PND - looking for reassurance

[natsyloo]

I am a dubutante at posting so please bear with me as am not a fully fledged mumsnetter.

I have a 14 wk old ds and have PND. I am lucky enough to have a v supportive dh,a great network of friends, and a v supportive GP and HV. I' am on sertraline and have just upped my dose but still finding things a challenge and get pretty low some days.

I have always dreamed of having a baby and had a textbook smooth ride through my pregnancy. I had a v difficult birth involving ventouse, 3rd degree tears, surgery and blood transfusions and had bad baby blues on day 4. I've had anxiety & depression before so recognised the symptoms but find the feeling of detachment from my ds and negative irrantional thoughts really distressing.

I make a point of going out every day with my ds, do baby massage and yoga to improve bonding and am also 'crusading' to set up a PND support group in my area as there is nothing out there for mums in this position which is ridiculous, given there are 3 breastfeeding support groups.

I've read Brooke Shields' story (amazing and resonated so much with me)Am going for an assessment for counselling next week. I'm doing all I can to ride the storm but sometimes I really worry that I'll never get back to 'normal' and enjoy a happy healthy relationship with my ds. It makes me v sad.It's all I want but it seems so elusive.

I would love to hear from other mums who have experienced this and come through the other end. Apologies for the diatribe...

Hi natsyloo.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

It sounds like you are doing amazingly well. Firstly, you have acknowledged your depression and anxiety, and are getting help. That alone is a hugely positive step. It's also great to hear that you have support around you. Stay open, keep talking and confiding in your nearest and dearest about your feelings as much as you feel able - just do not feel you have to cope with this alone, that is my number one piece of advice to you. PND is incredibly common, as I'm sure you are aware. You are not alone, and YES, you will come through this, with a bit of time and the right support.

I had crushing PND with my first child. Like you, I had a good pregnancy, my baby was very much wanted and I was feeling very positive about the whole thing. Also had a supportive DH and family, and all should have been plain sailing on paper.

Unfortunately, I also had a traumatic birth and was physically unwell afterwards, which affected my ability to breastfeed. I ended up feeling exhausted, highly anxious and, when I look back, very shocked by the brutality of the whole experience! I didn't really acknowledge that I was unwell until about 16 weeks in, when I couldn't keep up the facade any more and found myself in constant floods of tears all the time. I just felt so hopeless and so anxious. It was a very bleak time, looking back.

I wasn't really able to get out and about and face the world in the same way you are doing, and I think it's great that you are making the effort to socialise, exercise and generally keep on keeping on. Just go easy on yourself. You don't have to 'cure' yourself overnight. Baby steps, one day at a time - that was my mantra, and I think it's a good one.

Meds didn't work for me (although they are hugely helpful for many women with PND), but counselling was helpful (although it took a while and sometimes felt frustrating and even painful) and exercise was almost magical (must be the endorphins). Time was the biggest healer, though. I found it took me about 18 months to really get to grips with being a mother, and probably a bit longer to properly exorcise the ghost of my horrible birth experience.

I went on to have a second baby (better birth, no PND), and my oldest child is now almost 6 yrs old. To be honest, as hellish as it was, I think I am probably a stronger and kinder person because of my PND.

Good luck and am happy to chat any time x

Hi Faaamily,

Thanks so much for your lovely post. One of the hardest things about this whole experience is the isolation you can feel. You might have a host of friends and the best family in the world but way you feel and the world you create in your head can be a very lonely one.

I completely understand your point re 'the facade' - I'm normally a very smiley, jokey gal and seem to be one of those people who can do a darn good job of acting the part. So much so that people keep saying how well I'm doing and assume I must be 'better'.It makes me feel guilty/rubbish when I don't appear to be making progress so I think your mantra is something I should defo adopt!

I really can't wait for a time when I can enjoy being a mummy. I have to be honest, I think a lot of my expectations were super high and my glasses a very deep shade of rose, so the reality is pretty hard going.

Thanks again for your post and for sharing your story, it is a real comfort to me.

I just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone. I had a very easy pregnancy & like you a supportive family around me but have also suffered with PND & it is horrible. I also had very high expectations of myself, and when my DD was about 10 weeks old & very colicky & I was unable to keep on top of everything I finally cracked & admitted that there was a problem. I am having counselling which is helping - it's a slow process (DD is now 6 months) and there are still days when I find it pretty tough, but things are getting better. Hang in there - it sounds like you are doing a fab job.

Thanks nah1974 - it's just hard to believe things will change when each day is such a challenge. it doesn't help that my ds isn't sleeping well so sleep deprivation is thrown into the mix..

still, i think if i can survive this i can pretty much survive anything! hope you continue to feel better and thanks for your kindness.

...you know your life is chaotic when your 15 wk old ds is screaming in the nursery at a pitch only dogs can hear, you're stuck on the toilet wincing at the after effects of 3rd degree tears and a persistent infection (sorry, I know I'm over-sharing)...then your greyhound looks you straight in the eye and wees all over the new landing carpet.

