Tell me honestly, do you enjoy your children?

[missinghamster]

I am a SAHM with 3 children aged 10, 8 and 5. Because of DH's job we live in a country where women have little independence. I cannot work or drive, and DH travels a lot for work which means I am often in the house with the children all weekend.

My children seem to fight constantly. I don't know why but our family dynamics just seem all wrong, and everyone seems miserable a lot of the time. This is so not how I imagined family life to be. I desperately wanted lots of children, I really enjoyed the baby and toddler stage although it was hard work. But now I just can't wait for them to go back to school on Mondays so I can get away from them for a while. This just seems so wrong somehow, I thought having children would be enjoyable most of the time.

DS(8) seems to have made his aim in life to wind up his sisters the whole time, DD(5) spends what seems like 90% of the time crying, and DD(10) tells me I never do anything with her and always seems bored and unhappy. I try really hard to play with them, do crafts, baking etc but I want them to just go and play sometimes too. But whatever I do always seems to end up with them fighting and me annoyed and shouting too much.

I feel so guilty that I don't enjoy spending time with my children!

Gay40, DH is fine about giving me time alone when he can, he has taken them away on his own even. He doesn't seem to find them nearly as hard work as I do. I do think they are quite difficult children, but that could just be my perception, I don't know.

I really want to work now they are older, but I can't see how it's possible, both because of where we're living and because DH's job is so demanding.

I am just so happy when they go to bed, then I feel bad and think I must try harder tomorrow.

You have my sympathies- I feel like you a lot of the time! I was an only child, and dreamed of having a big happy family- unfortunately, like yours, my 3 (6,5 and 3) seem to spend most of their time squabbling and fighting. Although today, by some miracle they all seem to be playing nicely upstairs . No doubt there will be a payback for this peace in the shape of a giant mess, but I am relishing it while it lasts!

I console myself with the fact that you shouldn't expect to enjoy your children all the time. As long as you enjoy them some of the time, and can (with the aid of MN and alcohol!) cope with the not-so-fun times, it's ok!

I've come to terms with the fact that although I enjoy doing arty/ crafty stuff with the kids, and enjoy reading to them and snuggling up with a good movie, I don't particularly enjoy playing at being a dog/ goat/ totem pole- that's where they have each other! Don't be too hard on yourself- I think it's fairly normal to feel like it's hard going sometimes

Have you got friends there that you say these things to? Everyone has times where they feel like this (even if they have lots of support and aren't in a foreign country) - I get through by having a glass of wine and a moan to friends - repay them the same way.

If you're isolated everything always seems a whole lot worse.

That said - 3 hours until gin-o'clock for me!

Thanks everyone, hopefully just a particularly bad weekend. I do have friends to moan to, although most of them do seem really calm and happy with their little ones! I know I should feel lucky to have 3 healthy children, I know that I am.

I had a similar problem to you a few years ago. We had moved away to work for my family and my parents and DH worked very long hours (hotel). We were there 3 years and I struggled and ended up becoming quite depressed. My children were only 1 and 3 but being cooped up was hell on earth and I didn't really make any friends. I tried to get out to baby groups but it was very very hard and I found it hard being with my kids alone all the time. I really do feel for you. Can you learn to drive? It will take a while but will help a lot.

For us moving back to where we used to live was the only answer and we did so 2 years ago. I am 100% happier now and enjoy my kids a lot more. Sorry I doubt this is what you want to hear but I just wanted to say do not feel bad. It is really hard and anyone would feel the same in your situation.

Sorry I can't give you more constructive advice :(

Thanks Nikki. Good things have improved for you now. Unfortunately I'm not allowed to drive even if I wanted to. I think I would cope better with the situation if DH was around more at the weekends so I could have a proper break, although even then there's not really anywhere to go on my own. I think I will have to fly away somewhere for a weekend!

It does sound like the situation you are in is adding to the way you're feeling.

I love DS more than anything in the world, but if I'm honest my day to day life was happier before I was a mother and could spend my time doing as I pleased.

Yes I suppose I'm just a bit disappointed with myself that I don't love this parenting thing as much as I thought I would. If I hadn't had children I would no doubt be desperate to have them by now. I gave up my job and didn't look back initially, now it seems I need to re-think a bit.

JoolyJoolyjoo - I am like yourself, only child wanted a big famil (which I was lucky enough to get) buts it not how I imagine it. The thing that really gets to me is the fighting - between the children. If one had a shitty stick the other would want it. The main problem is between my 8 and 9 year old. People tell me oh they will be great friends when they are older but thats hard to imagine when my daughter said the other day that she wished her brother was dead because he makes her so unhappy.

Parenting is hard work isn't it and I think peoples experiences vary of how much they enjoy it, people need support and other sto empathise. Parents also need time and space to be themselves.

I have a very stressful job, which involves some deeply harrowing situations on a regular basis but I do not find it half as stressful or testing as being a Mum!!

The stick comment is so true - but I think most siblings are like this - when you have more than 2 dc together, it just feels like constant bickering. My dc do like each other but are very vocal about arguments (neighbours with 1 dc have felt a need to comment in the past).

However when I see them sleeping I do love being a mum!

Got to go - dc2 & 3 are fighting to the death over plastic tat

slipper that sounds very familiar - it gets me down that they seem to hate each other. Mine also say they wish they didn't have a brother/sister. DH is from a big family and it doesn't seem to get him down nearly as much.