anger management - feel like I'm losing it

[vmcd28]

OK, deep breath.
I'm currently 36w pg with DS2. I am getting a C section in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am struggling to hold it together with DS1. Now, some of it is the way he behaves, and some of it is that I am struggling emotionally with everything at the moment. I know I expect too much of him sometimes.

Anyway, he is 5y 7m, and started school in August. He loves school so much, BUT it turns him into a monster. Nearly every evening turns into him huffing, stamping, screeching, shouting about how nothing's fair in his life, etc etc etc. I KNOW it's because he's exhausted - he's been like this since he was tiny. We try to ignore these outbursts, and just encourage what we do want him to do. Weve also tried timeout. I am certain it's cos he's not getting enough sleep, but he wakes up at 7am when DH gets up, and he usually cant get to bed before 8pm, for various reasons.

Anyway, this morning, my DH went to work, leaving DS getting dressed (as normal). I usually have an extra 20 mins in bed before getting DS's schoolbag etc sorted out, and waiting for his lift to school.
This morning, DS came into my room moaning that the TV wasnt working. I said to him that I had been asleep, and he shouldnt be waking me up for something like TV, and also that he shouldnt be getting so upset about the TV, etc etc. SO he stormed out, went to his room and sobbed about the TV. I could then hear, "I wish I was someone else!" etc.
I got up, went to his room, to discover he wasnt even dressed for school (which he should be by then), so I wiped his tears and helped him get ready. He started going on about the TV again, and how he's "a RUBBISH kid who cant even fix the TV" and other stuff like this. NOW, here's the problem. I flew off the handle. I was already tense at the way things were heading, and I was feeling very teary and emotional already. (and after this kind of stuff every single schoolnight, I just dont have the energy for it at times).
I was putting his tie on for him, and trying to explain why this kind of behaviour wasnt great, that he was behaving like a baby getting upset over the TV, etc. And then..........I smacked him.
Yes, I know.
The whole situation ended up with us both in tears, and DS shouting "owwwwwwwww" which made me feel worse.
Now, I have to say I'm not totally against a smack, but I am against it in this type of situation - ie when it's because I was so angry I just couldnt keep it in.

Does anyone have any advice? I can give more info about various things that anyone thinks might be relevant.

When my DS has had a good, proper sleep, he is wonderful, loving, caring, and so great. I am just scared that situations like this morning are ruining him and me (and our relationship) and making him scared of me. This is the last thing I want, but I just couldnt seem to stop myself going absolutely crazy this morning.

Please help!

Don't know how to help you to control your anger I'm afraid. I'd say you need more sleep but at this stage of pregnancy that's hard. Hopefully someone will come up with a few pearls of wisdom because life will be harder for a while once the baby is born.

I have a 6 year gap and my son was REALLY anxious about the baby coming. His behaviour was awful and one day he blurted out all his worries. It was a really long list which included he thought I wouldn't have enough love for him too, he would never see me because I'd be with the baby, the baby would ruin his toys, the baby would be sick on him, and the big one...that I would die having the baby.

He instantly fell in love with the baby (who brought him a wii!) and time showed him that his worries were unfounded. But he did suffer a lack of attention and for a while he did a lot of attention-seeking behaviour.

Your son probably has a lot of his own worries.

I know you need your sleep (boy do I know!) but I think he's very young to be left to get on with getting ready without any cajoling (I find races help). Maybe try to look at situations and see if he's being 'set up' to 'fail'. He's probably resentful that you're in bed. He's very young and doesn't understand.

Also, maybe cancel whatever he's doing that keeps him up till 8pm so he gets more sleep and can cope with the changes in his life he's undergoing/anticipating. It's a huge change. Older children can get very stressed without articulating it. My hairdresser had an 8 year gap and her daughter's hair fell out she was so stressed, but never said anything.

Why don't you write down here what you're struggling with emotionally - writing it down in itself might help and you'll get responses that might help too.

I agree with Wannabeglam, he is very young to be getting himself ready on his own and taking your sleep into consideration.

I don't mean to sound harsh honestly but once the baby is born you will no doubt be attending it all hours of the day and night. How will that look to your DS?

Even if you were just awake and chatting with him about his day while he got dressed would maybe help?

Also he might not then be so difficult in the evening, that could be down to attention seeking possibly? I don't know, I am trying to help so I hope I don't sound critical.

I would not beat yourself up about the smack, many of us have done it in the heat of the moment and felt bloody awful afterwards. Just tell him you're sorry, I think seeing adults can be wrong and say sorry for it is a really powerful lesson for children.

