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How should older children behave in playgrounds?

60 replies

tigermoth · 24/08/2003 12:23

As a parent of a 9 year old I am sometimes at odds with parents of younger children when I take my son to the playground. I take him to playgrounds because I have a 4 year old, otherwise by now we would be phasing this out. However, my son is still well within the playground age group, and given a bike or skateboard and the right play equipment, enjoys letting off stream.

One of his favourite things is to skateboard or cyle down low ramps. He is too small to go to teenage skateboard parks yet. Half pipes frighten him and he is not good enough to do all the manoeuvres. If there isn't a sign to say 'no bikes or skateboards in the playground' I am happy to let him cycle or skate down small ramps (especially if I notice other childern are doing it too). I expect him to take turns with whoever is there, toddlers or children, or stop if the ramp is very busy. He is usually OK about this, and I am there to keep an eye on things. But I don't see why I should tell him he can't do this at all. This is where conflict happens.

Parents of tiny toddlers (under 2's) using the ramp do not want a big boy careering down it on wheels. If I sense danger or disapproval, I will ask my son to let the toddler have a go, but I will not tell him off for doing what he is doing. A couple of times recently I have sensed disapproving looks and heard comments like 'he's too big to be on here, he shouldn't be riding his bike in the first place' I studiously ignore this.

I think my son has as much a right if not more, than a small toddler to play on general play equipment. He is totally within the age range, and to my mind a tiny toddler isn't. That's why small size swings, slides etc exist. If there is no sign or obvious indication that the playground is for tinies, I think parents of tinies have to accept that older children will be racing around (not necessarily on wheels) and will be loud and boisterous. That's what a playground is for. Normal rules like walking, not running, talking, not shouting, don't apply. Obviously I'm not saying it's OK to push and shove or deliberately hurt another.

Recently my son was pulled up by a parent of a tiny toddler. He was on his bike and as he went past them he said 'excuse me'. I imagine he didn't give them lots of warning, but he had been on the ramp for a while as had other bike riders, so the parent could see what was going on.

When my son was tiny, given this situation, I expected to wait our turn or I'd ask the older children to let my toddler have a go. I wouldn't expect older chlidren to immediately stop what they were doing just because my toddler was on the horizon.

I had popped off to the loo, so didn't see this but heard from others that the parent had got really cross with my ds for being there, saying the ramp was for toddlers. I felt, OK, I wasn't around, but both of us had been there for a while and clocked each other, so if she wanted to say something, couldn't she have waited till I got back?

When I did get back she was looking daggers at me. I shoo-ed my son off and the other cycle riders left too. By this time the parent and toddler had left the ramp but were still nearby. When it was free she didn't come back. So I said to my son, OK go back on, but wait if the toddlers return. The looks the woman gave me!

I don't think I am being unreasonable, and I go to playgrounds lots of times with no problem, but it's really makes me cross that this sort of situation occurs. Any thoughts?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
aloha · 17/11/2003 11:01

Soupy, yup, I wonder what she'll be like when her little angel is sinking her fangs into all and sundry?

dinosaur · 17/11/2003 11:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Batters · 17/11/2003 11:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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handlemecarefully · 17/11/2003 12:25

Bossykate,

I've just gone back and read your message. I am outraged too - yes it would be okay for this woman to talk to your child and say 'don't push' but to violently yank your child by the hood - unbelievable.

tigermoth · 17/11/2003 13:44

bossykate, it's black and white to me. A strange adult yanking your 2 year old's hood off is wrong, wrong, wrong. From this point of view it doesn't matter an iota what happened between the children. If this woman felt the children had to be physically separated, why did she not carry her 1 year old away?

She must have realised he was with a carer. You don't let a 2 year old out alone, so why on earth didn't she see who was with him (you) and take it up with an adult? Surely she realsed that what she did was simply confrontational. I am surprised no other parent gave her 'looks'. If I saw someone yanking the hood of a 2 year old who was not theirs, I'd be shocked.

I'm sure if you had seen it or she had approached you, you would have said sorry for your son or removed him etc etc (but chances are it was as you say - an accidental push of a wobbly on feet one year old).

