my son is so sad at high school please help

[cheeryface]

my 11 year old son is quite sensitive and somewhat naive. hes started at high school this time and things are really not good.

he really hates it. i have had him this morning crying and refusing to go.

it has been hard to really get a clear picture of whats so wrong but this is what i have gathered:

The students , swearing , spitting and basically behaving in all the ways i have always taught him is wrong , which he cant cope with . i assume its only some of them but to him thats enough.

no friends particularly and some that call him names etc

the work , too taxing and too hard he says

the teachers , not nice and getting on at him for not doing his work properly. says he sick of them telling him to do things he cant do.

and really just everything he says. he hates it.

at primary, he didnt really enjoy school and he did seem to struggle at times with things that other kids said , he tends to take things to heart but he was ok there and the teachers had no problems with him , liked him and he had some friends . he got fours in sats at the end of the year.

i just dont know what to do, i mean is every high school going to upset him ? have i chosen a particularly bad one ? there is another one in my town but what if its just as bad there?

i wish i could move house somewhere nicer , with nicer schools but i cant.

my heart is breaking , he thinks i dont care because i keep sending him.

i have made an appointment to see a teacher at the school on Thursday but i dont know what else to do.

sorry this is long and thanks for reading.

Hey cheeryface - really feel for you. Your poor ds sounds so unhappy.

You haven't mentioned any hobbies - what does he like to do? Is he sporty? Does he like drama or music? Cars? Animals?

A friend of mine had a son who was struggling with school, friends, schoolwork, fitting in etc and then they suddenly discovered he could run like the wind. Now belongs to an athletics club with lots of friends with similar interests and everyone thinks he's cool and the girls fancy him cos he's got great legs.

He's a different person - confident, popular and with a real focus in life. He'll never be an academic genius and he's still quite awkward in social situations but he has a passion in his life to talk about and it makes him smile.

Keep loving him, supporting him and help him find his mojo.

my son does karate after school and he likes football. he has stopped playing football though since starting this school . He doesnt want to be involved at this one.

He is having drumming lessons at school but they are 15 minutes once a week.

at dinner times he has been going into the music room to play the drums , there is a few older lads that go there and yesterday they told him he had been banned for dropping a guitar (which he says he didnt) and he just walked away.
at break times he is just walking to his next lesson and waiting there for it to start.

i had a review day with his form tutor, who quite frankly was a cow. she offered no help except that he should join in with clubs more and if he didnt then he was isolating himself and basically only has himself to blame.
she also told him he cant carry on being in his own little bubble because things rae going to go horribly wrong for him !
he attitude was awful.

Can you afford private drum lessons? Local music schools? Is he interested in joining a band or even forming one when he's a bit older?

School - is there a student services dept you can speak to? My dc's school is great at this sort of thing - you can by-pass the tutors and go to non-teaching staff who are qualified to counsel parents and pupils.

Does he have friends at karate that he could socialise with more? Are there any opportunities for him to get involved with helping train the younger karate students?

yes , he does all that out of school but its the going to school he hates :(

In that case - who is responsible for pastoral care or student welfare at the school? Speak to them, without your son, and get their advice. My experience at our school is that they are brilliant.

Poor chap. My dd started yr7 in Sep and it's been a huge step. I too worry about her. She manages it ok, but she too is quite sensitive and I know the older students must seem terrifyingly intimidating at times.

What supports and buffers her are one or two close friends. Can you foster some friendships with a couple of people at school? Maybe someone ds was friendly with at his junior school and already knows and likes. Try and do it now before they all settle into impenetrable friendship groups. Perhaps for the occasional sleepover or to 'hang out' (as dd says).

The other thing we've found helps build her confidence is scouts. A local group will probably have children in it who are at the same school as ds and it's a safe and interesting place to do sociable stuff away from school and they do keep an eye open for anything like swearing and bad behaviour and stop it instantly.

