Tell Me This Isn't So!

[WestCountryLass]

My DS has seperation anxiety, he is nearly 4 now but he has been this way since he was a baby. He likes to be with me. It took me two months to settle him into pre-school as he did not want me to leav ehim despite being happy there.

Anyway, he wanted to have swimming lessons, he saw some children at the pool having lessons and he said he wanted to learn to swim without armbands. So I signed him up, paid the £40 for the term and took him and he does not want to go in on his own.

When he realised I was not going in with him he was clinging to me telling me not to leave him. So of course I didn't and we got changed and went home. Oh, and I did warn him and prep him for the class before he went!

Afterwards we went and got a drink in the cafe and a lady came up to me and said she saw hwat happened with my DS and her DS is like that about being left and he is 8. He doesn't like being left at school every day! She revealed all this after quite a lengthy conversation so she was not jumping to conclusions.

But now I am filled with the horror that DS might be like this for another 4 years! Tell me that isn't so! It is heart wrenching and quite frankly exhausting at times.

sigh

WCL my DS1 was like this.. and he now 13 (!) and...........

..... seperate gladly you will be pleased to hear!!

I think.. and please don't freak at the thought.. but IMO you are going to have to force the issue a little as I did when DS was around 4. It has to be done at some stage. DS was even like it with swimming lessons too.. I had to sit on the pool side (not where the spectators sat) but he did it in the end. You could use sticker charts, treats, incentives etc. And you have to be braver about it yourself because YOUR attitude has to be firm in order for it to eventually work.

He won't be like it until he is 8.. unless you 'encourage' it as possibly this other mum has

SJ x

dd was exactly the same but woudl liek to reassure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel !

dd started to show separation anxiety at 5 months and has just started school at 4. We had similar episode over ballet lessons last December. She really wanted to do it but, despite her friend being there, she couldn't bring herself to go into the stuido leaving me visibly watching from the other side of a window. So we abandoned it after her second abortive session.

Now 2 weeks into the school term she is happily going into class in the morning (at least for this last few days, touch wood). Up until then she'd been sobbing beforehand and one day last week had to taken off me by the assistant. She now tells me that she is happy all day and doesn't cry about me or Teddy (!) while she is there. Today she was pain to get away !

It will get better and I suspect 8 is very much the exception.

Phew!

Thanks for your replies

SJ, I am sure you are right about being firmer.

He doesn't even like being left at friends houses (his friends not mine) on his own. We do not have family where we live and he did not go to nursery/childminder so I can see why he feels like he does as we are always together.

WestCountryLass - at 4 dd was like this about swimming. Absolutely hated it, screamed and cried in the pool and I made her do it.

For me, swimming is an absolute essential. Also, I think, at 4, they can get the concept of 'mummy's paid for this, you have to do the course and then you can stop' sort of thing. What about a little treat at the cafe after his lesson?

I agree that swimming is essential, I think so too. The thing was the instructor just said 'there's his woggle, he can sit there' and started her class and did not even ask his name or try and take him from me or help in anyway. She even said "you can't stay there" Meaning on poolside as DS was clinging to me and I was tgrying to encourage him to join the rest of the kids.

So I just gave up as DD was in her buggy screaming merry hell to boot.

I did complain about the instructors lack of guidance and what was I meant to do if DS was clinging to me but no one helped and I couldn't stay there. So we are going to try again at the end of September when a new class starts I think.

you should not have walked away. you should take your suit ext week and get in the pool with im until he is confident enough to jon the class then gradulally move away. the techer shouod have helped you more. it is quite normal for 4 year olds to freak about siwming even if they can already swim

Ds' instructor sounds particularly unhelpful! especially when you've got a toddler too.

Dd's instructor did take her off me and interacted well her and with the whole class. The place I take them to is a public school which runs kids' swimming lessons at the weekend. The ratio of kids to instructor is lower there than at the main pool in town, so maybe that helps.

Mud, I know, i'm sure there were better ways of handling it but at the time I was really stressed and a bit PO really (with the instructor not DS).

was not having a go i dont type very well sokepp it short. sorry

I know, I was just explaining

Not much help, but sympathies from me. My ds was 4 in July and has just started school. We've had a couple of 'ok' drop offs but also a couple where we've had tears and "Mummeeeeeee don't go" and he's had to be held to stop him running after me.

I can't imagine even attempting swimming lessons where he'd be on his own so well done you for trying it - especially with your dd to look after as well.

The suggestion of getting in with him sounds reasonable to me (assuming you can leave dd with someone)or like you are doing, trying again later.

It's difficult isn't it. I always stress over whether I should be more pushy to get him to overcome his fears or whether that would just freak him out and make him hate whatever it is even more.

One thing that is a huge factor with my ds is whether he's tired and if he's eaten. I find that if he's low on energy he gets really emotional and clingy. He's much more likely to cope with a new situation if he's refreshed. I know this sounds obvious but sometimes he hides it well and the same activity after lunch is ok when it was a total trauma before lunch when he was hungry/low on energy. Don't know if that applies to your situation but just a thought. Good luck