I know how this sort of playground thing can gnaw at you - welcome to the the club

And I am at the moment, strangely for me, at the other end of this. My 9 year old ds is being verbally teased in a nasty way by another boy in his class. I saw this for myself at a party they attended. I am sure blame falls on both sides, but the bit I saw put the other boy far more in the wrong. My son spent the weekend really upset and I have written a note to the teacher to ask her to smooth oil on troubled waters etc - the boy works at my son's table. If not, I may for the first time be in the position of aggrieverd mother of upset son. I hope not - but if so, I'll be posting on mumsnet for advice. Sorry off topic so will stop.

OP posts:
tigermoth · 17/11/2003 13:45

bossykate, it's black and white to me. A strange adult yanking your 2 year old's hood off is wrong, wrong, wrong. From this point of view it doesn't matter an iota what happened between the children. If this woman felt the children had to be physically separated, why did she not carry her 1 year old away?

She must have realised he was with a carer. You don't let a 2 year old out alone, so why on earth didn't she see who was with him (you) and take it up with an adult? Surely she realsed that what she did was simply confrontational. I am surprised no other parent gave her 'looks'. If I saw someone yanking the hood of a 2 year old who was not theirs, I'd be shocked.

I'm sure if you had seen it or she had approached you, you would have said sorry for your son or removed him etc etc (but chances are it was as you say - an accidental push of a wobbly on feet one year old).

I know how this sort of playground thing can gnaw at you - welcome to the the club

And I am at the moment, strangely for me, at the other end of this. My 9 year old ds is being verbally teased in a nasty way by another boy in his class. I saw this for myself at a party they attended. I am sure blame falls on both sides, but the bit I saw put the other boy far more in the wrong. My son spent the weekend really upset and I have written a note to the teacher to ask her to smooth oil on troubled waters etc - the boy works at my son's table. If not, I may for the first time be in the position of aggrieverd mother of upset son. I hope not - but if so, I'll be posting on mumsnet for advice. Sorry off topic so will stop.

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janh · 17/11/2003 14:03

tigermoth, I am sorry to hear that your DS is being teased like this. Why do kids have to be so horrible? I hope the teacher can sort it out, I was so glad to read on another thread that he has been doing so much better at school lately, it would be awful if this set him back. I hate it when a child is made unhappy and there's nothing you can say or do to make it all right yourself. Hugs.

charlize · 17/11/2003 19:38

Iam shocked reading this but sadly a very similar incident happened to me about 12mths ago.
My dd was only just turned 2 at the time and we visited a local play centre with my ds age 10.
as i was buying a drink fro the kiosk I turned my back on them for a minute but was still only aprox 15 feet away.
I turned around to see a woman in her late thirties grabbing hold of my dd and pulling her over to me. DD was crying hyserically a d ds was stanting next to her white as a sheet.
This woman and her friend then proceeded to angrily abuse me for not watching my child.
Apparantly my dd had pulled the hair of her dd who was aged 5 yrs.

I just remember dropping my drink to the floor and grabbing dd from this woman. She had red marks on her arm where this dragon had tightented her grip.
I was so upset, i didn't know how to react.
I called over the manager and explained that this woman had assaulted my child.

The woman laughed at this and pointed to her daughter.
The long and the short of it is, the manager refused to ask this woman to leave and merely suggested we sit away from each other.

I was disgusted and promplty left as both dd and ds were v upset.

In hindsight I wish I had called the police and thinking about it still makes my blood boil.
I imagine the things I would say if I ever met this woman again. But at the time I was too shocked and concerned for my children too cause a scene.

My dh was livid, and refuses to take the childern their again.

Cam · 18/11/2003 10:25

I am horrified by reading here about the aggression from adults to infants. In no circumstances could it ever be acceptable to touch someone else's child except in a kind manner. Even then, I must admit I only touch children that I know. If another child is pushing your child, gently remove your own child. How people can use aggressive behaviour towards infants is beyond me.

tigermoth · 18/11/2003 13:08

thanks for your kind words janh. Glad I wrote that note to the teacher as the teasing began again in class. The teacher took the boy aside PDQ and had words with him. My son seems better. We have struck a bargain - my side is the letter to support him and his side is not to get into a verbal or any other sort of fight with the boy. He knows he must avoid him or tell an adult if all else fails. He absolutely hates being a 'grass' but as he doesn't want to be best friends with this boy, I've told him he shouldn't worry about being disloyal. Hope that's the end of it.

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