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Parenting

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Original poster

Do I really want a second child?????

23 replies

bootsmonkey · 20/09/2005 15:57

or do I just want to be pregnant again. I have this appalling keening broodiness that is almost a physical reaction at times and I loved being pregnant last time and feeling my DD grow inside me. BUT I think of the first year and I recoil in horror at the prospect. DH is not keen at all (to put it mildly) and in some ways I want him to take himself off and have the snip so that I don't have to go through this yearning every month. DD was always going to be an only child as we coped so badly with the first years - PND, no support network etc., etc. My DH very nearly went over the edge as he suffers from insomnia and depression. And yet, and yet, as DD gets older I just feel it is wrong and unfair to choose to let her be an only. (Cod - I know your views on that one already!) DH & I are talking it over and half of me wants him to say no and half would be terrifired but overjoyed if he said yes (chances are very slim). We are starting to get some order back into our lives, financially, socially, mentally - you get my drift. I can't picture myself pushing a pram round and pureeing for England again either.... Has anyone else been in this position and if so, what did you do?? So, confused and it is starting to encroach into every thing else I do. Tell me what I want - take the responsibility of this decision away from me! AAAAAgh.

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ninah · 20/09/2005 16:02

sounds like yes, you do!

handlemecarefully · 20/09/2005 16:16

But it's only a short time of angst when they are babies in the context of an overall lifetime...(I don't relax until they are over 2.5 ish actually, when I personally start finding it easier).....

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 20/09/2005 16:16

plus I don't think I am a great parent to the one beautiful DD I have - love her to bits but have zero tolerance and patience. Can't do the getting down on the floor and playing thing. Work 4 days a week and find the SAHM thing rather appealing (just as DD starts pre-school). Hated what pregnancy did to my body and boobs last time and either they have got better or I have just got used to them... Shall I go on?

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Original poster

bootsmonkey · 20/09/2005 16:19

I know it is short term pain, and I can kind of go for that again, but DH really thinks it would do for him this time! And he isn't prepared to try and I don't think I could or should change his mind. He was/is a SAHD, although now working P/T, so bore the brunt of it.

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Original poster

bootsmonkey · 20/09/2005 16:20

Do/did some of you really enjoy the first six months of you babes life. I wished it away and scrubbed it from my memory and that makes me sad.

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handlemecarefully · 20/09/2005 16:20

Bootsmonkey - if you have 2 you won't have to get down on your knees and enjoy playing dolls picnics / trains etc with your dd. Her sibling will become a playmate quite quickly.

DD (3 yrs) started to find ds a reasonable play mate from about the age of 13 months (now 18 months)

In some ways having 2 takes a bit of pressure off you.

Mum2girls · 20/09/2005 16:21

bootsmonkey - I wished it away with DD1 and cherished every minute (of both of them) second time round.

aloha · 20/09/2005 16:24

If you were both working and had childcare, would that make it better for you? I think it's great to have one child if that is what you want and I'm not of Cod's school of thought re cruelty (!) but I have to admit that having two is more tricky, tiring and expensive etc but it is also lovely and I don't regret it for a moment. I also have a bonus child in the form of my stepdaughter and having three kids in the house is fantastic too - esp as one is just turned 14 and wonderful with her small siblings.
I think if you are aware of the risk of PND you can do more to avert it (get help in, take fish oils etc) and treat it much more promptly.

aloha · 20/09/2005 16:25

Oh and pregnancy has wreaked havoc on my body, but hey, I've got the rest of my life to try to get it back a bit.

It has been lovelier the second time around, that's for sure. WE all dote on dd, esp ds!

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 20/09/2005 16:25

handlemecarefully - there will be a 4yr+ gap between them - I guess the age gap dosn't really matter?

M2G - I'm glad it was better for you second time round. I think part of it for me is that I feel I failed the motherhood test with DD and I want to prove I am capable. Still not sure that is a good enough reaon though to step into the unknown and it certainly isn't a good enough reason for DH. I am not 100% sure that I want to go through it all again. And if I am not sure how can I persuade DH!

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lucy5 · 20/09/2005 16:30

I know where you are coming from. my dd is 4.9 and life is good but I have a yearning to be pregnant but I'm not sure I want a second child. I think we have left it too long. Dh on the otherhand is desperate.

Bozza · 20/09/2005 16:31

3.3 year gap between mine and yes they do play together (at 4.7 and 1.4) more than I thought they would at this age because I assume it will increase as DD becomes more verbal. They also fight! It was less traumatic second time but still difficult.

