Having children - why do we do it and is it worth it?

[auburnlizzy78]

Not a journo - am semi-regular poster. Sorry if this has been done recently/done to death!

I guess it's a bit too late to be asking really as I am now a first-time mother to a six week old baby boy. It's all still bloody scary, and I can't help wondering why DH and I had children - this new baby stage I know will pass and get easier but then I look at what's to come and it just seems like one obstacle/miserable phase after another.

• Teething
• The screaming wilful toddler stage
• The very brief good bit - the "golden years" when they are cute and funny and still cuddly - 4-10

- The horror of the teenage years

• Then, after they get reasonably nice again, they piss off and leave you to start their own lives. I've got a boy - so one day his wife will take him and after 20 years of effort and upbringing I might get a couple of phone calls and a visit a month, which is how these things tend to go, even if you have a good relationship.

So what the hell is the point, and why do we all become parents? I would like to think that DH and I are intelligent and well-educated and that we have done it for a good reason, rather than just a) because we can't think of anything better to do, b) because I am a slave to my biological urges c) because I "need" someone to depend on me or d) because DH and I feel obligated to produce good future citizens for society. If none of these, then currently I have no idea what that reason actually was.

Ours is a good baby really, I don't 100% love him yet, but that will come. So I don't think I'm depressed. But I still can't get this question out of my mind, and would love to hear what you all think - however old your kids are. Is a baby's first smile, or a funny remark from your four year old, worth the 20 years of self-sacrifice and hard slog???? It doesn't seem a lot to get back when there's so much effort put in.

I did it because I really wanted to experience pregnancy and birth, because I love being around children, because I wanted to 'join the club' with my friends and relatives who have children, and because I wanted to be loved, I guess. That doesn't sound great, but I think it's fairly honest.

Is it worth it? Yes! You pay a high price in boredom, drudgery, finances, sleep... But it's more than compensated by the love and laughter you get. Studded among all the boredom and drudgery are nuggets of pure joy, every single day.

To be honest, I didn't find having a six week baby particularly rewarding. It gets way better, though!

As a mother of 4 I often wish I'd bought a dog instead.
But my sensible answer is there aren't that many people in the world I genuinely like so I thought i'd create 4 that I knew i'd get on with, so far so good.

DH and I often talk about this in our more tired moments! We have two DCs, 3 years and 17 months. Sometimes I wonder at the pointlessness of humanity (in a benign way).

I'd agree with biological imperative. It would be genetic suicide if we didn't.

Plus, they are quite cute.

i often wondered the same thing when ds was very small. It is such hard work and so relentless. So utterly utterly relentless. But agree with the poster who mentioned moments of utter joy every day. Every. single. day. he will do at least one thing (and usually far more than one) that makes my heart just leap with joy. he is 3.5 so we still have teenage years etc to go but so far he has really been an utterly delightful kid, he has not given us any real problems at all and we get compliments on how lovely he is all the time. ds 2 to be born in a few months and suspect the fact that it is ds1´s nature rather than any particular parenting skill on our part is about to be discovered

For me, personally, i´ve never been so happy as I have been since I had ds. And I was really pretty happy before.

I would say it was hard until he was about 8 months though. Once he started being more interactive and his personality started coming out I agree, every age he´s passed through has been my favourite. He is EDIBLE right now

Biological imperative. No point trying to rationalise it, IMO. it just IS.

Luckily for me, mine are the most sweet and beautiful kids in the world and a life without them would be like a life without sun.

Having said that, I'm fucking knackered. So it's swings and roundabouts.

This is really good question. I asked myself this a lot before I had my DS. I once asked my sisters what the point of having children was and they looked at me as if I were mad.

I never felt an overwhelming desire but I felt under a huge amount of societal/family pressure and really worried I'd be seen as a sad case.

Having had my DS, well its what everyone else has said. Hard work, stress, exhaustion, countered by unconditional love, learning more about yourself and your partner. Really funny things DS says and does and the unexpected bonus of a whole new social life with other great mums I have met.

Having said all that I still resent the fact that, generally, having children is seen as the ultimate goal for every woman.

It's very interesting, thinking about children & how to raise them.

They're also incredibly funny & lovable (well most of the time).

Mostly though, and despite my aversion to any idea of parental self sacrifice, I believe having children & helping them grow up is about them, rather than us. It's like having a lovely garden. Lots of hard work goes into it, lots of disappointment & weeding etc, and all for what? The fleeting beauty of a flower in bloom which doesn't last long.

On second thought, it's not about sacrifice at all. It's incredibly satisfying to help another being (flower, child whatever) grow to its full potential.

...not a lifghthearted answer I know :)