Second child?

[gerbiltamer]

I know that there are loads of threads about this so I'll be brief. Basically, I'd appreciate some help, I'm 35, married with a DS who'll turn 3.5 in February and is due to start primary school next September. I work three days per week and enjoy my job; I feel that I'm finally getting my life back as I've started singing lessons and really enjoy them :)

Basically, myself and DH are wondering whether to have a second child? I suffered from pre-eclampsia with my first and worry that it's going to happen again, although I've lost weight my blood pressure's still high. My husband's 50 and has a heart condition plus to top it all the nursery and health visitor believe that my DS may be autistic and he's having his first hospital referral on Wednesday.

I truly believe that if I leave it then I'll get too old and regret it for the rest of my life.

This is always a very personal decision but if you're asking what it looks like to a neutral outsider, it looks like you might be well to concentrate on the family you are now.

Thanks, it's just so difficult at the moment.

You are not too old. I had dd1 at 37 and dd2 at 39. If you are not ready, don't feel you have to rush into it. You might find in a year or two that you are ready. Or you might decide that the family you have is perfect and you don't need another.

Certainly don't feel pressurised into having another because that is what people "do". Personally I found having the 2nd a lot harder than I thought it would be. Now they are finally getting to the age they can play together, things are getting easier. But it's been a slog.

Thanks Stranded, I keep thinking that my biological clock is ticking extremely quickly, but apart from my bp, I'm pretty healthy as bouncing on the park's trampoline with DS this morning no doubt proved. I think I'm giving myself silly deadlines because I wanted to coincide a 2nd pregnancy with my DS's reception year at primary, but now it's come to it, it still doesn't seem right.

There is a lot of pressure, it's true. My brother has become father to to DSs in 18 months and is certainly feeling the strain!

Apart from the last line of your post, I felt you'd already made your decision in your head - that you didn't want another child.

Regarding your health, ask your GP. I believe the risk of pre-eclampsia happening again is quite high. My SIL lost her first baby due to it (and she almost died too) The subsequent two were born by CS quite early to prevent further losses. She was in her early 20s with no blood pressure problems till late pregnancy.

Regarding your son potentially being autistic, do you think you could cope with him and another child? Could you cope with a second child with autism? The risk of that is probably low, but it is higher where the father is older.

Regarding gaps between children, I have a 6 year gap - not planned but it's great. I did have problems getting pregnant after 35 though, having had no problems at all at 33. Had to have fertility treatment. So, although it does happen for many, the statistics of fertility falling after 35 are there for a reason - it happens.

If it's only society pressures making you feel you should have another, then don't. This is a personal decision for you and your husband and I wish you all the best with it.