Feeling useless

[ExistentialistCat]

DD1 is 16 months old, DD2 is 6 weeks. I feel like I'm only barely coping. I know this is a bit daft objectively, as I'm managing to keep everyone in clean clothes and (home-cooked!) meals, the house isn't a complete tip, and we manage to go out nearly every day.

But I feel like my life is total chaos and turmoil. I'm preoccupied with all the housework that needs doing and that I just can't seem to manage; I feel a right scruffbag, which makes me feel rather sorry for DH; and even simple things like getting everyone into the car feel totally overwhelming.

Then there's the guilt about having to split myself between my girls. I'm constantly fobbing off DD1 because I'm breastfeeding, trying to read stories or play with the shape sorter with one hand. DD1 has been testing the boundaries during the day and is suddenly really hard to settle to sleep at naptimes and at night, and I'm sure it's because she isn't getting the attention that she is used to. On the other hand, it's the worst feeling in the world to leave DD2 to cry while I put DD1 down for her nap, finish her meal, or whatever (I try to minimise this by wearing DD2 in a sling).

DH is amazing. He's taken on a huge chunk of the housework, cooking and taking care of DD1. But in a way that makes me feel worse - I feel like I SHOULD be able to do all this more or less on my own because he's out working all day. Taking care of others has always been a huge part of my sense of self.

What can I do to feel better about things? I think objective reality isn't actually too bad - how can I feel that, too?

Hi there, congrats on your new addition.

I must say this all sounds thoroughly normal. Except for the part where you are managing to home-cook all meals, do all washing, look after a 1 year old and a six week old and have daily outings!!! THAT my dear is amazing.

Give yourself a break, stop trying to be perfect, and remember that motherhood gives most of us (usually undeserved) guilt.

Especially when we are breastfeeding. Those hormones have a job to do you know - to bond and bind us to our newborns and worry about them, because human babies are so defenceless and they need this insurance policy in case we aren't natural child-lovers.

I promise you part of the worry about them is down to hormones, and the rest is because it is bloody hard when they are little. And harder when you have two under two.

There were times in the first few weeks I would sob to my husband "Why did we think we could do this?!" - usually around 10pm when they were both screaming after being resettled several times, my three times-reheated dinner was stone cold again etc...

You're tired, healing, hormonal and despite all of this doing a fabulous job. And your husband sounds fab. And he no doubt thinks you are too. It gets easier, hang in there.

Thank you, Loster, that's very kind!

It's so good to hear your experience - I tend to imagine that everyone else has this wonderful regulated life with gurgling happy babies in a perfect routine! I've had exaclty the same "Why did we think we could do this?" outbursts in the context of cold dinners!

You sound amazing ExistentialCat! Two babies and home cooked meals plus clean clothes is gold standard at this point . I know exactly what you mean about it all feeling too much though, and I had a larger gap between my two. Just keep taking it one day at a time - I found I focussed more on my eldest and the littlest one was either on the boob or in the sling.

I had 2 1/2 years between babies and felt pretty much as you do. It's probably the busiest you'll ever be, on the least sleep.

I have no practical solution, other than the passage of time, but don't be hard on yourself - you're doing brilliantly.