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Original poster

My ds said I was a horrid mummy [sad]

25 replies

wishiwas21again · 01/11/2010 21:50

I have just started reading Roald Dahl to my ds (4.5)

He loves it and as a sensitive and emotionally intelligent wee boy he has been struck by the concept of adults/parents who are mean to children.

We were having a chat before bed and discussing our next read - George's Marvellous Medicine when he asked if some mummies and daddies are horrible to their kids. I am afraid I just tell the truth (I grew up in an abusive home) to some extent so I said yes unfortunately they are

He then said you are a horrible mummy to me and my sister sometimes. I was taken aback as it was a lovely close moment but I didn't over react and asked calmly 'in what way?'

He said when I tell them off, so I explained that I do that sometimes to show them the correct way to behave. By horrid parents I mean those that don't love their children but that I loved him dearly.

I feel a bit as I know I can be shouty sometimes and this morning I grabbed dd arm and shouted at her because she was ripping books. However this doesn't happen often and generally we have fun.

Am I reading too much into this? I really did hate my parents and I can't bear to think my ds thinks that of me . We finished with him declaring that some people don't have mummies and daddies and I said everyone has a mum and dad but not everyone's look after them and live with them.

He said it would be scary if we lived somewhere else and I said that would never happen, we love him too dearly. He seemed happy enough and said 'night,night mummy' and shut his eyes and went to sleep.

Is he just going through an emotional development phase about parental love? Did I say the wrong things or too much?

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NeverendingStoryteller · 01/11/2010 21:55

Mine have said similar things to me - I have reminded them that only parents who love their children take the time to discipline them - if I didn't care, I wouldn't care how they turned out.

It sounds like your history is tinting your view of this situation - I bet your kids know very well how much you love them Sounds to me like you did exactly the right thing.

cory · 01/11/2010 21:59

You are just reading too much into it. YOu handled it very well and he seems to know he is loved.

satine · 01/11/2010 22:02

My daughter writes me notes saying "I heyt you" (hate) when she's really furious about something. It's hurtful but I try to remember that I'm the grown up, and it's just her temper talking. when she calms down, she always says sorry, and that she doesn't mean it.

As long as they know you love them, and you obviously do, then try not to worry too much. We're all human, and I think it's healthy for children to learn that we all get cross from time to time so don't be too hard on yourself for disciplining them.

If we let our children 'design' their ideal world, they'd eat nothing but sweets, and would never hear the word 'no'!!

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MollieO · 01/11/2010 22:03

Ds says this to me on a pretty regular basis. I've told him he can move out when he is 18. 12 more years to go... .

Original poster

wishiwas21again · 01/11/2010 22:05

Thanks - I do get sensitive about this kind of thing because of my background. I have had counselling and dealt with it but I think the fear of being anything like my parents still lives with me. It is actually the first time I have read Roald Dahl and I know it is children's literature but his observations about characters and particularly how adults can bully children is so well done

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Original poster

wishiwas21again · 01/11/2010 22:06

ha!ha! satine indeed - nothing but sweets and carnage

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Grumpla · 01/11/2010 22:08

Surely the fact that he asked you whether it is true that there is such a thing as a horrible mummy, proves that you are not a horrible mummy?

It sounds as though he is interested in the idea precisely because it is so different to his own experience. He's looking for parallels (e.g. the way he feels when you tell him off) as a way of making sense of it in his head.

Your reaction to this was to tell him that you love him dearly. You sound like a great mum to me!

And I wish I had someone to read Roald Dahl stories to me right now :)

MarsLady · 01/11/2010 22:09

They all go through this is some fashion or other.

I remember DD1 made me a little book. It was called 10 things I love about you. Half way through there was another page called 10 things you can improve.

PMSL!!!!!!!!!

Bingtata · 01/11/2010 22:09

If being verbally told off is the only thing he can think of for a horrible mummy to do then you are doing a fantastic job.

DD is the same age as your DS and she tells me that I am a very cross mummy. Apparently this is because I don't let her buy sweets or build a bear clothes whenever we are at the shops.

If it is any consolation, we have just finished The Twits and DD called DH up to say goodnight by calling him a 'smelly old nasty twit'.

activate · 01/11/2010 22:11

you are way over-thinking it

and kids see weaknesses / sensitivities like this and totally manipulate them when they want to or feel the need to - you need to toughen up despite your family history

you know you love him and you are the best parent you can be so the words "stop being silly" should be useful

arfasleep · 01/11/2010 22:12

My DS has said that to me too, also 'you can go and live somewhere else, mummy' cheeky little brat, but usually after I've been quite firm about something. Don't take it to heart, he doesn't mean it.

BeerTricksPotter · 01/11/2010 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabeglam · 01/11/2010 22:31

Of course he thinks you're horrible sometimes, you're his mum and you have to correct him sometimes. If you were always his 'best friend' you wouldn't be doing your job.

You dealt with it really well - another example of your good parenting.

Give yourself a pat on the back.

