furious with MIL and DH - big rant - a bit of an AIBU?

[spaceman]

I'm furious with MIL this morning. Actually this has been brewing for many years, but I'm about to burst with frustration as I've had enought.

Whenever MIL comes to pick up the children, she alaways brings a bag of toys that she's got from a jumble sale or something. She sees them at least twice a week and never ever comes empty handed.

I don't want her to do this as the children have long passed being grateful for these items, it's always crap, I can't find room for it, and it doesn't leave the opportunity to get the odd treat for them when we want to as it's already been 'covered'.

Furthermore, the DCs always get returned to me with a half eaten bag of sweets - even if it's just before lunchtime.

DS is 2.5 and DD is 6.

I'm also especialy annoyed because the crap that she brings over is always TV connected, and I don't want my kids to be at the centre of TV endorsements - I try and discourage making them into marketing victims at all costs. Today she bought a number of Hannah Montana books for DD. DD doesn't even know who she is and I don't want her to know. MIL has it in her head that this is what every six year old girl wants. reading the back of the books, they are totally innappropriate for a 6 year old as it's all about high school and getting dates with boys.

Neverthe less the Bob The Builder and Hannah Montana / High Schoo Musical crap keeps coming day in day out. It's like a compulssion for MIL.

So, I have broached it with DH that he must go and talk to her to explain we don't want this stuff - and to stop giving them sweets - and that if she wants to give them stuff, she could help out by buying ballet uniforms, swimming lessons or whatnot.

But he won't. His family stick their heads in the sand with everything. They are not close or open and he is generally affraid of the concequences of him being 'confrontational' (they are not honest with each other about anything, which I do find difficult - it's all about putting out the 'right' image at all times).

So, I have tried hinting to MIL - I didn't thank her for any of the crap this morning. I have also asked her in the past to stop giving them sweets, but it stops for a bit and then just starts up again.

So, DH is working today and after the bag of rubbish waws delivered - and seeing the HM books - my blood started boiling a bit. I called him at work and began ranting - I know I shouldn't have, but it's very rare that I get really passionate at him (because it's just not his style) and this has been really brewing. He just makes little whining noises and tells me that 'it's what grannys do' and 'Hannah montana is what they're all into isn't it?' Well, NO it's not - it only seems to be bloody MIL who likes it. I just ended up yelling at him and hence we are now at stand off.

What the eff can I do? If I approach her she will take offence and my name will be mud throughout the family for being ungrateful - or usually it's because I'm a highly strung mother who is robbing her children of their childhoods by being too strict (that is generally how I'm perceived in the family I think as it suits MIL to be the 'fun granny' at my expense).

It's a real clash and a huge dilemma as I do think deep down she knows I don't want it. I just want my children to have these innocent years to themselves - and I don't want my DD to be turned into a pop princess. DH's family have been forcing this sort of bimbo crap on her since she could walk. It's really upsetting me.

Please can anyone help?

Well if the sweets thing is a rule then she should respect it. How about telling her that you are having a treat day every Saturday and you'll save any sweets/chocolates until then. She can give them to you to eat.

The toys thing is harder as I get what you're saying but if it gives her pleasure and doesn't hurt them (as in, she's not giving them madly inappropriate stuff) then maybe you should let it go a bit. If she brings a bag of stuff, let them play with it there and then and the next day, put it back in the bag and stick it under your bed. If they haven't missed it in a month, give it to the charity shop.If they latch on to something, let them keep it. People will give them crap, if not your MIL then someone else. I think you have to learn to limit it and weed pieces out, not insist on a blanket ban as that'll just be stressful for you.

I like certain types of toys for DD and my father send huge boxes of Baby Born crap from carboots (most not working) that I would never choose. But I've taught her it's good manners to say thank-you for a gift whatever you think of it and to be fair, she likes some of it. The rest goes straight in the charity bag. The really OTT stuff (highheeled dressing up shoes for a 2yo anyone?) I have the final say on .

Agree with Sue. Plus if you ebay the crap, and with it being a lot of tv related stuff, it should sell well, then you will have plenty of spare cash for ballet etc.

Just continue to smile and nod. Although I'm not sure how you could explain to your 6 year old where all the shite toys go! Maybe, 'we are very grateful to granny, but we don't have room for everything' but I am stuck as to how to explain where it goes then...

Thanks Sue,

I suppose it seems as if I'm coming over a bit hysterical, and maybe I am because I haven't dealt with things right.

I think what you say is a good tactic. There are ways around this without getting it out of context. There are underlying issues such as my DH's unwillingness to stand up to her, the type of things she gets for DD (very tacky) and the feeling I get from her that she enjoys buying their popularity, which I think is gross. These are all adding to my resentment, but maybe I'm a bit paranoid.

Can you ask her to keep all the toys she buys at her house for the DCs to play with when they are there? (I realise that doesn't solve the problem but at least you won't have to have a load of stuff you don't want cluttering up your own house.)

