Experiences of being a young mum

[cccat]

Hi,

I'm a university student writing about women who decide to have children in their early twenties. I just wondered if there are any young mums out there who would be willing to share their experiences?

Why did you decide to have children at a young age?

Do you feel that society is more critical of younger mothers?

Any thoughts and opinions would be really helpful...

Thanks

I didn't decide to have children young. I didn't want children at all when I was young, but dd1 changed all that when she came along. I was 21 when I had her, if that is any help?

Have PMed you - am 24 and expecting if that helps. 'Tis planned.

I am in my early twenties I am more than happy to help :)

I have pcos and knew it would be a struggle- an 18 month one infact.

I dont feel society are critical of me but I do feel a bit left out of baby groups in my area as I am youngest by a good 5 years sometimes more like 10. I feel this is due to the trend that women wanted careers before babies an example of this- my mother is a grandma at 54 my auntie has 13 and 8 year old and 51.

I don't feel society is I should say! I can confirm baby brain affects younger mums too!
PM me if you want any more info :)

I didn't 'decide' to have a child, but became pregnant at the age of 19 and gave birth just before my 20th birthday, meaning that I had to drop out of music college (I was required to do a minimum of six hours practice a day, which would have been impossible). I do feel that I'm treated differently. I don't really have any friends with children and often get the impression that people think I'm a young mum so must be stupid and not worth talking to. It's also fairly difficult to get people to take me seriously. In fact, I even had a charity worker knock on my door last week who questioned my age and then didn't believe me. Told me that I look much younger than that and walked away without even telling me why he'd knocked or asking for a donation.

I do also think that society is more critical of younger mothers in general. Perhaps because people think that they lack the experience of older women so will not be as capable a parent.

You can send me a private message if you'd like to know anything else :)

I didn't think early 20's was a young mum...until I had ds when I was 24 and all my mummy friends are in their 30's. I've always wanted kids and I have an older partner,we had a house, cars, enough money etc. So for me it was an easy decision. So glad I've had my 2 in my 20's,I still have loads of energy to run round,be silly and play with them. Plus I'll be able to enjoy life after kids too (hopefully).

marking my place to reply later :)

I had two by the time I was 18. I don't think early 20s is particulrly young!! :)

I'm 26 and expecting my first- possibly not young enough for you?!

However, I do kind of feel stuck in a bit of a limbo land at the moment and feel that I don't really 'fit in' anywhere mummy-wise:

I'm not part of the camp of girls/mates from school who had babies in their teens as soon as they left school, and i'm much, much younger than most mums at ante-natal groups/ preggers yoga, who all seems to be in their mid-to-late thirties. I don't have a problem with them being older, but I find that a few seem to not be so interested in talking to me because i'm younger.

Only one person I know from university has a baby, so in terms of age/ education/ lifestyle choices, I do feel quite alone. Am hoping they'll be some nice mummies at baby groups once sproglett is here!

i'm with you cheeechomper - I was 25 when I had DS

BUT the mum frien I made in late pregnancy have become some of my closet friends, they are 5-10 years older than me, all have substantially more money, cars, we only bought our first place this year - a 2 bed first floor flat compared to their lovely 3-5 bedroom houses WITH GARDENS - but they are just brilliant and we're close because we've gone through all the same stuff together. I met them through mumsnet as I didn't have the money to do NCT so do find a way to meet other mums while you're pregnant if poss

Sorry, thread hijack, but more than happy to talk too though I might be a bit old - the key for me has been I'm the only one out of my friends to have a baby which has been in the majority great.

I know I'm lucky that I found the man I wanted to have children with relatively young so had the option to decide to ttc or wait.

PM me if you want to know more

Thanks so much for all the help

It's all been really useful and there are some really ineresting points that I'm going to explore.

girlwiththemouseyhair/cheesechomper I'm the same as you - had DD on my 26th birthday, I'm 29 now, expecting dc2 and it's amazing how different I feel this time round, last time I was so out of place everywhere.

early 20's isn't a 'young mum'. I had 3 by the time I was 25. That was normal.

