What to do-Partner left 5 week old baby screaming alone upstairs,refusing to do anything with her

[TwoPeasOnePod]

Ok, quick(ish) post as we are at doctors soon...My partner works 45hour week, and Im on mat.leave with 3 year old and 5 week old DDs. Last night I asked him to feed youngest DD ONCE during the evening, and she was v v unsettled, crying and refusing to do a straightforward feed/sleep. So partner took her into our room hoping the darkness would settle her. 5 mins later, she was screaming again, but he was back on his computer (where he seems to be glued ALL the time regardless of toddler DD wanting to play or other stuff needing doing but thats another thread..)

SO, my question is, what do I do? I look after them both 24 hours a day, he does do things with them a bit more at the weekends but he thinks his job ends when he walks through the door,meaning I never get a break or any help.

But I can live with that, the worst part was, last night he said "She will be fucking screaming whether I leave her upstairs or whether its directly into my ear, and I cant think of anything else to do (he only tried feeding her, then gave up after 10mins, no rocking/cuddling/nappy change {angry}
So he was fine with just leaving her to scream indefinitely alone upstairs,aged 5 weeks... {angry} {angry} {sad}

How can I improve this situation? I immediately went and soothed youngest DD obviously, and intend on not even bothering to ask him to interact with her whatsoever anymore {sad} {angry} but now I can literally never have a few hours shopping or seeing friends away from the house, because I cant trust him not to just ignore DDs basic fucking needs..... Im finding it pretty hard to continue loving him when hes showing this ugly and pathetic attitude.

I agree that it's a hard call re: splitting up.

Because that would mean him taking even less responsibilty surely?

Actually I do think that a bit of screaming is a reasonable price to pay long-term for a hands-on dad (and I say this as a fairly AP -attachement parenting - parent).

I honestly think the key in your situation will be to go OUT and leave him to it LOTS, preferably taking the older child so there is no excuse for DH not to focus on the baby.

Are you bf? How much can you feasibly go out?

Hello,
Im sorry for your situation. I have been there my self. I only had one baby my DS was only 3 months old. My partner pushed me into full time work (I wanted to do part time) he wanted the bills paid. I used to come home from work feeling down missing my baby.(my husband picked up our DS one the way past from work I made him do it as I could not bear it). He would come home put baby down I would do everything all evening then. If DS cried I had to sort it he was far to busy on the computer (on world of warcraft). This would last from after tea to 12 1am I would sort DS all the time all the chores and work full time just like him. I ended up breaking down and ill. He still carried on the computer I asked him for marrage counciling this did not work. I left after 2 yrs and lived with my mum. And Im sorry but we got divorced. he was a selfish arse hole who wanted his life how it was before and showed off his son when it was appropriate. I now have been divorced for nearly 3 yrs he has to pay attention to his son now as im not there to do it for him!! And its better for my DS who now has to get attention from his dad. Im with someone else who loves me and my son and is a million times better than his own dad. I would never tell DS these things he will figure it out as he gets older. Its up to you at this point you can either try and reslove things as he to grow the hell up and be a dad to his kids or piss off. Your entitled to the house until both children are 16 and can kick him out. I did not do this I left stupid me! He brought me out. Or maybe go out for a night with friends leave him on his own let him see what hard work it is? If you dont think he will look after the little ones ok then its time to leave. I felt like this and used to cancel things as I knew he would be on the computer and not bother with DS. This is the stage where you should leave. I hope your ok and its hard I know. Oh on a lighter note the smiley things you need to use a [ not a {

Forgot to say is there anywhere you can stay for a week? And take the kids with you leave him htere give him a taster of what it would be like without you all there? I did this he creeped back and said he would try and was crying I moved back he soon went back to his old ways so I left for good. I left before I truly wanted to hate him. I ended up with heartburn and irregular heart beats he wound me up that much. But who knows maybe your other half is different? Can you stay somewhere at family or friends?

To be honest, i think it would be better to be on your own than with men like this. At least then you know that it's up to you and you're not getting wound up waiting for non-existent help from wastes of space.

