Nursery angst

[tingelingle]

Hope this is the right topic to post in.

For the past month I have been trying to settle my DD into nursery. I would like her to attend 3 afternoons a week. Instead of it getting easier with each visit, she seems to be getting more and more traumatised. Today, we didn't make it out of the door and I'm seriously questioning whether this is the right choice for her. When I have left her there for a couple of hours, she has apparently stopped crying very soon after I've left and is starting to join in. But the getting her there is becoming emotionally harder and harder (for me at least). She is a lovely chatty little girl but even at playgroups she likes to stay very close to me so I can only guess at what stress she is under when I leave her alone.

This should be a simple decision as I'm a SAHM so I'm very lucky that I don't have to send her. But I am expecting twins in a couple of months and I wanted to settle her into nursery for both our sakes. I think it'll be good for her, when the house is full of tiny babies, to have children her own age to stimulate her. And it will give me a chance to rest - I struggled with depression due to sleep deprivation when my DD arrived.

So, within that context, what would you do? Or what did you do? Will she settle down, was your DC like her? Maybe she's tougher than I think and I'm just a big softy.

It's too late to try alternatives like childminders and family aren't able to help. Friends are being great but I can't put on them endlessly. I feel very trapped by this. I don't want her to go but I'm not sure how else I will cope.

You don't say how old your DD is but here's my experience. DS was nearly 1 when I went back to work three days a week with him in my lovely work nursery. Settling in was hell and I spent a month drafting my resignation letter in my head.

It did get much better after a month but I would say it took nearer three months for him to be totally settled and actually enjoying it. It was a horrible time and I doubted myself constantly. However I knew deep down that the nursery was a great place and that that wasn't the issue it was about him getting use to being away from me. He really did end up loving it and has gained so much from his time there.

It sounds like you could really do with the time if you are having twins and I think you are right in that the stimulation and company will be good for her (I'm 37 weeks with DC2 and am very glad DS is still at nursery despite me being on leave because life with me must be very dull at the moment). I would say hang in there, try not to show her your anxieties about leaving her and it will improve soon. Good luck

I am a SAHM and sent DD to nursery 2 days a week from when she was 16 months old.

DS had gone from 1 year old when I returned to work and loved it from the moment he stepped in the door. I had assumed that DD would be the same.

No chance! The first two settling in sessions were OK. In fact, she didn't want to come home after the second one. But the last one was a disaster. We had gone to see a friends new house after school drop off. She ended up bashing her chin when we were leaving and was in tears. She was tired and hungry when she got there. And just screamed. She refused to eat anything, and when I collected her a couple of hours later she was in a real state.

The first month of her going properly was awful. As soon as we went up the drive she went rigid and refused to get out the buggy. When I did get her out and into the hallway she held onto me for dear life and screamed. Luckily her key worker is lovely and managed to build up a good relationship with her very quickly so if she is there, DD will happily leave me. If she isn't we will still get tears. She does not eat more than a handful of raisins while she is there (7 hours!) but she is enjoying it and joining in. She has been going 2 months now and it is getting easier.

I need the time to myself, to do housework, go swimming, just read a book. I don't have the excuse of twins! But I would say, keep going. She will get better. It will giver her social skills and allow her to do the messy play you can't face at home.

Good luck!

Thank you both, your posts have really helped calm me down. And as I type I've just heard DD telling her Daddy that a favourite jigsaw puzzle was bought by 'Lindsay, Daddy, she at nursery'. I'm going to take her tomorrow and go from there. I think establishing who her key worker is will be very important.

She's 2 and a bit by the way Pedro. Good luck with DC2, hope everything goes really well for you.

My DS like to take a toy with him to show everyone, and a snack which he picks. We have the picking just before he leaves and it really helps to get him out of the door. He still has mornings he says he doesn't want to go and he's been going for 2 years. I know he loves it when he's there because he won't come home and constantly talks about his friends.

DC know how to push buttons!

My nursery take lots of photos and if the dc looks sad when leaving, they will take video clips of them having fun later. If your nursery hasn't got a camera could you leave yours with them? Made me feel much better when I saw ds having a good time without me.

Good luck with nursery and even better luck with the babies.

