I am really struggling with DD, i feel i am doing everything wrong

[AliceandtheGinormousBaps]

DD is very nearly 3, painfully bright and aware (she is constantly outsmarting me) we also have a 10wk DS

Generally DD has been a well behaved, easy child, but with the odd bout of bad/challenging behaviour (screaming for no apparent reason everytime we were in a shop aged 2.4yrs for about 3 weeks, running off all the time aged 2, being very clingy aged 2.8 etc) but recently she has been horrible. Spiteful (mostly to me) snatching toys off children, if she makes someone cry (even by accident) she will carry on with what she is doing because it makes them react iyswim? She has always been nice even when being naughty, no nastiness, so this is new.

I tell her off when she does these things, take her away from the situation etc, but it is becoming more and more constant now and i feel i am constantly 'at her' about something. I don't want to nag. She is starting to argue with everything too and every day is a battle.

I am obviously not dealing with it very well, and i am now getting angry with her out of desperation, feeling out of control of the situation and then feeling really down about it.

How can i improve on my parenting?

It is ALL about the new baby

Be firm, consistent, loving and try to stick to her routine as best you can.

It will pass. (Been there)

Yes agree with mamsnet. We've just come out of it with DD1 (4) who was truly awful to me when DD2 arrived. (now 6 months). All you can do is keep being consistent and give lots of praise and cuddles etc when she is being good.

It will pass.

Ignore as much of the bad behaviour as humanly possible, she's looking for attention and so try and give her as much positive attention as you can. Even things that she normally does, make it relevant so 'you're sitting so quietly' as opposed to 'you're so lovely'. It's not unusual for a three year old not to care about someone else's feelings...that comes much later. If she is more attention seeking when you're with the baby let her help you or read a book to her whilst you're doing it. Give her reponsibilities like fetching a nappy.any violence I would give her one firm warning and then time out/take something away, she's old enough. Don't argue with her, if you say something and she argues just ignore her. So if you say 'bath time' and she says 'no' them scoop her up and put her in the bath.

Make life easy too, nothing wrong with a little TV or bribery!!

I feel as though i am showing myself up a bit you know? If she is being mean to another child i feel that the other parent expects me to discipline her iyswim?

It is like she knows exactly which buttons to press to make me lose it.

One thing i have noticed she has started doing is copying her frends (fine) but only their bad behaviour (not fine) so if some friends come over and they jump on the sofa (because they are allowed at home) i will ask them not to (casually) but DD will fix on that and will jump on the sofas constantly so i am constantly asking her not to. Another friend doesn't stay next to her mum when out and about but runs about, so DD will copy (yes, it looks like fun) but i am not ok with that, so if the friend does something, DD will do it too but take it to the next level and it stresses me out.

We have horses and DD comes out on the yard with me evryday. There are no other children there and she is very well behaved.

It does seem like it is an attention thing, but if i try to do something with her, the response is always "No thanks"

Earlier i just wanted to leave her screaming in her room and get in the car. I wouldn't but that is what i felt like doing

You have to ignore, I promise this will work. Children are more likely to copy bad behaviour. You need to tell the adults that noone is allowed to jump on your furniture and if any children do a firm 'we don't jump on furniture in this house' will do.

Showing you up is a learning curve for you, your dd is much more important and you can't mix your own pride into the pot!! Some of the things you've mentioned you can head off before they begin, so running off.....take reigns with you, tell your dd she is not to run off and if she does then she goes on reigns. I find/found (I have four dcs oldest eight) that a quiet word about your expectations can work wonders. One of mine wouldn't say goodbye, it had become a really big thing the more I asked the more he refused and so a quick word before we enetered the person's house worked a treat.

And this is when parenting becomes hard work, age three (you're lucky it's this late) so using ignoring and so on will stand you in good stead!

PS I give myself time out sometimes too, a little scream in the kitchen or ten breaths in the loo never killed my children!

Try to ignore the bad behaviour where possible and give her loads of attention when she is being good, say 'good girl!' for the slightest thing she does. I got into a habit when my dd2 was born of only noticing dd1 when she was doing something wrong. When she was quietly playing with a toy or colouring in I was just glad of the peace. However she soon got wise to this and often did things just to get a reaction. It only lasted a few weeks as we managed to nip it in the bud quickly when we realised that we were the problem.
Good Luck x

Sometimes the thought of another day of battles just makes me want to go back to bed, just going to have to man up and get on with it aren't i?

I was logging on to post a very similar problem. DS is 2.8 and DD is 4 months. He is being frightful for me at the moment. Prior to his sister being born he was a loving, lovable child. Now he is a loving and lovable child for everyone but me. Monday night he reduced me to tears by slapping me around the face and kicking me when I attempted to change his dirty nappy - he's toilet trained except at night but refuses to poo on the toilet at the moment. My back is killing me from lifting him as he throws himself backwards and arches his back.
He goes to nursery 3 days a week and they are always telling me how good he is - always listens, kind and gentle to the other children etc. He wants Daddy all the time and at times won't let me near him. I know he is jealous of the new baby and I know I have to be the adult and remain calm and consistent with him but I'm finding it so hard.
What do others do with a toddler who slaps and kicks them?

negril DD has started scratching and pinching me and i thought i was doing the right thing by being calm and telling her it had made mummy very sad etc, but she just laughs and does it again, so no idea i'm afraid

I had the same sort of behaviour from DS1 when DS2 was born. He is 2.9 now and DS2 is 9 months. Every time he did it I would hold his foot or hand and say firmly that we don't kick/hit each other in this family. If he carried on then I would say if you kick/hit once more then I will sit you in time out. If he carried on then he would get sat against the wall for 1-2 mins, same message reiterated which is that we don't hit/kick each other.... and then told to apologise to whoever he had hurt with hug and kiss ! Had to keep a close eye on him and jump in whenever he did it because DS2 was on the end of it a couple of times . Being firm and consistent has worked and I very rarely have to use time out with him now.

I don't know if sharing your feelings helps with a toddler that slaps/pinches you. Get down to their level, stern firm voice and say no hitting/pinching and then stand up and either walk away or move the child away from you and ignore for 30 seconds. If they are talking see if they will say sorry, if not perhaps think of something non verbal like a kiss.