How to stop teaching my own silly behaviour to my kids

[Simic]

I am the sort of person who is always worried to make a mistake. I beat myself up the whole time for doing something wrong/stupid and feel like I spend the whole time on tenterhooks worrying that I'm going to get in someone's way or annoy someone somehow. I'm sitting here at work thinking about ringing the childminder to apologise for not leaving quickly enough so that I got in her way. I patronised her and got in her way by helping DD with clothes when actually CM normally does this. But I did it because I feel guilty that CM has to do so much stuff for me... (ok, it's her job...!)
Apart from the fact that I make my own life unnecessarily stressful by being like this, I notice that DD often looks at me questioningly whatever she is doing. I am just worried (for a change!) that she is thinking the whole time that she has to check with me in case she is somehow doing something wrong/making a mistake - aaaarrrrrggghhhh! I try to be really hands-off with dd and not criticise her, not say anything to what she is doing - except enthusiastic things or asking her about it in a positive way. But, it all goes to pot when I'm tired. Which is most of the time.
Any ideas/tips for how I can somehow start getting out of this?

Well you are aware of yur behaviour so that's half the battle won.

I am thinkig of a funny sort of comparison to the situation you find yourself in, when I was about 19 I had to learn to juggle for a play I was in....I had a good teacher and as I tried to throw all the balls in the air and catch them, I kept runnning around as the balls went everywhere...and the teacher said You have to allow yourself to accept that dropping them is ok....save your energy, let them drop when they are going to drop and hen pick them up.

He explained that we are so conditioned to CATCH every ball that it's the first lesson f juggling ....it's ok to drop them!

I think it's a bit like this....you should try to allow yourself to make some small mistakes or take a few shortcuts in daily life. Are you very fussy about having a clean home? Or about anything else?

Maybe you could have a day where you actively try to break a few of your own rules...and when you think of things which makeyou worry...like the CM today, write it down..."Guilt over CM...waste of time!" nd then rip it up and chuck it away.

Your juggling analogy is brilliant! Good advice too. Our house is usually not clean - I don't keep it clean but then feel embarrassed about that - having a "non-embarrassed day" or writing it down when I notice myself worrying about it and then decide not to worry really sound worth a try. Thank you!!!!

I am an anxious type too...with me it's worrying that I am "too different" to other people...never seem to be able to fit into normal society.

Its always been this way and as a result of trying to squeeze into a mould that doesn't fit, I got very stressed and kept comparing my choices to other people's in an effort to justify them...in the end I accepeted that I am not the same as most people...weird job, odd hobbies, unusual lifestyle....due to job...I just about manange to stop myself comparing these days, but it's hard! Especially when you feel responsible for your DCs to!

...I can even get into the "I'm too different and don't fit in" because everyone else is relaxed and self confident - but it's the attempt to justify yourself against some kind of "judgement" that you imagine that other people are making which is so exhausting and unnecessary. That gives me a lot of hope that you are (generally) managing to accept that you do things your way... it's great to hear about someone else's experiences.

I find that a lot of it has come from my Mum who was/is very keen on "doing the right thing"...she stressed me out as a kid over certain things...maybe your Mum was/is anxious?

I must only write this sentence and do some work as I'm so lazy. I truely beleive i have Jewish blood as I worry so much. BUT.... everything you do with your child will build charcter (the fact I can't spell will have DS looking at the sky) When you get like this, as I often do, work very hard a a job to take your mind off it. It will soon pass. If you are prefect then it might be wrose for your child as they could never live up to your example. Show them you are human and not perfect then they (I hope) will come home for a cuddle when things don't work out for them in RL even when they are 30 yrs old.
You are her Mum of course its natural that you want to take care of her. Go on carry-on with effection!
Now I must do some work (that was more than a sentence!

Did I spell that badly subconsciously? Sorry I am normally better than that just must dash!

simic where did this come from do you think?

Were you anxious as a child? Were your parents hard to please?

I think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would really help you.

I had it recently for anxiety and it helped me so much.

It makes you really understand why you are doing certain things and how to change/deal with it.

One thing that was explained to me was brilliant.

A balanced person would have 3 sections to them, so imagine 3 circles one above the other. Imagine these sections are the voices within your own head.

The fisrt section/voice is the child within. One half is the fun, fufilled happy child and the other half is the Fake child.
The fake child is the one who is anxious, trying to please so not being true to themselves or what they want.

The next section up is the adult voice so they are kind of like a teachers voice or sensible reasoning voice.

The third, top circle is the parent voice within.
One half is the nurturing parent and the other is the critical parent.

So imagine this scenario - you are in the kitchen making toast, kids screaming in the livingroom and you burn the toast - which voice is prevalent - nurturing - Oh dear, well no wonder poor you, what a morning you are having just start again.
Or critical voice - Oh you twat you can't even make bloody toast?

Apparently the fake child feeds the critical parent and the critical parent feeds the fake child so you are critisising yourself and not being true to yourself or what you really want from life. Always trying to please.

I don't know if that helps at all but it's good to know why you are doing this and maybe try to be a little kinder to yourself. x

Thanks very much for all this advice everyone. ForMashgetSmash, I have to think a bit about my mum. It's not easy to judge - I think I have to spend a bit of time thinking through my memories.
That all sounds very helpful, Sneakapeak. I'm going to have to start looking into all this. But, I think Nuttybear has a good point too - that it wouldn't be helpful for our children if we were perfect!