Im afraid seeker is right. I have thought about this post and it does make me sad. I can remember all this shit. Its not good. It will or maybe has made you ill as well no one is worth that. Think there should be a law against men and pissing computers/PS 1,2,2/xbox ..... yep fine to unwind but not fine to abuse and not give a shit about anyone else! Its an addiction that no one seems to give a shit about accept the people left behind it may as well be a addiction like gambling or drinking.

good points, you have all given me a lot to think about.
scruffyhound it is world of warcraft that my partner also plays, although at the min he seems more into the games on facebook, i HATE fucking warcraft though!!! "I 'need' to do a raid" eerrrr NO YOU DONT, you need to re-enter the real bloody world!
I am worried that my (very intelligent and observant) 3 yr old will grow up thinking dad doesnt have time for her/other DD/me, and that makes my heart break. But speaking as a child of divorced parents, I know it would also hurt her to see us split,regardless of what i want, so its a catch-22 in that respect.
The other day she said to me that she wasnt allowed to play noisily because daddy doesnt like it, and he wasnt even there, which obviously infuriated me as kids can play as loud as they bloody like in my opinion! I really don't know what to do because I could sit here and list a hundred and one reasons why I should leave him, and maybe four or six reasons why i should stay.
Thankyou for reading if anyone has got this far, its helping me order my brain just writing it all down! My gut instinct is to get out and about and show life to my DDs and more fool my partner for missing out on it all.

and seeker that sums it up perfectly- it must be a big release of pressure in one way, to shoulder all the work yourself, and utilise that extra energy wasted on asking for help to instead lovingly parent your kids solo. But still would be bloody hard work, and to me it is terrifying too, god theres so many angles to it all, {hugs} to you all

Oh my god Im such a knob! I have just wrote a reply then not posted it! Owww man!!
Hello TwoPeasOnePod Im sorry but I had to laugh at your comment about "I hate fucking World of Warcraft" And your husband saying I need to do a raid. I can remember those exact same words. "I need to do a raid were waiting for people to join before we can start" after him being on it all the time I did say you have a problem your always on there his reply was fab " your lucky Im only on it this much some people are on it all the time" yeh because he was only on it every night when he was not at the gym and even when he came back from the gym he was on it! Then all day saturday and saturday night!! Freakin loosers!! I can remember feeling very sad and let down then becoming angry as time went by I had mentally left my husband 1 year before I actually left the home. I moved in with mum and enjoyed life more. I still looked after my son like I did before and worked. But every other weekend my ex had our DS which at first I was worried DS would be ok. He was and had to be because I was not there to do it! Instead after a while I went out with friends and enjoyed MY SELF! I got asked out on dates and had fun for a bit it was great. What Im saying is its really really hard to leave and your whole life will change. It is hard im not going to lie to you there are days where you think did I do the right thing? It takes time but I know it was right for me. We can all sit here and say leave him but its you that has to do it not any of us. It took 2 years of being in a crap relationship to leave I wish I had left sooner. Another thing I wanted to ask is when was the last time you laughed and felt happy? I was not happy for most of the 2 years. And you will not be laughing at first if you choose to leave. But you will be happy again it will take some time. Keep us posted on how it goes. Good luck drop a line if your fed up.

Oh I ment to say my parents divorced when I was 15/16 it was a hoorible time rows fighting my dad being a complete arse. That along with my boyfriend who beacame the ex husband giving me the chioce between him or our un born child and I chose an abortion at 22 yrs old for him (and I regret it big time I never forget every year and would have a 10 year old now) this is why I hung around for the extra time to try and MAKE it work otherwise in my mind I had given up a life and failed my marrige the things I vowed I would never do. But it will only work if you BOTH want it to. Sometimes Im afraid the other person is just to selfish and wants 100% from you and gives nothing or very little back.

