How do you help your child stand up for themselves?

[paolosgirl]

Both of mine are not very good at standing up for themselves. If someone says something nasty to them they're very quick to start crying. DD came home from Rainbows tonight in tears because a couple of girls had laughed at her for something minor. I tried to be cool about it (felt like getting them both by the scruff of the necks ) - but I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to help DD and DS not take things that other kids say so much to heart. Any ideas, please!

Yep, another bullied child - Custardo's got it right I'm afraid. We do the "go and speak to them, ask if you can play then if they say no find another nice friend to play with", and "tell them loudly and clearly to stop and that you don't like it", but when it's certain children or repeat incidents it's "if he hits you, hit him back - harder".
I once showed dd1 in front of a boy's mum what to do as he was chasing her and saying he would kill her and "kick her butt", which was making her fall off her bike repeatedly. Mother was watching with the odd feeble comment "now now darling, calm down" so next time he did it I stepped in front of him, shouted "stop it!" loudly and said "that's what you do, dd1" and left the devil-child to go back to his mum.

A friend says her 4yo daughter has been helped by karate classes - not so much the actual karate moves or whatever, but the way the classes build self-confidence and respect for others and yourself. The guys that run it speak about bullying, right and wrong, and teach the children how to deal with put downs, aggressive behaviour etc. May not be everyone's cup of tea but worth a thought if you have a class locally.

But we are talking about toddlers here. They don't have very stable emotions, for instance there is one little girl in dd's class who is very bossy, and will often tease dd. But one day when dd was in tears over something, this girl started crying too, just because dd was crying. They can be best friends one day and then mortal enemies the next. I really find it hard to believe that kids of 6 and under deliberately bully, they often have no knowledge of the consequences of their actions.

However, 7 and upwards if they are still bullying then by all means knock their blocks off!

Donbean, all you can do is show by example, and give him loads of praise and confidence. As Custy said, bullies are often cowards lacking in confidence, so if you give your child lots of love and attention, he won't grow up to be a bully.

I'm still torn on this.

At school, and a couple of times in adult life, I've had to fight back when someone has been aggressive to me. In a sense I'm lucky because if someone starts on me I 'lose it' and there is no question of reason or fear. It's not a reasoned choice I make, but an animal response. Instinctive, visceral.

The problem is, not everyone has this instinct to hit back and I'm not sure they can or should, be forced to. I've learned this since meeting and getting to know (and love) my dh, and more recently watching my ds.

There's a lot to be said for passive resistance. Pompous quote warning*

"Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man."
Gandhi.

thats alright for ghandi but sitting down in the playground as an opposition to someone calling you "deaf ugly bitch" isn't going to help the situation

It's the most terrible feeling to think of your kids being bullied - or being bullies, and I know I turn into a lioness if my kids are under 'attack'. But I'm also realsing I'm not always gonna be there when this stuff kicks off. One of my sons is v sensitive, and a 'people-pleaser' and I used to worry he would get walked all over by bullies. I am a bit of a pacifist and me and dh had real arguments over whether our son should be taught to turn the other cheek (me) or thump the bastards hard (him). Well without us reaching a real conclusion to teach our boy how to deal with it, it turns out he HAS been dealing with it. Turns out he hit a child who had been physically picking on him in the playground. It worked - the child leaves him alone; my son got into trouble at school for the hitting but also achieved a bit of 'street cred'among his peers for hitting this bully who had bothered others. So although he went totally against what I would have advised, it was the right thing for him to do!