boys preferring their Mum's

[mrdavidcolin]

Hi, I am a Dad and my partner and i have one little boy aged three who is confident, clever and fairly sure of himself. we both love him deeply of course. We pretty much share the care of R , who is settled into a nursery 3 days a week and liking it, and I think we are both good parents, playing reading , knowing when he needs space, etc , etc. we eat well and neither of us have any major difficulties with life. At times, R will not let me do anything for him. even after we have had a day together , doing nice things and having a lovely time. 'Mummy do it" he screams, ' I don;t like you' is another one, physically pushing me away at the top of his voice. most of the time its fine I can handle it, and rise above it, but sometimes it is quit e painful. my partner too is exhausted by it. We want to help him. is this just oedipal rage, or something else? as i say we share the care, both having independent and dual relationships with him. grateful for ANY feedback

I've got a 2.5yr old boy,I do most of the care so he does usually want me if he's tired,upset etc. Have you read any books about raising boys? I read one by steve biddulph (I think) that pretty much says initially boys form a strong bond with their mums as they provide the comfort/reassurance in the early days. However,as they get older male role models become very important and they start to gravitate towards males to learn more about how to behave. So naturally he will start to bond with you more as he gets older. To help the process along could you find a hobby to do together,just the 2 of you?

they go through phases.

Sometimes they are all dad, sometimes they are all mum. swings and roundabouts. try not to take it personally.

spend more time alone with him?

it really is totally normal for them to be clingy with one or the other.

I completely understand your description.
We have the same issue in our house.
DD, 4yo, is just like that and always has been.
She loves her father dearly and loves to spend time with him, but on a day to day basis she spends the majority of her time with me. She often won't allow DH to do much for her at all and demands that I do everything.
DH doesn't complain about it, but I'm sure he finds it as hard as you to hear. Personally, I don't mind too much, but I find it draining and I sometimes resent that DH can't share more of the childcare burden.
I'm sure both our children will grow out of it eventually. As far as I know it's completely normal for young children to prefer to have everything done by the parent with whom they spend most of their time. I suppose they like things done in the familiar way.

Ahhh bless you, it must be bothering you. My ds used to be like this, I did/still do all of the day to day stuff so I guess he was naturally used/more comfortable with me doing things. It is just a phase, I think most boys can be like this to be honest. Our ds is almost 6 and ADORES daddy time now, can't wait for him to get in from work, doing reading, wrestling, playing football. Things will change just keep doing what your doing, you sound like a lovely caring father.

My DS1 prefers DH by a long chalk, and I have to admit that it really gets to me at times. DS1 will come to me, but mainly it's DH.

He wants DH to brush his teeth, read his bedtime story, take him to nursery and just about everything else. If I offer to do it he shouts 'NOT you, I want Daddy to do it', and then has an almighty tantrum if DH can't for whatever reason.

My son, bless him, has no concept of tact and is always very blunt when voicing his preference.

I have been in tears over this, because it hurts. DH feels awful about it so I don't let on quite how upsetting it is for me. I would say I was a pretty good mum on the whole, so I don't know why DS1 prefers DH.

I just hope that eventually he will stop with the preference, or at least learn to keep it to himself!

nothing to do with the old misery guts of Thebes, just a phase

ds at 10 is in the opposite phase, where only daddy will do and his main ambition in life is to show me what an embarrassment I am to their male world (annoys him no end that dh refuses to play along)- and no, he hasn't learnt to keep it to himself either

Thanks everybody for all comments , really useful to hear comparative tales, I guess how i see it now it is not To fight it, it is obviously he needs developmentally......SO fair enough!

My DS2 was just the same, he was fine when I wasn't there but the minute I was he needed me to do everything. DS was 3 last week and we are finally coming out of it and he'll even let daddy cuddle him sometimes!

DS1 on the other hand, a total daddy's boy, used to devastate me when he'd been with me having a lovely time all day then superhero daddy would walk in and he'd be away from me quick as a flash.

It will even out for you
x

My DS (3 yr) is the same although we have a slightly different care situation as I (the mum) work full-time and my DH has been the SAHD since DS was 7 months old. So DH does the childcare during the day and then i do the bedtime/bath/playing after work and weekends, but my DS will still want me to do everything for him - read stories, put him to bed etc and does quite often come out with "I don't like Daddy"! I figured it was because DH is much more strict with him than I am (working mum guilt probably is why I'm a soft touch) so he prefers me sometimes. Figure he'll grow out of it and will want his Dad more as he gets older.