It will only get worse, I promise. I've just spent the morning on the phone to 'rights of women'!!

scruffyhound thanks for the lovely support, and OMG yes i know exactly what you mean, how frustrating it is when they "must" wait for other people to join in on warcraft, WHAT ABOUT THE REAL PEOPLE/CHILDREN YOU LIVE WITH WHO ARE WAITING FOR YOU?!!!?? haha feels good to laugh about it

I could go to my mums for a week and see how it goes after a wee break, only problem with that is that the kids would have to share a room with me, or share a room while I kipped on the couch, pain in the arse but maybe worth it to see if I do need to make massive changes or not. But the thought of him sitting in our comfy house playing bastarding warcraft and watching porn then sleeping comfortably in a big bed makes me think why the hell should us three be uncomfortable?!
Any tips on how to get HIM to go instead of me?? ive asked him to before when things were rough but he flatly refused.

And posie, what is rights of women? is it like a helpline or something? I hope by "It will only get worse" that doesnt mean youre going through something awful??

Also, it is highly confusing in that one day/week we can be awful and really genuinely seem to hate each other and have no patience...Then the next week hes more tolerant, Im more laid back, he can actually manage to seperate work from home life and actually PAY ATTENTION to his kids...
So that makes it hard to know if this could be a 'forever' relationship because sometimes it is good.

Then on the other hand,last night for example, he came home and 3yo DD was thrilled as usual to see him, he sat in front of the tv immediately after tea and from the next room I could hear her asking him general 3year olds questions, and he was just utterly ignoring her, not maliciously, just zoned out on the tv...
After I had heard her ask him a q FOUR times and get no reply I was so pissed off that I had to go and switch off the tv, and tell him how ignorant and awful it is to ignore his excited chatty DD.....

Like someone said earlier in the thread, is it just wishful thinking hoping that men dispalying this behaviour will ever be worth bothering with?? As after all, you cannot force someone to give a shit and show interest . Hmm...

Think very carefully before leaving him though-I don't think the grass is always greener. As you say sometimes things are very good between you,and kids do put a lot of pressure on a relationship in the early days. Is it worth throwing everything away if you think he may improve. I know people say a leopard doesn't change his spots etc. but my dp is much better with ds now than when he was a baby,and hopefully will get better still as he gets older. Obviously only you know if you can ride it out or would rather be on your own.

Oh FFS this are men who are prepared to let their small children suffer in order to prove a point to you - that you are their servants and that they must be indulged or they might leave.
THrow them out. There is a possibility that they can be forced out no matter whose name the home is in as it is the chldren's home - trying to make selfish, lazy, entitled, sexist fuckpigs do their fair share is a losing battle, much better to get rid.

Firstly so shocked than anyone can leaving a 5 week old baby screaming like that, secondly that people are willing to accept such behaviour from DPs and thirdly that the advice is just to leave them?!!

Couldn't a better option be to sit down with DP, on neutral turf without DCs and talk it through, even go for counselling if necessary? DP just has to grow up and realise he can't spend hours online, those days have gone and that time needs to be spent with his family, a family that presumably he consented to have. You need to tell him how you feel, how his actions are impacting his life, your life and your children's lives and what you expect him to do to change that.

Think he'd probably be shocked to know you're thinking of leaving him and that might just give him the boot up the arse he needs.

