How do you help your child stand up for themselves?

[paolosgirl]

Both of mine are not very good at standing up for themselves. If someone says something nasty to them they're very quick to start crying. DD came home from Rainbows tonight in tears because a couple of girls had laughed at her for something minor. I tried to be cool about it (felt like getting them both by the scruff of the necks ) - but I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to help DD and DS not take things that other kids say so much to heart. Any ideas, please!

Oh paolosgirl, I don't have any real ideas, just didn't want your thread to vanish. I tend to try and stay very calm and non-judgemental sounding and just say something like "well they're probably jealous of you because of x", just to try and implant the idea that it's not their fault. It does seem to work if you keep at it, but at least this will bump your thread

Thanks, Tamum . I'd really like some help with this one, please.....

Oh I really feel for you! My dd is just the same! Only the other day we were all visiting friends who have a daughter the same age, this daughter was told to go and fetch her baby brother's jumper, but instead she told dd to do it or she wouldn't be her friend, so dd went running off for it! I saw what was happening and told dd to come back and told the little girl off myself. But she tells me tales of children picking on her at school and even her friends take advantage of her good nature. I try to fill her with confidence every day, but like you I worry so much about her!

Ohhh, that's a hard one. Hmmmmm, well I thought that people may, in the future, be cruel to lottie, (she has Down's syndrome), and I thought that it's possible she could come home upset because someone teased her. so thinking ahead, just incase, I bought her the CD by Christina Aguillera 'I am Beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't get me down, noooo'. and I thought we'd play it and sing it together and feel better about the world.
Other than telling her how great she is and telling her.them the stick and stones song I don't know babes. Some kids are bullies, some kids are cruel and some are just sensitive little souls. It's just the way of the world. All you can do as a parent is fill them with as much love and confidence as you can, which i'm sure you already do.

take them with you and show them what to do with your guidance, when they get comfortablle with that then let them take the lead.
Main thing is to remind them that talking and dealing with it in the right way is important. (explain to the other child why they are unhappy, what it is they have done wrong)

Good words there Thomcat! I sing "You are my Sunshine" to my kids!

They are 6 and 7, so some of the comments from other kids can be very cruel - DD esp. as I think girls can be quite nasty to each other from an early age. Each night when I'm tucking her in we have this little routine where I ask her things like "who is the best girl in the world" "who is the most beautiful girl" "who is the most fantastic girl" etc etc, and she shouts "me!" and I try to help them build their confidence as much as possible. Maybe you're right, TC - maybe they are just the sensitive souls of this world
I'd just love to know how to not take things so much to heart

I have found this difficult too, we have discussed reasons why people are horrible and what their lives might be like. We have also discussed these kids bad points and failings as DS thought everyone was better, bigger and stronger than him. DS is so nice to others and polite he always lets others push in front and not give turns. I hope his kindness wins through but he is more likely to stick up for his sisters and friends than himself.

At one of his clubs a few of the boys were laughing at him and calling him a baby due to his delayed speach. So I am afraid we had a private laugh about some of them and thought of witty comments and names he could use, I don't think he has ever used any of these names so its just a private joke between us that makes him smile and hold his head up.

DH is chucking me off the computer as he needs on - thanks for all the advice

Rather 2 little sensitive souls lying upstairs ticked into their beds than 2 nasty bullies aye babe. All you can do is keep loving then the way you do, you can't toughen up sensitive sould you can only guide them in having the ability to be confident in them selves as they grow up. Teach them that kids say things they don';t mean, that it means nothing and so on and so on, I'm sure you do already though. You've got 2 lovely girls, you're very lucky, xx

One thing I say to my dd is to walk away from them. When they are saying that they are not her friend, I told her to say "Good, because you are not a very good friend anyway, I have plenty of others!" and to walk away from them again.