The tutor does sound awful. Blimey you'd think if nothing else it'd be in her interests to try and help him settle in more. What about the head of year? We're always being told at ours that the year head is approachable about any problems too.

oh dear i really feel for you and your ds, i had terrible trouble at high school i was very sensitive etc and i really hated going.i would go in every day but walk home after registration every single day.my mum would take me back up to 4 times a day and id still leave and go home again.i did it for 3 of the 4 years then went for the last year purely to get gcses it was really tough time.

i saw an educational social worker (do they still have these?) a psychiatrist and counsellor.in the end to keep me there they let me spend every day in the learning support room on my own to do my work, i couldnt handle breaktimes so i was allowed to stay in and i was allowed to leave ten mins early at end of day so as to avoid the other kids.

a lot of children have a genuine school phobia you should see your doctor as well as the school.Ireally hope you manage to get the help and support you so desperately need it must be such a worrying time.

on the plus side i want you to know that when i went through this i was not the only one there were a few others who were very sensitive and hated high school as well and all grew up to be lovely kind compassionate adults with a real and deep understanding of other peoples problems and feelings,all are now sociable so it had no lasting issues experiencing these problems as a child.

i hope your ds gets the support and that things improve for you, all the best

thankyou for the replies . i didnt like high school much myself as i was a quiet kid . its awful that so many children are spending years going when they hate it.
one size learning does not fit all !

i would homeschool if i thought i could do it .

there were only two other boys from primary moved up with him and neither he had ever really been friends with.

iam sure you could homeschool-you could phone the la education department and ask what it involves and i think secondary ed home schooling would be easier than primary as your ds would already have a good foundation of learning to draw on and also could work independantly a lot of the time.

if he already has friends and does activities out of school then the social aspect would also be covered.if it were me id seriously consider it as if id had the option of being home schooled when i wads at high school it would have saved me from a really hard and upsetting few years

Awww, I really feel for your son after reading that. I remember starting secondary school and worrying who to sit next to in the lessons because I worried the other kids wouldn't like me enough to sit next to them. The first few I sat by myself and did feel very isolated, but I was lucky enough to make some friends after a day or so. Even now as an adult (and I am a teacher) I hate going to courses alone as, again, I don't know where to sit, and particularly hate the break times when I have to force myself to talk to people, which I do and then sometimes enjoy meeting new people, but for a child that's a very difficult thing to do. So I really feel for him that he is spending his break times just walking to the next classroom and waiting for the lesson to start! That's no way to spend your school life, poor kid. His form tutor sounds like a horrible cow as well, which is probably why he isn't making friends as she's obviously not very good at spotting kids that need a bit of help doing so and then giving them the help they need. And her blaming him for not joining more clubs is stupid. It isn't friends in clubs he needs, it's friends in his classes so he has people to hang around with at break times. I'm sure if he was part of a group, the name calling from (I'm hoping) a minority would stop. Or even if it didn't, I'm sure it wouldn't feel so bad if he had friends to be with.

I sympathise about the behaviours that get him down. I was fairly naive when I started secondary and I think some other kids guesed this as I got a few comments such as 'do you know what sex is? I bet you don't. My mate wants to have sex with you' etc etc. But I could brush things off as I had friends. I was never seriously bullied I think because I had an older brother who was very much in the 'popular' group in his year, which was a lot nicer than mine, and I knew, and I'm sure everyone else knew, that he (and his friends) would stand up for me if needed.

Your son must have been at the school for a term and a half now, which is a long time to feel miserable, poor thing. Ok, as to practical advice, it's difficult as he has a rubbish form tutor. I think your next step would have to be his head of year. Generally a sympathetic teacher is assigned head of Year 7, so you might get more joy there and he/she might also have words with the form tutor and make her do something.

If the drums in the music room is his only sanctuary, then find out what the rules are so that your son can stand his ground. I'm sure those older kids just made something up to get him out of the way, but I can imagine that if someone had said to me I was banned, no matter who said it, at that age I would be too scared to go back. So clear that misunderstanding up so that he knows he has teachers blessings and is definitely allowed in. Also, there might be other kids in the year who play drums, but don't know they can use them at lunch times. Perhaps the Head of Year could find out and try to suggest it to a couple of them, so your son can get to know them at lunch times.

