

The NCT can be good. I've made some great friends through them.

By all means take her along to your group but be prepared for her to feel out of it a bit. Also she may feel a bit overwhelmed by your helpfulness so please bear with her if she does not react to all your advice at once ! I'd second the NCT. Emphasise to her that you do not have to have participated in Antenatal classes to take part now.

She could ring the local coordinator and they could put her in touch with whoever is currently coordinating a group. In my old area a recent mum would facilitate the meeting of a group of new mums and babes, hosting the first few get togethers before it was handed over to the group to continue. We continued to meet fortnightly either at each others houses or when they got to toddler stage at Sports Centre in the Winter, which took the pressure off a bit, although I think this has got a bit more sporadic now the eldest ones are at school. Otherwise there may be a Bumps and Babes which she could casually attend.

Thinking further ahead then she may want to enrol for Swimming class, Jo Jingles etc now for a later date as they may have waiting lists which would hopefully give her something regular to look forward to. I also attended a couple of adult education classes when ds was smaller as they ran a creche on site at certain times. Enrolments for the new term are likely to be soon.

Hope she finds something where she feels welcomed,

My Health Visitor used to be quite good at matching mums up with similar people if they didn't know anybody - she could ask her?

My sanity saver when my eldest was around that age and my husband was travelling a lot was going shopping with a childless (but child friendly) friend. Maybe you could take her with you on one of your days without your son? Even though I had my son with me, it felt like a more adult day out, which is what I needed every once in a while.

I don't know if that works for you, but looking back it's about the only thing I can remember as a clear help during that period. (I didn't like the mom and tots groups so much, either.)

My friend and her baby came to my house for tea today and seemed a bit brighter.
I asked her about baby massage but she's not very keen at all and she also doesn't want to do swimming as she is not happy about her weight just now.
Her mum and nan are coming to be with her tomorrow and I suggested that she leave the baby with them and take herself off to our local shopping area for an hour or so to be herself for a while, rather than her child's mother. She's promised that she'll do that and she's also going to come to a picnic in the park on thursday that is organised by a local church's Young Families group. We'll be in the same boat there of not knowing many people so that might be less overwhelming for her than being with me and all my friends do you think?

I mentioned the student from local college idea but she didn't seem too keen.

I'll do what JJ suggested when i next get the chance though and go out with her on my own aswell. I shall enjoy that as much (I hope) as she will!!

arent you nice?

I have been in this boat too and had to accept in the end that not everyone is as sociable as we are!

arent you nice?

I have been in this boat too and had to accept in the end that not everyone is as sociable as we are!

Nice? I just remember when my son was about the same age and I felt awful but I was very lucky to have my family very close by and my husband working for himself locally so i had a huge amount of physical and emotional support. I was also, I realise now, lucky enough to be one of those people who doesn't mind anyone knowing that they feel like sh.t and would like some help.
I am hugely appreciative of the amount of help I had then from my DH, mum and mum in law (and still do get) and so i guess that's why I'm drawn to helping my friend who doesn't have that support network that i had.

I think it's all probably a ruse really though and I just want to be close to a newborn again! I held him for a while on tuesday and I'd forgotten how lovely it is to cuddle such a tiny bundle. My hormones must have been in a right muddle.