Hi Nemo - okay, so I definately need to relax. I feel a bit bad now. Maybe she really just loves buying the toys - different folks etc. It's not what I'd do, but like you say, smile, nod and dump the crap.

Hi Jack - funnily enough she tried to give me a big bag of the toys she had collected for her house saying she didn't have room for it and that I should take it. I took my chance to jokily refuse it saying 'what and you think I want it all at my house! No thanks.' It was the only opportunity I've had to throw it back at her in a light way. So, that's another reason - she doesn't want it, but thinks I do! She didn't take the hint, but I also didn't take the bag.

In my house it is a one in - one out policy otherwise we would be overrun with junk.

My mother buys me things that I don't want and aren't appropriate. I am pregnant and for instance told her I had bought my first thing which was a specific baby bottle which was BPA free etc. I actually talked to her about it and the reasons I only wanted these.

The following week amongst other junk she gives me, she makes a huge deal of giving me some baby bottles (not sure if they have been used) from her local charity shop. They aren't a recognisable brand, there isn't good info. on the box, and there is no way I would use them.

It really annoys me. My mother is not a stupid woman.

However, I have told her in the past I don't want things and it doesn't hit home. The new policy is to give it straight back to charity/through it away/put it on ebay (in the rare case that it might actually be worth anything).

Sit through and through. The kids either won't notice or
if they do make them feel good about sharing their things with other children who are less fortunate.

Sweets more difficult though.... you might need to put your foot down with these. If you save the battle on the junk you can have the battle about the sugar!

I meant sift through and throw!

Thanks Lucy. Why are the baby boomers like this? They are adicted to car boots and spending. Maybe they are rebelling against the anti-spoiling brigade they endured as children and making up for their post-war upbringings. (Sorry - massive assumption your parents are all over 60!)

Spaceman I was having exactly the same thought after reading the (very funny but a bit sad) thread about the weird things that PIL's do. I came away from it thinking that the (relative) poverty and anxiety people must have lived with during the first two world wars has had a massive impact on their and their children's lives... even if it doesn't come out until years later. Made me feel quite sad actually and more sympathetic.

The other problem is letting other/older issues with parents/PIL's bleed into current situations... especially ones where DH's can't stand up to their mothers and defend wives.

I get angry at my mothers giving me things partly because I am angry with her about other things... which aren't always related.

Ooh how annoying for you. I like the idea of selling it - as well as making some cash, you could end up stopping the problem:

MIL: where is the toy I got for DD last month?
You: oh we sold it.
MIL: why?
You: well DD didn't really like it, and frankly we needed some money for her new school shoes.
MIL: how ungrateful! If that's how you feel I won't buy you any more toys. Grumble grumble blah blah blah.
You: oh, ok then. Pom bear?

if you hate how she looks after them so much, why are you letting her take them out?
I think you are being unfair and she may feel very slighted and upset with you. You are saying "we don't want your gifts, they aren't to our taste (meaning she has no taste) and we think they are junk. We don't want your crap, we'll have some cash if you like. And don't give them sweets either"
Or she may not even have got your hints, since you are unable to actually say something to her face.
Giving sweets is what grannies are for. Its a bit much to be "furious" about a granny trying to do what she thinks are nice things for her grandkids.

Spaceman I so understand where you're coming from. My MIL sees the DCs about once a month, maybe more. EVERY time she visits or they visit her, she gives them something. She always has done and it winds me up no end. Luckily we don't get bags of toys, it tends to be colouring books, pens, sweets and loads of clothes from M&S. My DD (7) is a real tomboy and MIL gives her these pink frilly dresses which she hates. Luckily I can take them back and get a voucher in return.

Many years ago DH said something to her about it and she burst in to tears, so I just put up and shut up. I do always say how the kids have so many clothes they end up not wearing them and she just says 'I know, I was naughty, but I couldn't resist it'.

I also don't my kids turning in to spoilt brats. I dont want them to expect something every time they see her. My parents don't give them anything, except at nirthdays and Christmas. However, the difference is my parents are active and take the kids on bike rides, dog walks, etc. MIL can't really do that.

So, my suggestion is 'put up and shut up' and then sell them. If your MIL is anything like mine she'll forget what she's given them anyway.

I have come away with 2 good pieces of advice from this thread though. 1). Ask her to contribute to swimming lessons, etc instead of buying crap and 2). Tell her you'll keep the sweets as the kids only have them one day a week.

Good luck!

I can't be bothered Ebaying crap. It's a lot of effort and work nowadays.

Leave it in the bag and take it to a charity shop.

That's what I do. I say thanks and then bin it/charity shop it.

Sweets, same thing. I've battled with bad teeth my whole life and am missing 3 molars now.

I just confiscate them right in front of her. I honestly don't care if it makes me the bad guy.