Good luck with the new baby too!

He is too young to be getting up by himself-he needs guidance and company. You can always go back to bed when he has gone to sechool.
If you recognise that you expect too much of him, now would be a good time to see how to change that, before you have less time to yourself and are even more tired.
Yes, he was getting upset re the tv, but perhaps he feels he should be able to sort it if he feels you think he should.
He probably is anxious re the new baby and senses that you are tired and have less patience at the moment.
Grit your teeth, and accept that school mornings are fraught for most parents and dc as are bedtimes. He is probably more tired now at school, but hopefully as he gets used to the routine, his body will adjust.
Be kind to yourself and your ds and enjoy these last few weeks just you and him.

He's five, not fifteen, he shouldn't be getting dressed on his own in his room while you stay in bed, and you shouldn't be berating him for waking you up with his problems when it's past 7am and there isn't a conscious adult in the house!

You need to get up and deal with him. All this could have been avoided if you'd been out of bed when his dad went to work.

What is so important as to keep an exhausted 5 year old out of bed at night?

PS I know what it's like when you're pregnant, but as someone else has said, you can go back to bed when he's gone to school. You need to be there for him.

With his dad just gone to work, and you unconscious in bed, he must have felt a bit alone and rather abandoned.

I agree with everyone else. A five year old trying to get himself dressed on his own, and then being told not to wake mummy up for help (albeit with the TV, but if that's part of his morning routine it's important to him) makes me sad.

He's calling himself rubbish and saying he wishes he was someone else. Poor little boy.

If your DS is saying he is a rubbish kid for not being able to fix the tv he is expecting too much from himself. He is expecting too much from himself because, most likely, too much is expected from him. He is too young to be alone in the house in the mornings and he is alone if you are asleep.

Sorry if I am not being too kind but you are setting him up for low self-esteem issues if he is expected to be able to handle getting his own uniform on, entertain himself and make sure you get enough sleep. He is not an adult.

I know the exhaustion is relentless but as Bigpants1 said you could get up before DH leaves and go back to bed when DS goes to school.

Okay, it seems the mornings and evenings are flashpoints. Think about what you can do to manage them.

I agree that he should have an adult awake and assisting him with getting ready. Could he come and get dressed in your room while you sit up in bed and wake up? Then you could chat, help with buttons, etc.

Get his schoolbag ready the night before and use the time for something nicer for you both in the mornings (extra round of toast?)

I agree with others that he is probably far more anxious than he can articulate about the baby coming. We have a 6 year age gap and DD was frankly hyper in the month before DS arrived. I had to call on friends & family to help me be with her at times as I was so knackered- but I didn't want to send her off for visits etc because I knew she needed all the security she could get. When DS finally came home, she had a violent crying fit while cuddling him, saying "I can't believe it, he's so lovely" and I saw just how much worry she had been holding on to.

Do you have anyone who can pop round sometimes and help you to be with DS? Just having someone to do a bit of fetching & carrying for half an hour could be a real support.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply. As with most things, a new day and a step back from everything has helped a lot.
You all mentioned that he's too young to get dressed etc on his own. The thing is, he's been getting himself dressed since he was three, and usually won't allow us to help or to sit with him cos he can "do it himself" and doesn't need help. And I mean he's proud to do this, he enjoys showing what he can do. Also, dh says to him most mornings that he could get dressed in my room, but more often than not he stays in his own room.
Can I also clarify again that I am only in bed for the time it takes him to get dressed, and usually I'm half awake anyway. I'm not lying there half comatose and shouting at him like a mental case! When I get up I sort out the ten mins of tv and we have fun choosing a snack for school etc. I don't shove things in his bag and throw him out the door!
I am, however, more than willing to accept that this may be unfair to him, esp if he's anxious about the baby coming, and I appreciate the comments.

colditz and tortures, while I appreciate you replying very much, I did ask for advice and help as I was feeling very upset and emotional, not to be made to feel dreadful. The morning routine was supposed to balance everyone's needs. I can see that this is clearly not working. But it was all being done in good faith, not because I can't be arsed about my son.

Regarding the "late" nights, the main problem was that, three days a week, I was working longer shifts, so that I was still effectively full-time but working fewer days. I had no option with this, and unfortunately it affected the time ds would get to bed. Thankfully I've finished work as of today, so hopefully we can get into a better/earlier routine for a while, starting tonight.