I am 25, got pregnant with my first at 20, had my second a year later and yes, have often felt like people treat me like I'm a second class citizen because I chose to have kids young. It probably doesn't help that (apparently) I still look 17 at 25 (imagine how young I looked at 20!). People do often seem to assume that I am stupid, as if having babies is the only thing I am good at and I couldn't possibly have a brain if I have children, it's either one or the other! I find that old ladies seem to be particularly judgemental, so many people were very rude to me when I was pregnant, or just gave me filthy looks as if to say 'oh look at you, 16yr old single mum, bet she's just trying to get a council flat and will live off benefits her entire life'. In reality I was married and my husband and I both worked full time! My eldest just started nursery and I am easily the youngest one there, none of my friends even have steady boyfriends let alone kids and I do find myself getting left out of a lot of things they do these day because I am not as free to do whatever I want whenever I want. That said I do feel that it was the right decision for me, the last couple years have been tough but I know that it will get better and to be honest I don't think age really matter when it comes to being a good parent. Anyone who has kids, whoever they are, tries to do their best and hopes that it is good enough and I think the only people that should have a say in what is right for you and your family is you :D

One particularly insensitive individual I worked with after my first son was born even said to me 'did you want to have a baby or did you just not want to have an abortion?' How's that for diplomacy!

Haha extremepie! I had some fairly similar comments. One person was talking to me about how he did want children eventually, but... "No offence, but I won't have them just for the sake of it, like you did".

Another woman, when I announced my pregnancy, shouted "Oh, FFS, have you not heard of contraception", in the middle of the street. Nice woman.

I think the saddest thing was that my dad told me I was an immature little bitch and I'd never be able to cope with a baby. That really stung.

I had mine @ 21 and 23 but agree with some of the comments that it is not really that young, among my friends it is normal having them from about 18 upwards cos we tend to get married young (religious reasons not allowed to 'date' so instead of dragging it out til about 30 to get married we just get married straight away)

Decided to have children @ that age as I was ready for them, always wanted to have kids and had been married for 3 years by then, only reason i left it til then was to finish studying first then have kids after. otherwise would have had them @ 18, 19 because i dont think being young makes you any less able to have and look after your kids and bring them up well

i think society is critical of young mothers among some circles, but not others. in our culture its not seen that age is a problem having kids as long as you are married, and having them very late would be seen as the abnormal (i think people would be presuming there was some kind of infertility problem, rather than people chosing to have them v late, or they may b judged as being "career women" not interested in having kids which would b seen as a bad thing)
i have noticed the british white middle class kinda people seem to have a more negative attitude towards it, because many people are having later and later hence leading to why under 25 is seen as young parent whereas b4 it would have been seen as normal. i have seen comments here on mumsnet from certain people about its irresponsible to have children under 30 years!!

however personally if people feel critical about younger mothers or people having children in early 20s i really could not care less what they think as i find that opinion stupid so i don't take anything like that to heart as i feel confident its better to have them at this age than wait until older so let them think what they want really (sorry to say but people who do spout this nonsense about being too young to have dc at these kind of ages i judge them that they must be immature themselves, to consider 18-25 as "too young" )

I had ds1 at 22.

I was treated badly by my midwife whilst I was in labour.

It was assumed by the majority of people that I would be in receipt of income support.

I got tutted at by old ladies when my (usually very placid) baby cried in public (ond comment was "I don't know why they have them if they don't want to bother looking after them)

I was so heart brokenly lonely. NONE of my friends had babies. I was too old to go to the special 'young mums' groups and felt really really out of place at the groups where everyone was in their 30s. I wasn't a drinking clubbing yummy mummy, I had one friend who had a baby 9 months after me (also in her 20s) and she was a bit of a life line.

Clothes that are cut for mummies are not designed for 22 year old women, that funny stage where you're too young to wear Boden and Per Una, and too old to snap back into Select and Zara after the baby.

I had my first at 23 and second at 25, I did plan them, but I have never considered myself a young mum (although dd does tell me all her friends parents are way older than me!) I wanted my children at a what I consider normal age because I didnt want to be older when they grew up. I have never felt looked down on by society.