YANBU - would drive me nuts too. My MIL doesn't buy the toys, but does stuff them full of rubbish and I HATE it. She fills them like they are dustbins until they are over-flowing with icecream

With my MIL i tell her thats great he can play with it at your house, thanks thats so kind. Thank you for showing it to me first.

Then do not hold it or accept it and she will then take it to her house to fill it up with crap

With the sweets i would just say you have given them sweets before she picked them up so do not let them con you in to giving them more. it might work.

Try to not let it get to you and just block her as much as you can.

If your MIL doesn't give it directly to the DC, I wouldn't let them even see it. Take the bag from her, say thanks offhandedly, go through it later just in case there's a gem in there and then take the lot back to the nearest charity shop.

Have you tried feeding your DC something excitable before she takes them away? So she has to deal with the fallout? Or would that go too much against the grain?

I do know what you mean - I was horrified when DS (2) came back from a day out with Grandma with a half-eaten mini cabanossi sausage in his hand - smoked, full of salt, and made from pork, which he doesn't eat because it makes him sick. Sadly, I didn't control my feelings too well and the horror showed on my face, so MIL took it off him and put it in the bin (and it's never appeared again). She still takes him out and gives him icecream and milkshake but not that often.

My mum used to this-it was cos my dad had died and spending filled the gaping hole in her life. She's calmed down now, but I did have a huge row about it at 1 point.Sweets go straight in the tin and toys go to spare room-keep them for party gifts/random relatives xmas/school raffle.

It's also that generation. Pil are 10yrs older and brought up with war austerity so spoiling them isn't their style except at christmas. Thankfully they like to be told what to buy so I can specify experiential treats or cameras that don't take up space.

Look at catalogues whilst she's there and point out stuff you do like.

Get dh to say the kids dentist has said their teeth are awful and they're getting gum disease. Or the dr thinks they may be reacting badly to preservatives found in sweets.

Expect that it will happen, remember it's her money to waste as she sees fit (my dm has wasted imo tens of thousands but that is not my business), shrug it off mentally and swiftly deal with it.

Sweets 3 times a week is ott-so shove a healthy snack in her hand as she takes them out the door and say 'dentists orders' with a big smile.

Unwanted gifts are a dilemma, but manners must prevail even when the person bearing the gift is lacking them.

Remember they are your kids to brainwash as you see fit. It doesn't always work, but my dd hates pink and princesses and that is probably a result of me saying blue is nicer and so on. Ds2 is scared of anything like Ben 10 so that sorts that out!

My grandparents were racist, foul mouthed and ate crap. However, they loved me unconditionally and I had a lot of fun at their house with 7 uncles and aunts to play with- happy memeories of the deep fat fryer and mr kipling cakes. I was brought up to be confident enough to challenge their views when I was older and not to repeat bad language!

Your dc will be fine-concentrate on not letting it get to you.

spaceman I don't think you are being unreasonable, I totally get the underlying ishoos you describe. In your shoes I would try and give dh a gentle earbashing adult discussion screaming match and then with regards to the toys, ebay or throw them at the wall.

See, I am a quietly psychotic rational human being,

Thanks for your comments everyone. I felt a bit guilty when she came back with the DCs and this time the kids took the sweets unopened out of their pockets and gave them to me. As well as the bag of toys they had this morning, they also came home with a comic each, which are at least 2.50 a pop (my DD had a free lip gloss and stick on earrings with hers).

I took them without any fuss and thanked her with a big smile for taking them as I am really greatful for her helping me out.

It won't stop though - she buys ALL of my DDs clothes for her. They are nice and my friends get all the hand me downs for their children so that part is very welcome. BUT on the other side of the fence, my mum sees them once every two months or so and the presents she gives them - which are usually very good quality and thoughful - get lost in a sea of junk. Especially during Christmas.

I think she does have a bit of a problem.

Another idea then - perhaps if you say to her that you woudl love the DC to have a big thing, say a trampoline, but you can't afford it - perhaps she could save up all the money she spends weekly now and buy them that instead?

The other problem is that she might be one of those people who equate affection with gifts/sweets - in which case you don't stand much chance of her changing.

Can you tell your daughter not to accept the sweets off gran. Remind your MIL 'no sweets' every time she collects the kids. Suggest a healthy treat - strawberries, honey in greek yogurt, flapjack etc ..

Take the bull by the horns if your DH wont. Can you explain that HM is too old/not appropriate for your kids and why. Say ou don't want her to waste her money. Let gran know what the kids are actually interested in too. Is there a weekly magazine that she can buy that your kids will like? My DD loves the Beano or Dandy.

We very rarely see my parents and DH's parents due to distance. Mine tend to give M&S cardigans bought in the sales, puzzle magazines, books or drawing stuff. MIL never gives non Xmas/birthday pressies and I'm quite relieved as her Xmas pressies are so bad - I once returned them to her after years of thoughtless pressies.