Roo83 · 01/11/2010 22:42

My ds is only 2.5yrs but has told me on a few occasions 'you really are stupid horrid mummy' after I've refused to let him have/do something. We were having a lovely cuddle the other day and he said 'i want to live somewhere else mummy' a bit taken aback I asked where, 'with my best friend the big bad wolf mummy' he replied. A little shocked he'd rather live with a wolf than me, but hey, that's kids I think!

AngelDog · 01/11/2010 22:56

Agree with everything wannabeglam said.

Original poster

wishiwas21again · 01/11/2010 22:56

Yes I am way over thinking it I see that now - this is why mumsnet is great!

I thought Grumpla put it really well, that he is trying to equate 'horrible parents' with things in his own life.

A good mum probably needs to be disliked at times. In fact someone on mumsnet once said that they are not here to be liked but to raise decent human beings - probably got a point!

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galletti · 01/11/2010 23:04

Don't worry at all - my dd is ten going on eleven, and I am told "You are mean Mummy"! Usually involving homework, bedtimes, or requests for sweeties, regularly. But you know, it is interspersed with a lot of love, hugs and cuddles. I now say I am not doing these things for me, or daddy, I'm doing them for you, sweetheart, and ok, a few years to go for you, but it is beginning to sink in! (hopeful emoticon).

LRB978 · 01/11/2010 23:24

wish, one other thing I thought to that which has already been pointed out:

Would you have dared tell your parents they were horrible, or mean, or nasty or anything like that?

My gut feeling is there is no way you would have said so. And that in itself should show you how safe your son feels around you. He feels safe enough to tell you how he feels. And that is a good sign.

flaime · 02/11/2010 11:23

My DS used to say he was going to take me back to the mummy shop and swap me when I told him off. Luckily he also likes giving me big hugs and telling me that I'm stuck with him so maybe he's not taking me down there just yet

Menagerie · 02/11/2010 11:51

LRB978 said what I was about to. I'd never have dared speak to my parents like that, for fear their response would have been absolute. It's proof they trust you and trust that you love them enough to cope with hearing it. They really wouldn't dare otherwise.

Mars - LOL at your DD's book. What did you need to improve on?

Wish - 'sweets & carnage' - what a great phrase. Sounds like our half term.

Original poster

wishiwas21again · 02/11/2010 13:10

Thanks guys feeling better today, although having a tough one because because ds up at 5am and dd not well.

I am not generally shouty but I did shout this morning really loudly when he took a toy off dd which meant she wouldn't lie still to have nappy changed. He said he didn't love me anymore - come to think of it he has been saying things like that more but I think it is developmental as well and he has just started pre school. I am tired at the moment and kids have been ill so trying not to be too hard on myself.

LRB978 - excellent point. I would not have said those things to my parents on fear that they felt the same way. It turns out they did and when I stood up to my bullying, abusive adoptive father he cut me out of his life . I knew as a kid that he didn't really love me and that is why I could not express my feelings, I didn't feel secure enough to do that.

I always encourage my ds to express himself and try to give him words for his feelings so that he can make sense of them. When he said he didn't love me, I said well I love you very much but I suspect you are angry with me. It is normal to get angry with someone but still love them. Gosh we seem to be having deep conversations!

He also said I was going to get the shrinks like the Twits

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HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/11/2010 13:14

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. They all say some terrible stuff to us!

ds1 says

I am the worst mum in the world
I am the worst mum in the universe
I don't love him
I hate him
I want him to have a sad life
I never want him to have any fun

oh, and he told my mum I make him hold nettles

Don't take any of it personally. I just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, I love you very much."

wonderstuff · 02/11/2010 13:25

They always say these things when you are least able to deal with them don't they. We get in situations were I am tired so dd is naughty, I get cross, and she comes out with something cutting. We moved when I was just pg with dc2 and she kept telling me she wantedto go back to our old house because mummy didn't have a baby in her tummy there she will also tell me how she likes daddy better - and she will tell dh she prefers me.

Yesterday she said I was lovely (so was the cat and the door and the bus driver.. )

Grumpla · 02/11/2010 19:50

Glad you're feeling better today :)

I think your tactics are great, I am making mental notes!

DS not at the proper talking stage yet, but I lived with my friend and her then-5YO DS several years ago and was always amazed by how well the 'I HATE you!' 'Well, I really LOVE you' thing worked. It sounds like you are doing an ace job, especially given the fact that your own parents didn't.

anonymousbird · 02/11/2010 19:58

I see why you are sensitive, but try not to be. It's just something he is learning and exploring and kids are so black and white. If you aren't being "lovely" mummy (which it sounds like you are BTW) for a few moments when you are disciplining or whatever, then they will simply see it as, in his words, "horrid" for want of a better word.

Don't worry, his emotions will develop and he will differentiate these things better.

And anyway, I suppose, just like any 4yo, he wears his heart on his sleeve and at least he was completely open with you!!!! Be thankful for that! Something to be encouraged....

I think you have nothing whatsoever to worry about.

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