Shocking discovery on DDs computer....!?!

[walkingonair]

My 12 year old DD has recently been given a computer which we set up in her room at the weekend (first BIG mistake). She has only just turned 12 and is quite young for her age, so I had explained that she is not permitted to join facebook, msn or other social networking sites until she is a bit older and all internet use is to be supervised. The computer has been in her room just 2 days and today I discovered that she had gone online and looked at the most shocking porn sites. She has typed various searches into google which contain all sorts of strange and explicit words and phrases so I am even more shocked that she specifically went looking for these sites rather than just stumbling across them.

I really don?t know how to deal with this, I?m disappointed with myself for not supervising her and disappointed with her for exploring these sites.
My immediate reaction was to confront her, she denied all knowledge at first which made me really angry, however when I showed her the browsing history she was of course mortified.

My main concern is the fact she has viewed these images and that can never be reversed. How much damage has been done?

She tells me the boys at school talk about these sites, so worryingly other children are looking at porn and talking about it at school. I'm sure I?m not the first mum to have this problem, but I?m so shocked and worried what affect this will have on her. Even if ban her from using the computer, she will still hear about this kind of stuff from friends, what is the world coming too!?!

I understand the damage has kind of been done, and that's so sad. T'internet is a very dangerous place these days

In the interests of further limitation (if you haven't already) have the computer in a communal room so that you can look over her shoulder whenever you like. And adjust the settings so that she is restricted from accessing certain sites.

I've never allowed the PC to be in the boys room (13) but have recently caught them accessing porn so have learnt that lesson the hard way.
I don't know how to do the restricting thing but got a friend in who did.

Erm..... walking why didn't you get up parental controls!??

Sorry I meant set up parental controls

I can understand you being really shocked , I would be too but we did the same with every new dictionary we saw . The internet is a bloody scary dictionary though .

oh dear :(

children (and adults tbh) are naturally curious, so I wouldn't necessarily be concerned about the fact that she went looking for the stuff, IF she heard it at school like she says she did.

I would definitely move the pc to a communal area, and use something to stop sites like that being accessed. there is something called netnanny, tho i don't know how good it is

in the meantime you need to go to google and turn "safesearch" on, which will stop any pornographic results being shown. not foolproof, but as an interim measure it's ok

i would also have a chat with her and tell her that ANYTHING she hears about that she wants to know more about she can ask YOU. you will give her an honest answer, and she doesn't need to look for it online.

i would also consider talking to someone at the school. it's important that children are taught about internet safety and inappropriate sites, and if there are kids out there that are looking at stuff like this and NOT being monitored by parents that is concerning.

rioja, I had every intention of setting up parental controls, my brother had offered to come over this eve...I'm kicking myself for being too late!

I have taken the wireless adapter out so she cant go online now and any interent use will take place downstairs on the family pc.
She can still use her PC for school work (MS office) but thats it; NO internet upstairs!

She is begging me not to speak to the school and is ashamed and wants to forget it. I want to her to come to me if she has any questions about sex and i'm worried if i handle this wrong she may not trust me or be scared to approach me?

If it's any consolation, I have just had the same experience with my 9 year old , although she hadn't gone looking for it. She put in 'girls games' and you wouldn't believe what she ended up looking at! I too could kick myself. I have downloaded Net Nanny and then put all sorts of stuff you might expect the kids to google in and it screened it pretty weel. I feel a lot better.I thnik we have to forgive ourselves for our naivity at thinking it wouldn't be that easy for them to get at this sort of stuff and take it as a big lesson! Not sure how to brooch it with my daughter though at 9?

Don't forget to look at www.opendns.com which is a free and easy-to-configure service for blocking unsavoury web sites, needs no software installation, just a settings change in your computer's internet connection DNS settings.

You cannot stop what children talk about to each other at school - especially in Secondary school, but what you can do is use the "Family Safety" software on your computer.

Kids are naturally curious, I know that doesn't make it any better you but at least by using this facility, it stops her from accessing those sites.

Sympathising here. I was VERY upset when my daughter saw images like this at a friends house. She was 10. I can't imagine what seeing porn at this age would do to your concept of sex/ sexuality. I only found out when I saw something she'd written and illustrated in a notebook (a few weeks after she'd seen the porn).
I was angry with my friend (who's daughter had accessed the porn on her laptop in her room while we were chatting away downstairs.) Couldn't believe she didn't have controls! I was really pissed off with myself for not checking what they were looking at.
People I have spoken to seem to think its an unavoidable part of life for kids these days!
The ones who have teenagers tell me they're always sending each other the grimmest and worst internet porn on mobiles to gross/ freak each other out.
I don't suppose a diseased vagina shot is going to make them all want to go out and do it.
What I HATE though, is the effect it has on boys and girls idea of what's expected of them/ what sex is/ 'should' be.
I felt like my daughter had seen too much for her age and that it had caused irreversible damage. But we talked about it and AT LEAST she chose to 'fess up in the first place. So that shows channels of communication are and will hopefully remain open.

I would agree to her pleas not to talk to the school. I think she could be bullied if you do. Also, as you say, it's a trust issue. She's got to be able to come to you with her concerns about sex, so you can't mortify her at this point, it's just not worth it.

walking - sorry you and DD are going through this :(

Just a thought, even if DD is putting on a bit of bravado about it, I'd say she probably confused/disturbed about what shes seen (if also curious), and you need to have a frank discussion about what was happening, and also explaine very clearly (not angrily) why you don't want her to see this sort of thing - thats its degrading, not what real loving sex is about etc etc.

Sorry if you've already done all that.

Best of luck.