I take it personally too and want to march up to their parents' houses! But even at this young age, I guess they have to figure out how to deal with it for themselves, we cannot always be there for them, I just hope dd has the strength to stand up for herself one day.

gosh this post is going to go down like a tonne of bricks.

i have nothing but tortured memories from school and cannot abide the thought any of my children would ever experience anythng like it. so i tell them to fight back. they know i will not abide bullying for the reasons above.

my daughter was getting the sniggering and dirty looks - shitty comments from some girls in the year above her last year - it was making her upset. in the holidays she was a bit worried about this aspect of going back to school. she had told the teachers , pointed them out in a book, told the teachers again and again and it kept happening - however it never happened when these girls were on their own. remember it was name calling sniggering.

so i told her to get one of the girls when they were on their own and knock her out. i told her if she did it at the beginning of term they would leave her alone for the rest of the year. dont ask questions walk straight up and knock her out. < euphamism for hit them first..hard>

she hasn't done this as nothing has yet happened at school this term. but that was my advice.

i always tell her to speak up with a " what is your problem"
" say it to my face if your so big n hard"
those kind of things becuase in my experience bullies are cowards - it is a saying but if you stand up to them they are ultimatley shocked and either scared or want to be the kids friend.

so i am afraid i think the only answer is to tell the kid to stick up for themselves.

We have shown and told DS how and when to get a hit in first but I doubt he will ever do it. At most he has used some of the self defence pushing away methods that put the other person off balance.

Dh was tormented at school but lost it once and went for someone, he proved he wasn't jsut big and harmless.

DS is a big built boy too (skinny as a rack though) and at first I was worried that he would be seen as the big bully but theres not much chance of that ever happening. He was at the park and was getting hit with a stick by a boy about 5yrs old and he just couldn't bring himself to hit him he kept dodging him and holding him at arms length. He's just a sweetheart and I hope he always is. He is settled at school now but I fear the step up to high school.

unfortunatly some children will grow up to be adults who still get upset by other peoples remarks very easily (i know, i am one although with me it tends to come out more in temper than anything else!).

my ds is the most gentle, loving, sensitive child ive ever known. (im sure i dont know where he gets it from, he doesnt even have a temper). he was getting picked on at his new school. i moved him back to his old school as soon as i realised what a rough dog hole the new school actually was but it made me think. he started going to karate with his friend and he really enjoys it. it doesnt matter imo whether he ever gets good at it or not (has motor skills problems, very poor coordination). its not really about fighting, he enjoys it and what it does do is give him that little bit of confidence in himself which i hope will develop more later on. he says when he is a black belt, no-one will pick on him

I try to be specific with praise. I tell ds that he is kind or strong or good with words. It is easier for him to believe praise that is attached to an actual piece of behaviour. Even at the age of 3 he knows that only mummy thinks that he is the most wonderful child in the world, but he knows he has the longest eyelashes of any child we know and loves to show them off .

Tell them that they are quite right to feel hurt when others are mean, it shows that they have a gentle and sensitive nature. Then tell them that they should not show how they are feeling to the bullies if they don't want it to happen again. Acting lessons might be a good idea, they could practice how to deal with confrontation in a role play situation.

Thanks for all the help here . I met one of the little girls from last night in the playground when I dropped off DD today. She came running up and gave her the Rainbow Rabbit (we forgot to take it home last night), all excited to see DD and wanted to show me her new coat and boots. I had to choke some pleasant words out of myself, LOL. I don't think anything is meant be it a lot of the times, but my two do get so upset so easily.

Fantastic idea Thomcat. I may have to steal that idea, which will provide me with a great excuse to go out and buy that song.

This is hard paolosgirl and I regularly face the same situation with my kids. I remember my ds's cousin actually laying into him and punching him (they're 5) and my ds didn't hit back or even run. He just seemed to sink into himself.

I don't think you can do anything directly because when it comes to their peer groups, they have to learn their own coping strategies. The best you can do is give them a sense of self worth and confidence so they feel loved, and discuss the bahaviour of others when it comes up.

I feel for you though as there have been so many times when I've wanted to get perpetrators by the scruffs of their necks (or worse).

Custardo, I've experimented with this approach but what if the child doesn't want to be aggressive? The sort of challenge you're describing is better if motivated by adrenalin/testosterone and not everyone is able to summon this up so readily.

My dh has always been big and strong, but a complete pacifist. He didn't hit back. It's looking like my ds might be similar.
My dh played rugby for years and is more than capable of overpowering others, but just doesn't have the aggression necessary to do so and really, genuinely, doesn't want to hurt people (I do, or did at school so it was hard for me to understand at first).

His mum was quite violent to her boys (single mum of three boys) which I think coloured his attitudes.

These day I understand and respect this. I'd also point out that dh got into fewer fights than most at school probably because he did lack the aggression. I think aggression breeds aggression.

Rambling, but do you see my point?

