baby groups

[happygilmore]

I went to my first baby group yesterday and found it a bit difficult, tbh. Everyone was in groups and seemed to know each other really well, and no-one really seemed interested in chatting to a new member (fair enough!).

I did introduce myself to a couple of people who were fairly friendly, but perhaps should have tried to talk to some more - I found it a bit intimidating though when everyone else seemed to not be v interested.

So how long should I give it to meet people? I will go again, but if I'm honest I wonder if I'll make friends this way..I'm not sure I come across very well to strangers (I'm quite shy but possibly this comes across as stand offish).

Hi happygilmore

I was never much good at getting in with the crowd at baby groups. They do vary a lot though from group to group, so if you don't feel comfortable at this one try another. The best one I found was at a Surestart centre where the emphasis was a bit more on playing with the children rather than sitting chatting, and the staff made an effort to talk to everyone.

Thanks MamaVoo. Have seen another one I could go to, so could give it a go if this one doesn't work out.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds things like this difficult :)

No - I also found it very difficult with my first DS. I felt like I had forgotten how to make friends, and also I was quite anxious about how I was handling DS1.

I found some groups I tried genuinely unfriendly, but I also know that lots of people were feeling like me.

The best group I found was a church one - where the church members made a real effort to talk to you (I'm an atheist!).

I also got to know people better by helping out at one group - being on the rota for buying biscuits, tidying up.

A good opener is:

Your baby has gorgeous eyes/hair/smile. How old is s/he?

I agree with MamaVoo. If you don't find one to suit, try something more focussed - like music, or swimming. Or just talking to people at the park (hard at the moment, I know).

If all else fails - these groups aren't for everyone. Your baby won't miss out if you don't go

What a shame you didn't have a very good experience. It's lovely to have friends with baby's similar ages as you can help each other out when it comes to weaning,potty training etc. If you can just make one friend to arrange to meet there/go with it will make a huge difference. Could you identify someone else on their own or in just a 2 to try and team up with?

Hi Happygilmore. I've had similar problems with playgroups, I'm quite shy too.

I agree with Mamavoo. I found a local music group to go to, which I found easier as there was something to focus on other than feeling like you're sat there alone.
I also have a better time at the Surestart groups, no cliques there.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone. THere were no other mums with babies the same age as DD so don't think that helped - most were pregnant or had much older children. I think I'll give it a go for a while and try and go to some others too, I don't know anyone at all locally with a baby so really would like to make even an acquaintance or two!

Is there a mumsnet local site for your area? Could be worth posting on there to see if there's anyone with similar aged babies. Also, your HV maybe able to help.

HV is useless Went to the baby clinic just once and all they're interested in is weighing the babies not actually helping the mums!

mumsnet local board is a bit empty here unfortunately, and feel a bit shy about meeting people of here too

Have you tried net mums . co .uk they have busy local boards usually

It is really the luck of the draw as to who goes - I was lucky, as nice people, but still felt v awkward, tho getting better at relaxing now. Only two years later [grin[.

I also go to really friendly music thing at a local church (am also atheist) and that usually cheers me and my boy up on a slow day.

I felt very much the same as you when we moved area when DD was 6 months. Everyone in the Sure Start group had known each other for ages and didn't seem welcoming at all. I went to some different groups and then made a real effort to swap numbers with a couple of other mums who seemed nice. I invited them round a few times and now we meet up regularly. It wasn't the sort of thing I'm used to doing - not really the sociable type - but they've become really good friends.

maybe try another group and see if it has a better feel, but keep going a couple more times to this one as you will see some same faces again and maybe then get comfy with people and become known by everyone? but unfortunately some groups even if you go a few times are just not that welcoming! so could be you have stumbled across a rubbish one. personally i find the surestart ones better but it may vary by area. if you find a group that is for babies under 12 months they can be good as you get a lot of chat as the babies are less mobile, and all being young you may have more in common with the mums possibly? whereas a mixed babies and toddlers group sometimes mums are more busy racing after the older ones to prevent them beating each other up/eating sand/scribbling over furnitures or whatever else, or might have 2 or 3 kids with them so less chance to chat? so if you have a childrens centre under 12 months group i would give that a try. or possibly something with an "activity" to it like baby massaging or singing?

Hi Happygilmore

It can be so tough making friends with other mums. Luckily I'd be pre-warned by a friend who compared it to dating - eyeing each other up; making the first move; deciding whether to exchange numbers; wondering how long until you call etc - which I found to be so true.

Some suggestions which might make it easier for you:

• find some age appropriate activities. If your baby is under 6mo (which I presume it is if this is your first group) some of the best activities are things like baby massage, baby sensory and music so try googling those and seeing what's in your area. If that doesn't work, check the HV clinic or GP for fliers, look at notice boards in churchs, community centres, libraries etc to see what's available. I find is easiest to chat to people with babies who are within 2 months of my DD as you're still in the relevant zone so can bore each other stupid be fascinated by their concerns about whether their DC is sitting/how many ice cubes they're eating/what colour their poo is;

• do you have a SureStart centre? The people who run ours always have a chat and make a bit of an effort to introduce you to other mums;

• consider doing an activity which you have to sign up for a term in advance (a swimming course or something). Although they can be pretty expensive, the cost does mean that everyone who goes makes a real effort to go so you know that you will see those people for, say, 10 weeks and so after a couple of weeks (if not before) you'll have a few thing to chat about. And suggest going for a coffee afterwards - people might not be able to the first week as they may have other plans so suggest that you do do it the following week and then remind them the following week;

• if you seem to get on with someone, try and find out what other groups they go to and consider going to some of those yourself and "accidentally" bumping into them;

• don't be too fussy about who you become friends with. I've made friends with people who I have nothing in common other than the fact that their DC is a few days older or younger than my DD and so we have the same concerns at the same time and can offer each other support. I don't think some of these friendships will stand the test of time but they're invaluable at the moment.

