My ds(12) still struggling with no longer being an only one-dd is 8!

[Schroeder]

He seems to blame her for everything, he talks wistfully of the time before she was born I'm sure he can barely remember it.

We had dd in order to keep our perfect 1st born son company ffs. I wish he would just get over it. Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

You say that you had your DD in order to keep your perfect 1st born son company? That is quite a loaded statement, like he should be grateful that you provided him with a sibling, when perhaps he just isn't?

My dd is a little like this, she's 6 and dd2 is two. I think the four year age gap is a bad one to be honest. I talk to other parents and their age gaps seem to work much better. Sorry, have no advice, but hope it improves.

Suggest you buy and read "siblings without rivalry" pronto.

My "easiest" gap is def the 14 month one, I think after the first week she didn't remember her little sister not being there!

I don't think he should be grateful just not angry about it 8 years later.
When he was little we weren't sure we could love another baby, but we thought that it was better to have 2 children so ds wouldn't be spoiled and wouldn't grow up alone.

I've heard that, if you have an age gap of less than 18m, the older one doesn't really remember a time when the younger one wasn't there. Why did we wait four years?! It didn't even make the great financial savings we thought it would.

Well, if it's any help, my middle sister and I used to spend a lot of time agreeing that life would have been much better without our younger sister - because then we would have got more cake and not have had to listen to her practising the bloody violin (still have sympathy with that point of view). I think that 4 years is a big age gap at that age, and you can't really expect them to have much in common till they're older. It does settle down eventually.

Having read a wee bit of Sibling without Rivalry, it's amazing how just the most innocent of comments from their parents can do alot of damage.

Saying that, it's hard to say and do the right thing all of the time.

Have a read of the book (if I ever get time I will finish it) and maybe some of the tips will help.

Yes, because only children do grow up spoiled and alone He might not like his sister, maybe you should get over it?

Stick it up your arse Bingtata (the chip on your shoulder that is)

Sorry, I'm not sure what exactly offended you, I only used the same language you used - you said your son should just get over it, yet he is 12 and you are an adult, I was only suggesting that it might be easier for you to get over it.

I too am sorry if I took what you said the wrong way.

I have come across plenty of venom on this site aimed at people (like me) who made a personal choice to have 2 children believing it would benefit them to have company and someone to share their childhood memories with when they are old.

We also believed that we were in danger of spoiling him as we were so besotted with him when he was tiny.

I love both my children very much and want them to be happy my son however seems hardly ever to be happy and often tells me it is because of his little sister-just the fact of her not what she does,in fact they get on really well most of the time he just seems to be angry at me about her being born.

It is so difficult for me to know he is so unhappy because of something we did in order to make him happy IYKWIM.

Again, I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot. Just to give my side of the story, I have DD she is 4 and so we are at the point where you were when you had your second child and believe me, it is something we have discussed doing too but decided against (so no venom from me, just a reactive raised eyebrown at the thought of my DD being thought of as spoiled and alone). One of the reasons we have decided against it is because I would find it really difficult in your situation.

You didn't make him unhappy, honestly. It is what it is. What I was very clumsily saying was perhaps you need to be able to hear and accept his feelings about his sister before he is able to let go of them. At 12 he can pinpoint it all on her because it gets a reaction from you, subconscious or otherwise. In other words, he can't get over it until you do, but I admit I worded it badly (I was alittle stung by the only child thing, I get alot of comments).

Sorry again if I upset you.