Over-complicated 5 year old

[10isenough]

Oh what to do....

I need advice on how to help my highly strung 5 (nearly 6) year old navigate the ups and downs of life.

She is an intelligent and articulate child who is kind and thoughtful but tends to over-think absolutely everything to the point where she is often crippled by indecision and lack of confidence. What to wear, how to greet friends, what to draw, how to make friends and keep existing ones, ask for things from strangers, influence her friends etc.

She has always been a 'heavy weather' child and I've been exasperated by her self-defeating behaviour so many times right from day one. Severe separation anxiety, pooing phobia, leg hugging at parties...it seems that where ever there is 'fun' by other children's standards, for her its a stressful situation which she'd rather not have to be involved with. If she does manage to let herself go and have fun it is nearly always followed by claims that she didn't have fun & somehow it's our (myself & husband's) faults.

I am not a critical parent (to her face!) and my husband & I are forever pep talking her, trying to bolster her confidence. She's not always like it but at the moment I feel like things are geting worse and she's holding herself back. I know she is very over-tired at the moment. She sleeps from 7pm til 8.15am when we always have to wake her up for school but get tears & tantrums most mornings. At weekends she's often pale and moody by the afternoon (same after school).

I really can't understand where it all comes from. She has a very stable day to day life, involved and loving mum, dad, grandparents. I don't work full time, we are not stressed at home about money or relationships. I used to think that this was just parenting but we have another dd (nearly 2) and she is sunny, fun, very out-going. Even taking into account 'second child' factor, it makes me feel even more sure that dd1 is not right.

Does she have mental health problems, is spoilt or will grow out of it. What do I do to help & cope with her moods/negativity?

Please help with any advice or comments!

Regarding the praise: personally I would say be careful with it - it can come across as "fake" or patronising (that was how it was for me as a child). Before you say anything about the picture, think what you would say to an adult in the same situation. A lot of authors talk about just watching, being attentive without saying anything (eg. Jesper Juul). To be quite honest I think I'd have appreciated this more as a child.

My DD is very similar, and this has been an interesting thread for me. I think like OP that I am constantly trying to coach DD to be something different and (at least internally) comparing her negatively to her much more outgoing and easier sister. So perhaps I should try the 'supporting her where she is' approach as well. I quite liked the HSC book, by the way.

But I did just want to say to the OP that I think some of these responses perhaps under-estimate just how tiring and hard it can be parenting a child like this, and constantly having to deal with grumbles and negativity. However much you try to change your attitude it's still hard work, and you deserve recognition for that.

I too struggle with knowing when to push and when to support. To give a specific example, DD1 has recently become scared of the dark and going up/down stairs on her own (she's 5 and a half). What should I do? Do I go upstairs to the toilet with her, put the bathroom light on etc, or gently (or firmly) encourage her that she can do it herself? She used to be OK about this, but has recently become more fearful.

Simple answer - she's attention seeking.

Attention seeking is not a bad thing, it means that the child feels she needs more attention.

So give her lots of attention - for positive behavior.

When she's sitting on the floor blaming you for the weather, park yourself on the sofa with a book, and read until she stops whining.

My youngest sounds a bit like this, a touch of the am drams, collapsing on the floor due to the lack of snow, generally moaning and wingeing or being ungrateful and it is very annoying. However, I don't think you will jolly her out of it and there's no point saying 'there might be snow later' when there may well not. I don't always succeed in ignoring it, but positive attention works well, as colditz points out.