Above all, perservere! You'll soon be in a clique of your own!

Thanks so much for the brilliant advice everyone. I think part of the problem with this group was the age ranges as suggested - loads of toddlers and a few newborns, plus some pregnant women..but no babies the same age as DD (6 months). I wasn't expecting to make great mates but just a chat would have been nice, but maybe they were only interested in mums with babies a similar age, who knows?

I know I'm probably very late going to my first group at 6 months, but I've been really unwell since she was born and only recently been up to going out much - am still finding it really hard physically but determined to try a few more. I guess that's what makes it harder - I don't think I'm up to going to loads of different groups yet, but that's a separate issue I guess.

I think a surestart a short drive away does a baby rhyme group and one for older babies too, so that's got to be worth a shot.

THanks again for all the advice :)

Round here they have "Pushy Mothers" exercise groups - they push their babies round the park, some fast walking and a few exercises. I would have like to have tried that when my DSs were babies but they didn't exist then.

Baby sleeps, you get exercise and meet new people - multi-tasking!

Hi Happygilmore. I so feel your pain! I went to a NCT baby group once and had the same experience as you - lots of women sitting around in groups talking and me feeling like a social leper! I never went back and it put me off baby groups for over a year. The irony is that in my professional life I have to make lots of small talk with people I don't know and "schmooze" with clients, so you think I would be a natural!

I then attended a toddler group at my local Sure Start centre and it was so much better for the reasons other people have said - friendly organisers and structured activities (like singing). While it is a bit early to say I have made "friends" from the group, there are a couple of mums who go every week and it is nice to have a chat with them about nothing in particular.....

A few other things that I thought of:

• were the newborns who were there there in their own right or had they just tagged along because there was an older sibling there? If the latter, the mothers are going to be really distracted as they'll be trying to keep an eye on two children. Also, second time around, they're probably going to be less interested in discussing the concerns that you have as they'll have been there and done that and survived it.

• I think I've become cliquier (if such a word exists) with my friends at groups in the past month or so as we've started going back to work and so see much less of each other. One girl who I get on with brilliantly and used to see every day, I now see once a week so, as you can imagine, we've got plenty to chat about and catch up on (and there's work issues thrown into the mix now as well as baby stuff). We don't mean to ignore other mothers but we just don't notice them.

• after just a few weeks of going to some groups, you'll begin to see some familiar faces and it makes such a difference to see some friendly faces when you walk in. At one group I now go to, I don't have any friends there but there are at least half a dozen women who I know enough to smile at, ask after their DC etc. Remembering their DC's name and any comments they made have made about teething/jabs/sleep and being able to follow it up at the following session with a relevant question is always much appreciated.

• don't shoot off at the end of a group but loiter (whilst fiddling with rain cover, changing bag etc) in case someone suggests going for coffee or something.

As I said yesterday, do perservere. One of my friends moved when her DC was 4 months and she felt really lonely at first but when I saw her earlier today she proudly announced that she'd "infiltrated" an NCT group whose babies are all of a comparable age to hers and which is the group she would have been in had she moved before her DC had been born. Its taken her 4 months to get to the stage of being invited to all of their gatherings but even a couple of months ago she was at the stage where, when they left one activity, they'd say something like "and are you coming to X tomorrow? If so, we're going for a coffee so why don't you join us".

I feel as though I've gone off on a bit of a rant here but it took me a while to feel as though I'd made any friends and there were stages when I felt quite desperate. Its hard to go to groups when they're not welcoming but at the same time you know you're not going to make friends unless you keep going to them. Its a bit of a vicious circle.

Anyway, good luck!

Sure Start centres seem to be highly recommended!

I think the newborns were only children Murtette, but I could be wrong - there were so many other older children there (two groups together) it was hard to be sure.

I really appreciate the advice everyone - can you all come with me next time?

I can see that my DD was by far the oldest baby (although there were lots of toddlers) so no doubt the pregnant women/those with newborns just wanted to talk to people with DC a similar age - fair enough. I will try a few more though, it'd just be nice to have a chat with some new people. I'm not really looking for a new best friend - just to get out of the house a bit more and chat!

Surestart centres are good if you want to basically play with your child because you haven't the room or the money to buy the paints/paper/toys.
If you want some adult company, talking to other parents instead of giving the child your undivided attention will get you told off.
Not my cup of tea literally but my cousin loves them because she doesn't have to clear up all the mess, I believe she is meant to help but just runs off at the end

i dont think they tell you off just for talking, maybe if people are totally ignoring their child then yes? but if you have a balance between interacting with child and other parents i would be suprised if they tell you off?? i wouldnt say that is typical, maybe that specific leader is a bit "extra" if she behaves like that?? ours are soooo lovely