Hello TwoPeasOnePod if you go to your mums for a week then yes it is really annoying that you have to leave I can remember this my Ex husbands excuse was I have no where to go. Well maybe if he was not such a freak and made REAL friends rather than his freakin WOW buddies then he would of had help and we might of stayed together? Anyways after that little vent. Yes why should you leave the house? I left because at the end of the day he was too lazy to leave in my opinion. So I had to sleep on an airbed with my little boy who was 2 at the time. We kept rolling into each other it was a pain in the arse! I still was at work and my DS was at nursery. But remember its only for a week and yes you should not have to leave I agree. But if it might save your relationship? Or it might make you relaise that you need out. If it comes to this you need to start procedings to get him out of the house through a solicitor. I just left I really had enough I got paid off by him he got a really good deal!
Before all this was 2 yrs of trying I tired all sorts like taking off my wedding ring and put it by the computer and tell him when your ready to be a partner give this back to me for now you can be married to the computer. He just laughed and thougth it was funny I was not laughing. I ended up putting it back on my self. I also thought of taking the fuse out of the plug for the computer I never did it but wanted to I also thoght about getting the whole fucking thing and hiding it. I tried being like him coming home from work and doing nothing but I could not leave DS it killed me to hear him cry I always gave in. I could not do it. But I stopped doing his washing and anyhting to do with him let him do his own shit. He asked where things were and I said well your always busy so am I. He then said "when I make a cup of tea I wont make you one then" I was like oh no what will I do? He only made one cup of tea a night anyways whilst waiting for the WOW buddies to turn up for his raid. My god how would I cope?! I laughed. It was nice to have that power I enjoyed it. I got bored of trying different things over 2 yrs what Im saying is you try as much as you think you need to only you will know when its time to go. You might be ready now. It is hard. I had visions of happy times with my DS and ex husband and maybe another baby. How things change. I wish you good luck and be strong!!

If you want the house to your self for a week say look the marrage is rock bottom at the moment and I cant live like this anymore I need a break from you. I fear if we dont get a break it will be for ever and I will see a solcitor about divorce so will you give us a week on our own? If its a no still just say ok then me and the kids are off to my mums and we will have to sleep cramped and the kids will not be comfortable. He will say well dont go then your putting the kids in that situation. I got told this! Dont listen do what you need to do to sort your self out. I know a lot of divorced women my mum, her friends (3 of them) all of my aunts (4 of them) only ONE of these women kept their house all the others had to leave. Good Luck

OK - without passing comment on OPs partner's behaviour for the moment.
I'd suggest giving him a postcard-sized bit of card with a list of reminders for him to do in the event of a crying baby.

1. Change nappy (quick win, and if done playfully may also distract/entertain baby).
2. Feed
3. Cuddle, comfort and rock for at least 15 minutes.

Tell him that he needs to do all the above steps when trying to settle baby. That he is not leave the baby until his has done all of the above. That he should be able to sacrifice 20 minutes of game playing for the sake of his baby.

If he can stick with this then a couple of things may happen. At the very least you will have 20 minutes advance notice to get your toddler settled/happy instead of having to instantly drop everything. Secondly, he may start having some successes - when he finds that he has been able to settle baby on his own - this will improve his confidence and hopefully encourage him to feel proud and valuable as a father.

Any luck with anything yet? Hope your ok.

Why do women have children with men like this? A genuine question.

How would you know before having children,what sort of father they're going to be?

What's he doing on the computer - work or games? My friend's husband played games all the time and abdicated himself from anything to do with the family. She had laughed it off for years, publicly, but snapped one day and threw him and the computer out the front door. She told him to go to a hotel and think about whether he wanted to be part of the family or not. He came back 'begging'. He was allowed back, the computer was not.

My point here is don't allow yourself to get to this situation. I haven't got any advice I'm afraid how to deal with it except telling him how you feel when things are calm. Maybe ask him how he feels about things. Don't let yourself become so angry with him, by not doing anything, that you snap.

I am sorry Roo83 but what you described your partner as doing with your baby is neglect. letting a baby cry because you need to go to the toilet or make a cup of tea to carm down is one thing and we all know how hard it is to hear a young baby cry. BUT to put her in the hall while he played on his XBox is awful and something you need to address with him. Computer games are addictive and if he thinks his xbox is more important than his baby crying he needs help. I would start with selling the xbox!!

It's hardley neglect-it's not like she was left for an hrs or anything! I am very saddened by his behaviour,but he is a lot better with our ds now he is older so I am assuming the same will happen with dd. I was also offering support to op and letting her know that a lot of men struggle with tiny baby's but it doesn't mean they will never bond with dc's. My solution is to do everything for dd and not rely on my partner for her care at all, that way she won't be left to cry and when she's older she will hopefully have lots of fun times with dp

I hope your ok TwoPeasOnePod? I hope you have come up with something that makes you feel a bit better?