I still feel I had my children at the right age for me

Ds1 at 22, dd at 24 and ds2 at 26. I never felt like i was a young mum, but the way that society treats someone they perceive as being young is awful. im lucky/unlucky that i have never looked my age-even now at 29 (thank goodness!!) But when i had ds1 some of the looks and comments were just uncalled for, some people even refused to hold doors open to let me get my pram through doors! I remember taking my oldest two swimming when they were about 2 and 6months old respectively, the receptionist wasnt going to let me in as she didnt think i could handle them on my own! Once i pointed out that they were actually my kids, she relented. She said nothing to the older lady with two kids behind me however. I was raging!
I have also been asked if the children all have the same dad, as if my having them young makes it somehow ok to ask that!! (They do by the way)

I always wanted my children whilst i was younger, though i didnt consider myself a younger mum. and i wanted them close together too so all the nappies and sleepless nights were done with.

I'm 26 and had my DD at 25, at most playgroups, post natal groups i am the youngest mum by about 5 - 10 years. I also seem to be the only one not married.

I feel sometimes that the other mums think i'm young, single, stupid, and a un planned mother. And in fact i am a university graduate and find great pleasure in knowning that when other mothers look down at me and treat me like i'm thick. I do look younger than my age which doesnt help.

When i told most people i was pregnant i got the same responce of 'are you going to keep it' they could not possibly believe that i has actualy planned my pregnancy.

I'm so glad someone has started this thread! And that i'm not the only one who feels the negative vibe

I was 21 when I had my DS and yes i think i was young id only been to college and was planning on going to university but i had an unplanned pregnancy with my partner of 3years. This turned out to be the best thing id ever done! i'm 23 now and my DS is 20months old and I do think that society is more critical of younger mums, I only look about 18 and i get dirty looks sometime and even had comments on how young I am to have a toddler (i feel like saying i'm 5 years older than you probably think i am!) And also I feel looked down on when i say i don't work and i'm a full time mum when in fact i have the luxury of being able to do this as my partner has a great job to support us, and we are not yet ready to put our DS into a nursery. Me and my partner have now been together 5years and we love being young parents, I still plan on going to university when our DS goes full time in school, hope this helps.

I remember when I was expecting DS at 25 that a rather outspoken colleague railed at me for having him too young, and said that she very hoped that her twin daughters who were then 21 wouldn't have children until they were at least 30, that she'd always told them not to. I sometimes wonder whether they ended up shattering their mother's little bubble.

I didn't feel especially young although I looked younger than I was (25 by the time he was born). I was a graduate from a top university, and was very bolshie to boot which may have shielded me from the most unpleasant comments. In my NCT antenatal class I was only second youngest as there was one girl who was 21. The other three were in their mid to late 30s. I didn't feel noticeably younger than them although one made it perfectly clear that she felt the extra 15 years made her morally superior.

Hello,

I am 19, and my fiance is 22. We didn't decide to have children, my son was unplanned.

However, my partner and i have been together for four years, are getting married in 2012, both work and are educated, and we own our house.

I have never had any negative responses to my situation, but i believe that is because my partner and I are in a very good position.

Ally

I had DS (11mo) at 25. I do find that most Mums at groups etc are older than me, but I've still made friends easily. I too look younger than my age (about 18 I'm told!) and I've definitely seen a few people giving me 'knowing' glances. When I first had DS I wanted to wear a T-shirt that said 'actually, I'm 25, I've got 2 degrees, a husband and a house', but I've got over myself now and don't actually care what anyone thinks. I try my best not to judge others too!
The only thing I find sad now is that my pre-baby friends don't have kids - it would have been nice to go through it with someone I already knew really well. Then again, I have made some great friends through NCT etc and am happy to be a young(ish) Mum overall - lots of energy (kind of ), no fertility probs etc. I am having to build my career around having children, and I don't hang out in clubs like most 26 year olds, but I think career/children balance is difficult at any stage and I've been going to clubs since I was about 15 so I've had enough of all that now :) Money is v. tight, but we cope, and my parents (and in-laws) are young enough to be a big help. What I've learnt through taking to my older Mum friends is that there are big pros and cons whatever age you have kids. DH and I just fancied being young parents and went for it - others prefer to wait and I can understand this too.
Hope this is useful - feel free to PM me if you have any questions.