Fiancee with post natal depression

[dwaff]

To brief, my fiancee uses Mumsnet sometimes so has told me a bit about it, but I don't know if I'm in the right section for this topic. Since our little girl was born she has been up and down like a rollercoaster. At first she was very down but she promised it was just because she was ill (complications with pregnancy and birth). When she started to recover, she seemed in high spirits for a month or two. But now our baby is almost 6 months and in the past month she's become more unhappy every day. She's not sleeping, she doesn't have much of an apetite and she can be really short-tempered and snaps a lot. She doesn't seem to get any pleasure from being a mum and is quick to hand our daughter to me the second I get home from work and sign off parenting duty. She cries a lot and I'm really worried about her. She knows there's a problem, but she says she doesn't feel like there's a point in talking to me about it because there's nothing I can say that she won't have thought about. She's very intelligent and this makes her stubborn because she thinks if she can't help herself, nobody can. So she's refusing to go to the doctor or for counselling, and won't really talk to me about it either. I just want to know what I can do to help her, or if there's a way I can convince her to accept help from a doctor.

What a horrible situation. IIWY, i would repost this in the health section. You may get some more answers.

I think you should call the health visitor and take a day off to speak to her in front of your wife - i think by the sounds of it you need to force the issue.

but i am no expert - i hope someone else can help

Thanks for the replies. I've tried posting about it in the health section. Hopefully I can find some way of helping her, but I'm worried about taking matters into my own hands and speaking to someone about it without her consent as I don't know if she would forgive me...

im sure it will be a tough road but i think if she is that bad you have no choice butt o speak to someone

Your DF sounds like me after I had had our son. At about 6 months the PND really did kick off. I hated him at the time as he went behind my back and called the Dr. I hated him because we ended up with two HV's sat in my living room talking to him but not to me. I hated him when the psychiatrist was called to assess me for sectioning.

BUT (big but) he did the right thing. I was not in the right frame of mind to get help. I couldn't face leaving the house and just sat and cried all day. I even cried on the phone to the Samaritans as I had no one else to talk to - they hung up. I felt like s**t. He helped me. It took me about three months to get clear of the fog and the anti-depressants to kick in.

DS is now 5 and the loveliest little boy in the world. We went on to have DD who is 18 months and a little madam!

She will probably hate you at the time and you will think you are doing the wrong thing - but please call your Dr or her HV.

She is lucky to have you and will realise this when this passes. Good luck.

dwaff - I agree that you have to force the issue. You;re perhaps right that she won't forgive you straight away, but after she has had the help that she needs and come out the other side, she will realise that you quite literally saved her and she will love you even more for forcing her to get the help she needs.

Please don't leave this as it will not get better on its own.

Does she have a mother she's close to? Could you enlist her help?

Go to see your doctor, explain everything and maybe the doc. will do a home visit. She'll be angry with you while she's feeling like this, but once she's got help and feeling better she'll thank you.

DWAFF- she sounds a little bit like me after I had my ds which makes me feel so sad because it was awful feeling like that.

Looking back now (my ds is 3.3) I feel so sorry that I wasted all that time when I should have been enjoying my baby. My ds was 9 months old by the time I plucked up the courage to speak to my gp.

For me just talking to my gp and being honest about my feelings (not that I'd hidden how I felt-it was blatantly obvious) felt like a cloud had lifted.

I don't know what advise to give but to just be understanding. Speak to your HV.

I have suffered PND, but I was depressed before, so already had coping stratergies in place.
I'd be careful going behind her back, as she needs to trust you. It would help if you can get her to realise she needs help herself.
Would she post on here?

The following links might help either of you:

HOMESTART

CHILDREN'S CENTRES

Oh, as for handing the baby over as soon as you come in, I do that alot too - Its because I haven't even had a chance to pee all day - nobody warns you how relentless looking after a baby is.

Good luck. Its lovely you care.

Thanks for the replies. Sorry I didn't answer immediately, I started a new thread in the mental health section and didn't expect people to carry on answering.

Wannabeglam, she has a mother she's close to, but I can't enlist her help. They both share the view that depression is something you work through on your own, and both think counselling doesn't work and anti-depressants are more hindrance than help. Her mum has spoken to me and is aware that she's got a problem, but is taking the route of babying her. She's decided she's going to start visiting more often and helping take the load off.

Sandychick, thanks for the reply. It's valuable to hear about what helped others. I'm hoping as soon as I get her to accept there's a problem and that people can help her, she'll have plenty of resources to help her recovery. It's just getting her to accept it that's the issue.

FunkyCherry, she does post on here sometimes, but I don't know if she would feel comfortable posting about this. She doesn't even like talking to me about it, but she says things like: "I just want you to listen, I don't want your help". I can't help but instinctively try and give advice or suggestions, and that irritates her so she stops wanting to talk... :(

I always expected she would hand the baby over when I got home, but she seems to completely "switch off" from parenting when I'm around, sometimes she'll even say "I'm off duty now". At weekends I don't think she feeds a single nappy or bottle, and she scrunches her face when I ask her to hold the baby when I go to the toilet or make a phone call. My mum noticed it and mde a few mean comments about it, implying I shouldn't be doing all the parenting on my own. She seems really worried about ME, and wants me to start forcing her to help more in evenings and weekends, but I don't want to make her feel more pressured because I think she just needs one little push and she will leave. Not because she doesn't love us, but because she wishes she wasn't a parent anymore.

I'd just like to add that not to assume that your furnace has PND.

I was just like your fiancé sounds as I said in previous post. I would hand my ds over to dh as soon as he was in from work etc and said I'm off duty etc because i was worn out and struggling. My gp didn't think I had PND but wAs just unhappy and struggling. We tried prozac for 3 weeks but it didn't make a difference.

Dh and I were living away from our family so didn't have any support around us. I found it really hard being on my own all day with ds. I was so tired and worn out that I wasn't able to just enjoy it. I put alot of pressure on myself to do my best. Also, had a traumatic birth and had to stay in hospital for 5 days with ds. I think this was the start of my downward spiral.

Not everyone takes to motherhood like a duck to water

I'm glad you got over it though, it does make me think there's a light at the end of this tunnel, no matter what's wrong with her, be it post natal depression, or anxiety, or just normal depression, or even just struggling with motherhood. Whatever is wrong with her, it's changed her. She used to be lively, almost hyperactive and now she's so down. Her aunt hit the nail right on the head when she said something like she used to have a bright yellow personality but now she's grey. I want her back the way she was :(

OK, PND is a chemical and hormonal problem that needs professional help, and your posts suggest that this is what's wrong with your fiancee. However, sometimes, an unhappy new mum is just lonely and a little shellshocked by how much her world has changed, so if she's really resistant to the idea of doctors and isn;t at the stage of self-harming or neglecting the baby, it might be worth trying to get her to go along to baby groups. However, if she's showing other symptoms of depression such as not eating, not sleeping, not washing or getting dressed, then TBH you do probably need to go behind her back and get the doctor involved.

No matter what it is there's no point poking around in the dark and trying different solutions. She needs to be assessed before anyone can do anything constructive. I would really be inclined to force the issue and have her assessed -- maybe the HV is the initial way to go here. It's a pity there seem to be people passing judgement on her (especially a shame about her mother and the 'tough it out' attitude to depression, and sad to hear your mum is not too patient with her either. Hopefully she will understand you are on her side.