Even the dog needs therapy now! Thankfully I'm trying to see the funny side as it would make excellent comedy sketch material...

Ps. I am setting up a PND support group in our area as there isn't one at the mo and I've joined forces with my HV to lobby the local children's centres who have agreed to go ahead :)
We now plan to set up a focus group to talk about what format it should take (I know that sounds a bit full on but there are so many groups out there that are a bit wishy washy so I want to make sure mums get something out of it but it's not too heavy or tedious). I thought we could include relaxation techniques and a nice chance to chill out at the end of the sesh - I do that at baby yoga and find it really lovely.

Does anyone out there go to groups and if so what is it about them that you like or get something out of? Just a chance to chat and share issues or more structured?

Any advice would be welcome - thanks.

You're doing all the right things in getting out there and doing stuff, but don't over do it, let things slip if you feel you can't keep up with it - you don't have to show you're coping by doing loads.

The thing I wish I'd been told much more clearly was that babies grow up and change - although you only see this in retrospect, not at the time (at the time it feels like groundhog day). It seems so obvious but for some reason I just couldn't see beyond them being babies and the fact I couldn't cope now (rather than thinking 'it won't be forever - you will cope better next week when they go an extra hour or two at night').

My SIL and I, who have both suffered, used to tell each other to keep 'eyes on the prize' ie the 6 month marker. It is genuinely hard work for the first 6 months - it's pants to have someone hanging off you all the time as a hip attachment and waking you up all night shouting in your ear. Some people can cope with this. I couldn't. I feel bad about wishing their early months away, but isn't it natural to wish for things to be a bit less relentless than they are in the early days? Is it really that great to be pain and getting screamed at whilst your dog pees on the carpet? No, frankly it's not - I agree it has a certain dark humour to it but it's difficult to see that at the time isn't it!

It does ease up in months 6 - 12 but once you get to a year it is not nearly such hard work and life does return to some semblance of normality. That gave me space to come to terms with the big changes in my life and get back on an even keel mentally. SIL and I both agree though that 18 months is the real moment when you look back and thing phew, the really hard work is over!

I know people will say that the baby bit is the best and list a whole load of problems with having toddlers etc etc but frankly in my view the older they get the more interesting (and independent) they are. I much prefer trying to explain to my 3yo boys about where the sun goes when it goes down, and going to the park to go cycling for example than I did pushing a pram, getting screamed at for seemingly no reason and being kept awake at night!

I wish more people could be frank about the first few months with babies and acknowledge how hard it is. Ditto I wish people would be more frank about birth. Yes, I expect it can be a lovely experience for some but my sneaking suspicion is that for the majority it is just plain painful and scary - for me, looking back, I wish I had just viewed it as a means to an end rather than imbuing it with such significance.

My SIL told me about the graphic thoughts she had had about shutting her DS in the oven when he wouldn't stop crying (I thought this was an imaginative variation on the usual thoughts about throwing them out the window) and whilst it sounds awful, and was awful at the time, it made me realise that having a baby was a massive challenge for everyone and it wasn't surprising that I felt I couldn't cope and needed counselling to come to terms with it all. Believe it or not we laugh about this now.

Once my boys became real little people that interact, rather than screaming bundles that need attending to but gave nothing in return, I fell in love with them - but slowly at first. Now they drive me nuts with their fighting and bickering but they are great fun and this is what i expected motherhood to be about.

Just brilliant - I think you capture it all so well. And you're right - I wish other people would be a bit more honest about the early weeks/months...having said that I am the queen of idealism and used to think I would feel complete and serene upon giving birth!

Thanks for your post - the honesty about it all is a true tonic.

Yes, I think I was far to idealistic about the whole thing as well - in fact it is messy and hard work, the hardest work you have ever done in your life as it's never 'finished' - unlike revising for exams, or a big project at work.

However, you are a matter of months away from the sunny uplands of toddlerhood when it gets easier, and really only a few weeks away from that first 6 month milestone. It's not to say there aren't challenges, but they seem much easier to deal with (probably because everyone is getting more sleep and the hormones have calmed down a bit!)

I did go back to work, just one day a week initially, which was great as it gave me some much needed variety (and the opportunity to drink a whole cup of tea, without interruption).

Good luck with your group - I was having a very interesting chat with a friend the other day (also PND sufferer after her first) whose DH has just lost his father. His GP put him in touch with a bereavement charity who do counselling and they come round once a week to their house, whatever time suits (including evenings), for one-on-one sessions! No waiting list. My friend and I both agreed that a service like that for PND would make a massive difference!!

well there's nothing quite like a trauma to make you assess life. our ds was rushed to a&e on wed morning projectile vomiting and with blood in his nappy :-(

he was diagnosed with a twisted bowel and, under the ecxellent medical care at royal manchester children's hospital, had a procedure to correct it and he and i had an overnight stay.

in the midst of all the craziness i was overwhelmed by the fear of him being seriously poorly - my little treasure looked so little and vulnerable.

all v stressful but made me value him immensely. we're so grateful he's back to his smiley self again.