My reasons for not having a third are that it did affect my body (abs and boobs) more second time, DH won't, hate the idea of being pregnant and finances.

aloha · 20/09/2005 16:33

Gaps don't matter IMO. A bigger one makes things easier IMO, and you don't have to be of a similar age to love each other. (Also four years is really nothing a 2 year old can play with a 6 year old, an 8 year old can go shopping/swimming/playing tennis with a 12 year old and a 24 year old and 28 year old can be the very closest of friends.

Mud · 20/09/2005 16:34

hacing 2 is much easier than 1. having 3 is far harder than 2 though

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 20/09/2005 16:34

Well, lucy5, if my DH was desperate for another, I probably would be pregnant now. I wonder if I have answered my own question there?? I don't think the age gap is a problem, I am 5 years older than my younger brother and although we weren't very close as children, we are now.

On the other hand I could just be being stubborn and because my DH is so against it I have taken the opposite stance! He is also 48 this year and feeling it!

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Original poster

bootsmonkey · 20/09/2005 17:06

Aloha - were both you and DH equally up for another?? If one was less convinced initially do you think it would affect the future father/child relationship? i.e. for those god awfull midnight sessions when nothing will stop them crying? It would always be my problem, my fault and my child then?!

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Tinker · 20/09/2005 19:39

But the first 12 months isn't always hard. Plus, you do have the benefit of knowing it will pass.

aloha · 20/09/2005 21:43

I wanted it more than dh did - I cried! He was surprised but agreed. And do you know what? Our dd has never once cried in the night like that. Yes, she wakes, but always goes to sleep after a feed. Totally different to ds, thank god. It doesn't have to be awful. Yes, I'd like it if she fell asleep at 6.30 and woke at 7am, and instead she goest to sleep at 8 - 8.30 and wakes at 7ish and she still wakes at least once a night, but knowing that a quick slurp is all she wants really cushions the pain. And she is so lovely and happy and cheerful. Sorry, don't suppose this is helping at all!
One is also great. Sometimes I really miss having time alone with ds too.

albosmum · 20/09/2005 21:50

After 9 years dh and i decided to have another and it has been a better experience this time. But no one except you can make the decision.

Bozza · 20/09/2005 21:59

I cried too. And got DH drunk! If it had been DH's decision alone there would have been only DS. And although DD was not as easy as Aloha's DD (we still did have the occasional 1 am drive up the M1) she was much easier than DS. And once or twice in the early days I did get it thrown back at me - but I had sort of braced myself to expect that. And DD is now 16 months and DH is besotted by her. She is lovely and bright and sparkly.

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 21/09/2005 08:25

Well, we had another bad night yesterday - woken twice and then at 6am and started the morning with the mother of all tantrums, so DH has backtracked on any positive noises he was making!! I hear what you are saying regarding the second child being a different kettle of fish, but what if DD was the GOOD sleeper & the next was even worse????? THat would really do for our sanity & relationship! I did think that we would be past the sleepless nights by 3.4yo....

Has anyone elses 3yo regressed at all when they started pre-school? DD has just moved from 2 sessions a week to 5 and has become clingy, weepy and very on the edge. She is obviously tired as she has had to cut her naps Mon-Thurs, but she was heading that way anyway. We keep to the quiet bedtime routine and try to get her to sleep by 7.15, but some days she just won't give it up, including the full weeping 'mummy don't leave me' routine, followed by a half hour back rub to quieten her down!

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staceym11 · 21/09/2005 09:12

myself and dh are ttc #2, we'r prob in a different situation coz my dd has always slept at least 6hrs over night, starting to think this is the wrong time tho coz she is 11mth tomo and has started being stubborn and not wanting to go to bed, oh and she has a cold and is waking up every half hour over night, so im feeling very tired and wondering if having another would take me to my wits end, but i relish in the thought of having another, i so long to make my family complete and watch my two children play happily (hopefully!)

all i can say is its up to you and your dh, you cant expect him to just come round to your way of thinking, esp. if you'r not too sure. it needs some long hard discussing. its only you two who can make the decision!

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 21/09/2005 10:31

Stacey - good luck with no.2 - hope you get another sleeper!

I know that only we can make this decision, but I really don't know what I want and I can't just keep drifting like this. Nor can I force the issue as we just keep going round in circles....DH never wanted to be a father in the first place...

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