Again, thanks for the replies, it does help to see some things from another perspective. The problem is, when you have a child that likes to do a lot of things for himself, it's not always clear that sometimes he's maybe needing the attention after all
X

Sorry OP but just to confirm all of the above, he really shouldn't be left on his own in the morning, not at, 5, 6, 7 8 etc. I can't imagine being a child, left on my own to get ready.

OK, he may be ABLE to dress himself and so he should but that is a rather lonely situation for a 5 yr old and alot to expect from him.

An anxious child will create an anxious, self critical adult.

He needs more support and someone to really listen to him.

now, in saying that - I can fly off the handle easily and I remember how bad tempered I was at the end of my PG and I really lost it with DS a few times.

It's tough with the new baby too.

I find that when he was doing something extra naughty or just plain annoying, use all that energy to walk out of the room and stay away from him.

Sit/lie down, breathe in for 7 and out for 11, get some perspective ie. He is 5, he is probably anxious, lashing out because of X,Y, Z, he isn't clever enough to be hatching a plan to send me over the edge , it's his only way of venting, getting attention however he can or he is just plain upset about something and the only way he can explain is via the TV not working.

It really is better to walk away before you say something you regret if your feeling that way.

Another example of why not to loose it - Yesterday, baby DD is very sick and has been since Sunday.
Ive been up for 3 nights without sleep. Get DS (3.5) ready for nursery and sick DD all dressed and in car seat with a million layers, hats etc and DS similar, just about to leave, tight for time, DS announces "I have a sore tummy, I need a poo".
My angry, knackered and suspicious mind thinks "yeah right, your just trying to be a pain" I say "ok fine, go but you better not be just saying that".

He strips off (as he does) sits on loo then announces "i don't need a poo".

I go balistic. "Great, now we are late, why do you do these things, why can't you just make life easy for mummy and be good"
Rant rant rant rant all the way to nursery.

As soon as I drop him I feel bad.

Pick him up after, take him to Marks and Spencers and he threw up all over the floor. Yep, he did have a sore tummy, and is now off today with DD's virus, missing his halloween party's etc. .

It's hard to really hear what a child is telling you as they don't have the mind or vocabulary of an adult and we sometimes forget that .

I hope you found that loooong story helpful. I do find the walking away thing works, it gives you time to think.

Good luck with your new arrival. x

I gave you advice! If I'd wanted to make you feel dreadful I'd have tried to make you feel dreadful. I didn't even mention the fact that you hit him as it wasn't really relevant to the root of the problem.

You know, I sometimes think that people have been lulled into believing that Mumsnet is a service, not a forum, and if they don't get the answers they require in the format they prefer, they feel hard done to, cheated, badly treated even.

It's a forum. Most of us are not professional councillers. We do not spend hours concocting posts designed to be both helpful and inoffensive. You asked for advice from the general public when you post on a public notice board - don't be surprised when it's the general public who give you advice.

Colditz, it was the judgemental rather than constructive tone. That's all. Nothing more. The implication that nothing is important enough to prevent a tired child getting to bed, when we're all just doing the best we can.
I didn't actually suggest that I'd expected professional advice from counsellors or that I felt hard done to. These "people" that you're annoyed at on mumsnet are not me at all.
You seem to have taken more offence at what I said than vice versa, which isn't what I intended at all.

I am getting quite generally offended when I am repeatedly chided for not being constructive, when I have actually said some very constructive things that happen not to have 'Hun' plastered onto the end of them like a sparkly sticking plaster over a grazed knee.

And I haven't judged you at all. Your son doesn't sound abused. You don't sound abusive. There is nothing to judge.

Colditz, take a deep breath. I tried to smooth things over.
That was my opinion about what you said to me. Nothing more or less. As you said, rightly, we're all entitled to comment and give opinions. But, again, don't lump me in with "others" and "people" that have clearly irritated you already on mumsnet. I'm not interested in a slagging match at all.

Incidentally, I can't abide the use of the word "hun" in posts either

Sorry. I've heard it a lot lately. There is another thread currently running where the op isn't listening to a word anyone says, preserring to screech at everyone in the manner of vicky pollard instead. It'#s very fresh in my memory.

And that's not you, so I apologise.

(But I wasn't judging you)

:)

Glad you've made up.

Just wanted to say you're obviously a good mum or you wouldn't have come to MN so bravely (I know it's anonymous, but it still takes guts) to request help with your situation.

Hope all goes well for you.

Thank you, wannabe.
The past day or two has been much better. I think we'd got stuck in a weird cycle where I expected him to play up and he expected me to be on edge. As I said, it sometimes just takes an outsider's point of view to get out of that stalemate.
Thanks, all, once again x