I see both points. However I lean a bit towards the non-aggressive approach (sorry Custy!). Dh told me how boys used to try picking on him at school, then he lost it with one of them and ended up belting him. That lad and his friends came back for more and dh ended up with a reputation for fighting. He says he never wanted to fight, but when you are surrounded by lads all wanting to beat the 'hard one', you have to defend yourself. So for him it just led to more aggression.

Girls however, might be different, I'd say that if a girl was landed a punch, she's unlikely to want to come back for more. If dd blew her top and did that I would think fair enough, but I think I'd shy away from actually encouraging her to do this. She also hasn't got it in her either, not an aggressive bone in her body!

my eldest lad used to get bullied by girls and come home with bald patched where they had pulled out clumps of his hair. but he wouldnt hit girls!! then one day a lad messed with his bike and he lost the plot. he got suspended from school ( as one would expect) and got a resounding "well done son" from me and dh.

my youngest son gets picked on by a couple of lads who are his "friends" on the street. they are younger than him - which is a great self esteem booster...however my ds is smaller than them - he is the weedy type of lad that would get blown over in a mild breeze.

when he recently had a fight and the lads were waiting for him the ice cream van appeared. "oh i would like to buy one" he said "but damien will be waiting for me outside..."

"oh - bit of tough luck your having then."

he went out to the ice cream van and bought his ice cream and overcame that gut wrenching fear of the unknown.

you see i know as a n adult it is easier to get smacked in the face - than the fear of being smacked in the face which could have made my 12 yo paralysed with fear and wishing not to go out to play.

so i resoundly refute any suggestion that my children are more inclined to fighting than anyone elses. i think my hard tough - face your enemy and deal with it approach is the key, rather than - as my mother always did say that i was not the fighting type or tell me to walk away, or write me notes to get out of sticky situations and this was a crutch to my all consuming fear which lasted for 10 long horrible school years.

I agree, it's the fear itself that is often worse than the reality. I was with you during those years Custy so I know how it was. Looking back I wish I had taken a swing at a lot of them too, although I probably would have lost! Confidence is everything. If we hadn't been sapped of confidence we might have been ok and handled ourselves better. As Custy says, sometimes you have to take a step back and let your child go into those frightening situations, only they can deal with their inner fears. Keep on praising and giving confidence, I'm sure it's doing good.

I too worry about this for my DS and DD. Especially DS as he is a gentle boy who finds it hard to stick up for himself and is often pushed over at school. There are 20 boys in his class so it can get a bit much at times with some of them. DH was bullied at school and would like DS to take the approach of hitting them back before he's known as a "soft touch". However, this upsets DS more as they have been told they aren't allowed to hit at school and he is a stickler for rules and not getting into trouble. All that said, he is a very confident, bright boy and very popular with his classmates so we do as many of you have mentioned; praise him and build him up as much as we can and encourage him to avoid the more "pushy" children. DD is much more confident and is more than happy to yell out "that's not very nice" if something is not quite right in her eyes.

I guess lots of us have been through similar as youngsters which makes us more protective our children going through the same. It's the horrible part of growing up.

I think I am with Custardo here because I was pretty horribly bullied up until the age of 14 (I managed to get myself raped and pretty badly beaten up, both at the age of 13). But one day I got mad enough to bray someone myself and that was it, really, had very little trouble from that day on. My parents had taken the "turn the other cheek at all costs" approach with me, but I'm not going to do that with my kids.

What does worry me, though, is that the carrying of weapons is so much more prevalent now than it was when we were at school.

Im with custardo on this one.

On the flip side of this, my 2 year old is very aggressive towards other children and i have NO idea why this is.
He isnt easily upset by other children and some do fight back.
This behaviour is completely unnacceptable to me and i have agonised how to to deal with it.
A friend's little dd (same age as ds) tends to get the brunt of this whenever we meet.
She and i have discussed what to do about this. Should we leave them to it to fight it out? We decided not to as it really can get quite viscious. mates dd fights back as hard you see.
DS goes on the naughty step as time out and i repeatedly tell him "we dont hit people". Its getting better but it is still persisting.

My question to you all is, when your children were toddlers, how were they in terms of standing up for themselves?
Were they easily upset as tots by other children or did they go through what mine is going through.

I really want to know whether or not ds will turn into a bully or one of those unkind kids that you are all referring to?

Am i hyjacking this thread, should i start one of my own?