Unconditional parents - help! (BertieBotts are you there??) Mealtime defiance...

[WildhoodChunder]

Another mealtime showdown of sorts... We had breakfast, just me and DD (2yr), DS (5wks) sleeping in his moses basket. It was a fairly usual breakfast, she threw her spoon on the floor and the wipes and I explained we don't throw things on the floor and she couldn't have the spoon back as it was dirty. That was taken fairly well, she decided she didn't want any more breakfast anyway.

A while later, changing DS's nappy, DD 'helping' as she likes to do, passing cotton wool to me, she then suddenly upends the bowl of water I was using over the floor. I told her that we need that to clean DS, and we don't pour things on the floor, asked her to get a tissue and clean it up, and she did.

About an hour later she decided she did want more, so went back to the table where I had left the breakfast out. She sat and ate some quietly, then said she wanted more raisins. She'd eaten a load so I didn't want to give her any more as it might upset her tummy - I explained there were no more raisins today as if she eats too many she will get a sore tummy. I offered alternatives... She looks directly at me and upends her cereal bowl over the floor and all over her trousers. I told her we don't do that as it makes a mess and mummy has to clean it up, and removed her from the area. I took her trousers off to stick in the wash and left her trouserless (as I knew DH was down shortly and would ask why she had no trousers on - we have a warm house so she was plenty warm enough without).

DH arrives, asks her why she's not got trousers on, she says (chirpily):

"Put milk on floor"

DH: "You put milk on the floor? Oh, DD."

DD: "Yes. Milk on floor... on trousers."

DH: "You got the milk on your trousers? Oh dear. We don't do that it makes a big mess."

DD: "Never mind. We clean up." (Grins)

I'm certain she's doing it to provoke a response, just to see what I do, but I'm feeling very ineffective... The cereal bowl seemed to be a direct retaliation for not being allowed more raisins, I don't feel I have any tools to handle that well. Help!

IME it doesn't come unstuck at the 'why' stage if there is a sound reason behind it.

But be prepared to repeat the reason a million times!

And if it does come unstuck, it may be time to reconsider the request/rule.

It occurred to me that she doesn't see "making a mess" and "clearing up" as things to be avoided in particular - that's why she said "never mind, clear up!" (As BB said, it's all interesting to her).

So instead of just saying "you made a mess and I have to clear up" - which to her is like saying "oh look, we've run out of apples, we have to buy some more" - maybe say"I'm annoyed because I have to clear up" and then use "annoyed" whenever things like that happen.

Who was it who said it's as if they're learning a foreign language?

I've not read the UP books but I do like to think I listen to my children and don't just trample on their feelings...

However, what strikes me about this situation is that your daughter got exactly what she wanted, which was your full attention. She tipped the bowl up, got to clean up with mummy (all quite fun for a little child), and all the attention was on her and not on her little brother (no coincidence he was having his nappy changed). I think this is completely normal, if not desirable, no-one wants to be supplanted by a squeaking squealing baby, but it does occur to me that if you spend a lot of time explaining things and bending down to rationalise things and making her clear up, she's basically delighted.

So, I wonder if, within the boundaries of UP, you can pay her less attention for the bad behaviour, which may be driven by jealousy and boundary pushing, as well as a bit of an experiment (IYSWIM)! I personally found that making my two year old a helper didn't help at all, actually she didn't want to help with nappy changes and would rather have played by herself, and hence less incidents like this occured if I didn't push the 'don't we all love your new little sister' line. Then attention given separately seemed to work better.

As for dropping/throwing spoons, this is so normal, as someone said, give them things to drop from a high chair, and if a spoon is thrown, assume it means the end of a meal and take the dinner away.

Thanks - Bertie, you're right that I am focused on the negative reinforcement, thank you for pointing that out, I'm consciously trying to reframe my emphasis as a result. Good news is we're having some success with not-spilling and I think a combination of the "X is for Y" approach and realising that Vesela is absolutely right, DD thinks cleaning is fun (which I realised on Saturday as she joined in scrubbing the kitchen floor). I think DD is also, as Onetoomanycornettos suggests, coming to the end of the meal when she starts tipping things over, so I am watching like a hawk for signs of her starting to play rather than eat and found that if I ask if she's finished and start moving the bowl away, she'll tell me if she wants more (in which case she gets it back), or let it go if she's not bothered. And so far, that seems to be heading off spillages. She even told me she'd finished and gave me her bowl earlier!

She'll probably start experimenting with something else next, but for the moment we're having harmonious meals again, thanks all for the help. :)

That's great news! Well done!