Attachment parenting and starting playgroup or nursery for the first time

[nappyaddict]

The theory is that because all of the early closeness needs have been met they are confident, happy and secure to go on and explore new things on their own. One example being that they won't cry when first left at playgroup or nursery. Was this true for you or not?

Watching with interest. Was just about to start a similar thread :)

DS is 3.10 and has been at nursery since January. I'd say he took about 3 weeks to settle him in properly and now I'm lucky if I get a kiss goodbye as he's so eager to get in the door!

We've always co-slept mainly because it suited us (I'm a lone parent with a big bed and breast fed until..well, he still has the very occasional feed in the morning when he wakes up) but he's still in my bed now because he still hasn't got his own room yet.

He's a very loving but fairly independent little chap (not clingy at all but loves cuddles) and I hope it's partly because he feels safe and not worried that I won't be there for him.

How did you settle him in? Were the nursery happy for you to stay with him or did you have to leave him crying?

Whilst I did not deliberately use any particular method, I more or less spent the first few years holding dd and always let her come into our bed if she wanted to. She was still clingy at 2, still clingy at 3 and quite an anxious child for many years. Basically, I think you can encourage and help your children, but not completely change their personality. Dd is anxious because that's who she is; I can see my mum in her: nervous, sensitive, but also highly intelligent and creative.

BS theory in my experience, OP.

How long did your child cry for ragged?

Mine had her last panic attacks in Year 8. So far...

How AP do you have to be to qualify as AP? How purist do you have to be to get the full (supposed) effect?

FWIW: With all DC we did things like co-sleep full time until past 2.5yo with most DC, 100% breastfed, babywear when practical, never believed in merits of crying. But also tried CC with DS1 for about a year (age 11-23 months).

Results:
DS1: started nursery age 9 months, cried solidly for an hour each time for first month (the nursery unhelpfully had a staff change the day he started so he was with strangers). Then he settled fine for 9 months, then he cried loads for 2 years (he was bored and wanted mummy). Then he settled easily at other preschools; ran into first day of school without looking back even though he knew none of his classmates and had barely met his teacher.

DD-started trying preschool when she was 2.5yo, she went to childminder fine before that: Fussed and unhappy and usually crying all the way until October of Reception (she wanted to stay with mummy). The preschool made special rules for her (what she was allowed to play with) because she wouldn't settle otherwise. (She's now my confident and outgoing child, btw!)

DS-started preschool at almost 2.5yo, went to childminder fine before that: Cried 10 minutes the first 3 times and settled easily every time thereafter. But hated school and took weeks to settle into reception.

DS-now 33 months: Not yet started nursery, I expect him to be a nightmare. He hates new situations. I tried him with a childminder for 7 hours (over 4 sessions) at age 15 months. Most of that time he was asleep; she asked to discontinue the arrangement as he spent all his waking time screaming inconsolably.

I humbly submit that personality counts for a lot in how well the separate from you, as much as anything else. My least AP-raised child is most confident in new situations and with new people.

Agree with ragged. I have known children who have been attachment parented and others who have been reared with the almost completely oppposite approach (ff, kept in car seat, never allowed in parental bed) and I really have never been able to see any correlation between the method and that particular child. Or even always between a child at one age and the same child at a later age. Some of the most confident children in our toddler group were ff and strictly sleep trained- but I am sure that was pure coincidence, no doubt they would have been just as confident by any other method.

A child is not a piece of clay that you can mould into one particular personality, but a person whom you can help to make the best of whatever personality they've got.

In the case of my dcs, they have inherited a high degree of sensitivity from their maternal grandmother and an equally high degree of sociability from their paternal grandmother. Makes for an interesting mix; you never know which side is going to come out top in any particular situation.

Totally agree with ragged and cory. We, for want of a better words, are attachment parenting. Our son (2.9) has been in nursery for 2 days a week since he was 10 months old. He is sociable and confident - always has been, and he mostly loves nursery, but there are some days when he is clingy and some days when he runs off without a backward glance. It depends what he is going through and how he is feeling.