Can't seem to get the parenting balance right.

[immanuelkant]

I've been thinking about this for a while. There are those who would say I have slight control-freaky tendencies. I'm also rather prone to over-analysis. I do need order and discipline where my dcs are concerned, I can't cope with chaos, and I am quite a strict parent. My dcs are pretty well-behaved, not always, but usually. So I'm glad about the strictness on the one hand.

I have a few lovely friends who are much more laid-back than me, but whose dcs are, while delightful children, rather out of control - rude, don't listen, not many boundaries etc.

I don't want that, but at the same time, I don't want to always be laying down the law. It feels like sometimes I'm like an army major, giving out orders, and my children are often grumpily carrying out requests.

So is that just the way it has to be sometimes if you don't want them walking all over you? What would you say is the ideal middle ground between children obeying but resenting this authority figure and children who run rings around the parent(s)? I'm sure some of you must have found it and can help me!

Sorry this is really waffley but I'm thinking out loud here.

I see what you are saying and I am not really sure there is one answer. Every child and every parent is different.

I do think that 'pick your battles' is a good mantra for discipline and order. Not everything has to be in order all the time, I think. A little chaos can be good!

Of course, my son is only 17 months and discipline is a lot of distraction and moving him away!

I think that when you become a parent it makes you aware of who you are. I wish I was more of a disciplinarian, but I'm just not - I simply haven't got it in me. I then worry that I shouldn't really be letting the dc have mini-milks for breakfast, but I think well sometimes I don't fancy weetabix, so fair enough.

I think the key is confidence - as long as you beleive that what you are doing is the right thing, then it is. Change is possible but you have to be convinced of its importance. What exactly would you like to do differently?

Yes I agree there needs to be chaos at times, or spontaneity as I prefer to see it(!), and thankfully my dcs have DH for most of that.

An example from just now: DH is working away and I don't have my own transport so me and the dcs are having a day at home. They've been up since 7am, making noise and fighting etc, so I've just "put" them into the garden to give myself a breather. I know logically that what I did was not unreasonable but they were moaning and groaning and I told the eldest to get the shed key so they could all have their bikes, which she did with a roll of the eyes and shoulders hunched. Should I just be grateful that they do what I say, even with the horrible attitude all the time? I feel like they must be spoilt brats or that I've got something totally wrong. As I see it the alternative would be to let them choose whether they stay in or out, they would probably choose to stay in, then I would get stressed out and end up shouting later.

They are actually having good fun outside now.

baskingseals I would like them to be on my side a but more, rather than doing things because they have to - maybe too much to ask!

they've all got attitude. Honestly don't worry about attitude, they can't help themselves. Do what YOU want op. Their your children. Your morning scenario sounds fine to me and something I would do. You are the grown-up, you have to make a lot of the decisions. Sorry to ask again, but what do you want to change?

That decision sounds good to me Immanuel, although I think the mini milks for b'fast is a step to far for me. I know what you mean though op. I amnervous of letting the routine slip because it will mean a sliding scale towards chaos but on the other hand I don't want to just moan at the children all the time. Tbh I do like to learn of parents letting go a bit as I think especially middle class parenting is a bit obsessed with maintaining appearances and - daily mail readers especially - give into obsessive parenting in order to do the right thing at all times. So on that note it's time to get up and raid the freezer for last yeast's mini milks as I like the sound of this more laid back approach!

I think the key lies in always taking the time to explain why you've told them to stop whatever they're doing. I try to never say "because I said so". Sometimes I go into long, boring detail re why, say, jumping off the back of the sofa is a bad move - all the many, many permutations of how they could injure themselves nastily :o.

But I do think if you always explain rather than bark orders a) your DCs pay more attention and are less likely to repeat the behaviour and b) it's less of a you vs the kids nightmare. You're not the enemy.

That's exactly it Hassled, I don't want to end up the enemy, with teenagers who don't tell me anything etc.

I guess I just want the balance between that and having kids with too few boundaries. Mine are all strong characters and will dive right in there if they see a crack in the resolve!

It's not so much letting routines slip etc, I'm fine with that, it's more that I would like them to be happier about co-operating, if possible. I don't know if there's anything I can do about that. Maybe some children are just sunnier natured! I know no-one likes to be barked at, so will try hard with the gentle asking and see how we get on.

How old are your children, immanuel?

Because with the eyerolling etc I would think all kids start to do that at a certain age. I swear my 17 month old rolls his eyes at me sometimes!!

And I think even if they are moaning? At least they are listening!

They are 10, 8, 6. I have a clear "winner" when it comes to behaviour issues though.

I prefer to try to get my children to want to stay in my good books. I have fun with them and give lots of attention when good. When bead, time-out and ignore. I make a quick calm point but don't go on about bad behaviour as all children really seek is attention - be it through good or bad behaviour. I am in charge, consistent and firm but do it in a calm, fair, controlled way with no need for shouting or smacking. I don't want them to behave well because they fear me

Tee2072 I now take the laid back approach with ds2 who is 5. My view is that I failed first time round with ds1 (14), and picking my battles is far better now as I know what will work and what doesn't and that second time around I'm more laid back due to circs etc.

Hassled I'm trying to talk things through with ds1. My view is that as he is 14, he is mature enough to accept the consequences of some of his actions and can therefore deal with the repercussions. This is more realistic than a timeout on the stairs. In theory anyway