Probably he is only finding the work too hard because he is so stressed about everything. If he felt happier then he would probably relax and find it all a bit easier, as if he got Level 4s he should be doing quite well. Having said that though, if there is/are one or two subjects that he is finding really difficult then it might be worth getting a tutor for a few weeks to help to build up his confidence.

Where did the rest of the kids from his primary school go if only a couple of them have moved up with him? Is there no option of him going to their school?

Are there any children who he feels he might like to be friends with? Does he know what they do at break times? I'm sure he will feel very apprehensive about doing it, but he might need to force himself to just go up to them and join in. Suggest things for him to say, such as, 'Have you done the homework for the next lesson? Did you find it hard? I did.' He might find it easier to talk to people if he has a 'script' to follow to begin with.

If there is really noone who he thinks he could be friends with, which is possible knowing the behaviour at some schools, though usually there is a 'nice' group, then you may have to consider another school. If it has a diferent attitude, no tolerance for bullying etc, then it could be a completely different atmosphere for your son and he could love it. I would try and encourage him to open up a bit more to the other kids for the rest of this term, speak to the Head of Year etc, then if nothing has changed by Christmas, look into moving him, as a term is a long time to have hated somewhere and it's best to get settled somewhere new in the early years of secondary if possible.

Also, don't rule out home educating him. There is quite a lot of support, and you could maybe have a tutor for a couple of subjects once or twice a week if you feel he needs specialist teaching. There are a lot of text books, workbooks, the Internet, etc to use as well.

Home schooling? My friend took her 10 year old ds out of school because of bullying, srarted home schooling and said it is the best thing she has done. Her ds is a lovely, confident boy and socialises well with other kids at groups he goes to.

When you go to the meeting think about the outcome you want to achieve and make sure you have a note of all the points you want to raise. Take a note of what is said at the meeting too. If you can also take a sensible friend with you partly for moral support, partly so they can listen for the bits you don't hear because you will be stressed and partly because the friend will be a "witness" to what is said and you are more likely to make headway about what your son needs.

I'm so sorry you and he are going through this. He wil be OK thought because you obviously care for him a great deal.

Look up homeschooling in your area on the internet. I have a friend in Oxford who homeschools her 5 sons. There's a big network of homeschoolers in Oxford. They get together and hire tutors between them for subjects they can't cover. Maybe your area is similar without you knowing it.

When I first started senior school I hated it and cried for the first year, it took that long to settle and make good friends. I did settle though. (although I still shudder at the thought of that year). But it was a nice school. I was just unlucky in the people I hooked up with to start with. You'll need to do some proper research into what type of school this is (your appt. with teacher is a good start) so you can assess whether you think he'll settle...or not. Talk to the Head too. They need to come up with a plan to help him to settle. If they're not proactive, then look elsewhere.

hi,
thanks for all the support and advice , really appreciated.
im just back from school where i met with a teacher who was much nicer than the form tutor.

her take on it was that she had become worried about him because he had started off being involved with everything and then changed to being really miserable and just not doing anything , just sitting there.

she seemed to think that the boy who had been giving him grief had started to behave now, apparently he had also been in trouble with the teachers and she said he had turned himself around now.
i told her this wasnt the case , and showed her a list of insults my son had written down earlier in the week.

basically , i told her everything my son has told me and she said the first thing they are going to do is observe him in lessons.

she said it will be someone from SEN and she will ring me again after that. also she is going to email me any comments emailed to her from the teachers of his lessons.

i am surprised about them observing him , i mean do they think its him with the problem and not the school ?

any thoughts on that ?

forgot to mention that my son also suffers absence attacks ( a form of mild epilepsy) where he can go blank just for 5 seconds but can miss what people have said. never really affected him at primary though.

What's SEN?

Maybe they want to see if his mood picks up because the boy has stopped bullying him?

Perhaps you should clarify with the nice teacher?

its some one to do with special needs i think.

If you told her all the things the other kids have been doing/saying to your son and her response was that someone is going to observe him, it sounds like they hope to catch someone doing something to him. Which, really, is a bit unlikely in a lesson with an extra adult in. It would make more sense to observe him without anyone realising, out in the playground, or in the corrodors between classes. That is more likely when they will catch the kids being horrible to him.