It will get better. I had this exact problem with ds (2yrs) I started him in nursery in July as dd was due September and I thought it would be something nice for him to do away from the baby. He loved the settling in session and was so excited to be going to 'big nursery' but after the first few sessions he got worse and worse. He'd cry before leaving home,all the way to nursery and then I'd come out and sit in the car sobbing because I'd left him! The turning point came after a chat with the nursery manager-she took some photos of ds after I'd gone,before this they'd told me he was fine but until I actually saw him playing happily in the photos I didn't believe it! Could your nursery do this? It gave me a lot more confidence in leaving him and things have improved no end. He still occasionally says he doesn't want to go when we leave home (but he also does that for playgroup,the park, granny's etc) once we're there he runs in and has a great time. He even cried last week when I collected him as he wanted to stay for lunch! Your doing the right thing,with twins your going to need that time without a toddler to chase round after. It will get easier

My dd starting to to nursery for two mornings about 5 months ago, she was fine for the first 3-4 weeks then started realy getting upset. This went on for about a month. It was horrible. They told me that within mins she was fine and that it is quite normal for them to go throuhg this. My dd had only ever been with me or my mum. She is now 2.6.

Did you have any settling in sessions where you stayed with her?

I choose morning sessions that that when my mum picks her up it is easier than her granny leaving her there iyswim. Maybe she would be better in the morning?

Ive worked in several nurseries and trained in many more .....Ive never met a child yet who didnt settle in .....eventually!!,.

Its hard as a child not understanding a routine not quite knowing what days are nursery days what days are home days,theres lots of things going on at home Mummy is getting bigger new things are arriving and soon new siblings will be here - its a lot for a child to understand.

She will get there I promise.

A key worker that you feel you can talk to is an asset she will reassure you and give you the chance to hand over to the same person -its a common ground.

I think giving your dd subtle hints about nursery such as ohhh thats a pretty flower shall we take it to show xxxxx at nursery tomorrow? ohhhh look theres a frog picture thats on your peg isnt it at nursery? tell Granny about xxxxxx at nursery and isnt she silly?

Bringing nursery into the home and vice versa will help.

Also shes your baby and perhaps you are feeling she is 'having' to grow up?? and you are guilt tripping.

.

Lol - hormones. Course not, what with two babies in there I'm perfectly balanced

Well I made 'the drop' today and she was in floods and I said I'd bring her choc buttons back (so now guilt tripping about the inevitable problems she'll have in adulthood with food as a comforter....). Phoned my DH from car 'it was awwwwwwwwwwwwwwful, how can I do this blah blah'. Got a voicemail whilst I was on the phone to say she was playing happily.

She'll be fine. She'll be fine. She'll be fine. I'll be a nutter but that's parenthood.

Mardybum - I did a month of settling sessions with her. She was fine whilst I stayed! Morning probably would be easier as she'd be less tired but afternoons are the hardest part of the day when I'm tired so I chose this time so I could have a nap. Also didn't want to stop our activities, which are all mornings. Will see how it goes though.

Thanks for all the advice and support. Good tips about photos / video and also about bringing things into nursery.

She'll be fine

Stick with afternoons - you'll find it a nightmare getting out in the morning (or that should be I did!) - I used to get to nursery for 10.30 - 11ish, get home for a tea and then have to go and pick him up. May be you'll be more organised!

And you are completely right - she'll be fine

Just to add - your DD is at a peak age for separation anxiety, so this is completely normal. Chances are she'd be throwing wobblies at home too if you spent more than 10 mins in the kitchen. It passes, and a good nursery will know how to manage it and encourage her to be happy and independent without stress.

My DDs were both in nursery from 6 months - this was prior to the long maternity leave people can get nowadays . They both settled in fabulously and both had wobbly periods at about 9 months and again just around age 2 - these are developmental stages that can't really be avoided. You sound like a lovely mum and your nursery sounds fine. Your DD will soon appreciate her time in nursery - you can pitch it as something that she doesn't have to share with the new babies!

Pointythings - you make a very good, er, point. I hadn't thought about separation anxiety but she does follow me everywhere at home.

Anyway, after Tuesday's trauma, Wednesday wasn't bad, Thursday's drop off was tear free and she's been a bundle of lovely, mad energy all day, before and after nursery. I think I'll cancel her appointment with the child psychologist, no long term damage apparent!

Thanks again all. She's fine!

It may help to know this.

I really wished i has put DS into a nursery before DD came along as it was so hard for both of us.

Sleep deprivation and a demanding baby with reflux made me a rather crap mummy to my 2.5 yr old DS at the time.

It was fine after a while but even for the first 3 months I don't think you should feel too guilty, I think it's a good idea. Your doing the right thing IMO.

Just to conclude this, my DD is now asking (demanding) me to take her to nursery. Cheers everyone!