no Invites Back to play

[WaterlooSunset]

MY 10 year old DC has a couple of very close friends, they get on really well at school and see each other out of school also. She also has a wider circle of friends at school and we invite them back to play occasionaly (it's hard to do this often, as I work full-time). However, they NEVER invite her back. I feel so annoyed and upset for her. I don't understand it - they invite others from the wider circle of friends home regularly, so it's not that their lives are too busy for play-dates. And they seem to have a fine time with DD when they come to play here. SO why is she excluded? It's not that I expect tit for tat - if they just invited her once in a while, I'd be happy for her - but they don't. She's a lovely girl (if shy) and hasn't got any enemies - but for some reason, It's got to the stage now where she is keen to invite one of them here again - but I don't see why I should keep hosting these children when the favour isn't returned. But I don't want to upset DD and I don't want to discourage her from being soiciable. Needless to say, I don't know the parents well as I work full-time and seldom see them at the school gates.

What to do?

It must be very hard for you to see that happen but maybe your dd hasn't noticed it. Has she said anything to you about it? If she hasn't then I would keep having her friends back but maybe not as frequently as before. I can appreciate it's difficult but ultimately if your dd is fine about it then I'm not sure there's much else to be done.

Join the club! I have this and agree how annoying it is. My DD had a friend that we constantly had round, took swimming, to the park etc. Never got an invite back but I accepted that some parents just don't like other kids round their house so I put up with this. Then one day, we had 4 DD friends round for play afternoon and at pick up time, this girls mum asked another mum for HER daughter to come home to play, this was in front of me and my DH! I didn't know if they were being blatantly rude or just thoughtless! Suffice to say, we never have her round now.
To answer your query, I think a lot of it is the mums who know each other. You could be underhanded and say to your DD to suggest to these other girls for them to ask their mums for her to come round?
I think as they get older, they start doing much more of their own organising of their social lifes and you can step out of it.

Decena - that's outrageous! But I can really relate to your exeperience. Where do these people learn their manners?? I can't imagine EVER doing that, and I certinly can't get why a MUM would do that to you and your DD.

Knackered76 - I think you're probably right, and I don't think she does notice - but I start to feel very uncomforatble with the situation and don't feel like I can bring myself to keep inviting them!

Is it perhaps because you don't see them at school gates and so they don't know you?

Could you pop a note to one of the mums? One that your dd ahs ahd over a few times?

'DD has been asking if she could go to your dd's to play. If it's ok with you, could she possibly come around one day?'

If they don't reply, they're buggers and stop inviting them. You are not free childcare.

Ooh dear - it's so sad isn't it. My DS1 (7) has this too and he DOES notice and asks me why he never gets invited or asked to b-day parties. He also seems to have friends at school who he gets on with, but even though I invite them round, and they come, he never gets asked back. I can't see that he's weird or horrible or anything. The only thing I can see that one of his friends Mums is obvioulsy a bit thick and not socially able ( Sorry I know that sounds horrible - but there you go!). His other best friend is one of 5 and his Mum is always on the road to one club or sports lesson or otherwise manically busy. I try to tell DS1 that D's Mum is very busy, but I can't really say L's Mum is thick and antisocial can I or it will get straight back to school

I also though - maybe it's me. Maybe the other Mums don;t like the look of me, but DS2 seems to have loads of buddies and is always being asked for play dates, so unless there's a 'Wehatemargeclub' in Y3 I don;t think it can be the case. Also some of the Mums are the same in Y1 and Y3. I feel so sorry for DS1.

Oh marge and waterloo. Your dc can come over to mine anytime. Sure no one hates you.

Thick and antisocial more likely . I shouldn't laugh but I did very much.

I think its most likely that the parents don't know you to ask you, the only way I can think around this is that you try to engage them in a return conversation when they come to collect their kids from yours."They've had such a great time, really enjoyed themselves, we must do it again soon..............." & hope that they respond with an invite.
The other thing to add is that I have found so far that playdates go in cycles, we do loads for a while and then none at all ie this term.
I have no idea with 2 out of the 4 that we regularly playdate with, whether its my turn or not - the other 2 I know it IS my turn , now you have reminded me, I must pull my finger out and get organised, I was kind of aware that we've not done any in ages but was enjoying the break TBH

Thanks Wowooo. I am going to keep inviting everyone round and try to embarrass the other Mums into inviting DS1. I think perseverence is the key.

If people used to invite your DD and you refused you may find people think your DD doesn't like " going to play" on her own.

It occurs to me reading this thread that there is a friend of DS who I don't invite back here tho Ds goes to their house. I did invite once or twice, but at that point child or maybe parents were not happy for it to happen, so I don't offer any more.

I've always had this with DD, I am a SAHM,easy to find at school gate, DD (9yo) is delightful (if I say so myself). Perfectly sweet and polite and well-behaved.

DSs are rambunctious and occasionally argumentative and too quick with fists at home or away, they nearly always get invited back.

So I think maybe it's a girl-boy thing?!

My kids always notice if not invited back, especially if not within 3 days..., now first thing I demand when they want to invite someone is that they don't nag me about when they will get to go play around the other child's house.

Could you be cheeky and ask one of the mums to have your DD while you have a dentist or other appointment? Afterwards tell mum what a lovely time they had.

I think there is a degree of truth in the notion on my not knowing the parents a and not being at the school gate. But there isn't much I can do about that. And I'm not brazen enough to try the direct approach!