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Parenting

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Original poster

1,2,3 Magic - anyone tried this method?

24 replies

spotofcheerfulness · 26/10/2010 14:44

And does it work for the real littlies? I'm trying to work out a consistent way of disciplining my nearly 2 year-old and everything I've read seems to contradict itself (have read love and logic and unconditional parenting, both of which chimed with me and both of which seem to contradict each other in bits).
Or maybe I should just chuck the parenting books out and have done

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BikeRunScream · 26/10/2010 14:47

Chuck out the parenting books and have done. I have nbever read one and I don't think my DS is better or worse behaved than any other DC of my friends.

DinahRod · 26/10/2010 14:57

Yes we use it but afair the dcs were a tad older, 3.5 for eldest dc, but it's simple for them (and me!) to understand, takes the stress out of it for me and the key is in the pauses so they have time to reflect and wonder if the naughty behaviour is worth the consequence. Have had to remind dh how to use it properly a few times, but have got to the stage where a single raised finger can get dcs to stop misbehaving. But the onus is on them to stop and reflect which I like, rather than having something done to them as punishment iyswim.

Puddlelane · 26/10/2010 15:39

what is 1,2,3 magic please?

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DinahRod · 26/10/2010 18:56

123 Magic basically is calm, non-confrontational counting with a significant pause for the child to reflect and stop whatever misbehaviour they're involved in. When/if you get to 3 the consequence takes place, e.g quiet time in bedroom away from the source of conflict or whatever suits your circumstances. It works if you have too many parenting styles in place, have lost control completely or, in the case of my ds, he'd get so enraged that he can't hear to be reasoned with. It's simple and doesn't take up much emotional energy. In the first instance there might be quite a lot of getting to 3 in the first day or two, but they really quickly get it and like knowing where they stand.

I've dipped into a few parenting books, this one I actually read. It gives the same message over and over but with a host of different scenarios.

Rather than constant explaining/saying'no'/ telling off, I find this approach leaves time to focus on the positives like empathising with them when they're frustrated or somethings not fair (mirroring back how they're feeling really) and plenty of cuddles.

DinahRod · 26/10/2010 19:01

The power of it actually is not in the counting but the pause which gives dcs the time to stop, reflect and not carry on the misbehaviour/change what they're doing. You can actually watch them working it out across their faces There are circs where it's not appropriate but the author of the book deals with that too. Perhaps look it up on Amazon?

sherby · 26/10/2010 19:01

so DD comes and tells me DS has hit her, both of them are screaming 'he did this, she did that'

If I were to use 1,2,3 then and they calmed down before 3 at what point does DS learn its not ok to hit?

sherby · 26/10/2010 19:02

Because he has calmed down no? So we don't get to the consequence part? I don't get it

minipie · 26/10/2010 19:07

sherby as far as I can see it only works for behaviour they are carrying on with right in front of you and you want them to stop.

So it works as a way to stop them screaming but not as a way to stop him hitting someone when you are not there.

DinahRod · 26/10/2010 19:53

Sherby, there is a section in the book which refers to this afair which I'll copy paraphrase but dh is going to commandeer my laptop for work this eve.

DinahRod · 26/10/2010 23:07

There's a whole chpt on Sibling Rivalry "when the children are fighting you should count both kids most of the time, because usually they both helped produce the conflict...some provoke in subtle ways and others in more aggressive ways, so it is often hard to tell who started a fight - even if you are right there."

It's likely that you would hear the battle escalate before Armageddon, so I think the idea is you nip it in the bud first with 1,2,3. There is also somewhere in the book where it talks about if misbehaviour is so serious it would be ridiculous to count to 3 but haven't found that bit yet!

bendybanana · 26/10/2010 23:43

didn't know there was a book called 1 2 3 magic but I use a similar thing with my kids.

It works a treat and I disagree with minipie - it helps set a general standard of behaviour wether i'm about or not. My kids are very calm/plesant and know whats right and why. They do time out (after 1 2 3) and then we quickly chat things through calmly - then move on. I don't have to shout, smack or stomp around, it's just very constructive and safe. I think it works well partly due to bad behaviour getting very little attention and good behaviour getting lots of attnetion.

Sherby - for me hitting is automatic time out. I skip 1,2,3 and go straight for time out in a room. We then quickly and calmly talk through what happened and how it made the victim feel etc .. We then change the subject.

And yes, Ive timed both my kids out at the same time - only when i knew they were both the cause. Works like a dream. I like the way it helps establish positive communication between the kids

bendybanana · 26/10/2010 23:51

I also like the way it give me some space at a vital stressful moment.

We did it from about 20 months when i was sure they understood what was going on.

waltonsmountain · 27/10/2010 10:42

Just finished the 1-2-3 Magic course and it seems really promising. Have heard glowing reports from other parents too. Very simple yet effective. fingers crossed.

SilveryMoon · 27/10/2010 10:46

I do it with mine. I haven't read the book or anything like that, and I count to 5. I found counting to 3 didn't give ds1 eough time to comply with what I was asking him to do or to stop whatever undesired behaviour he was showing.
I have just started doing it with ds2 who is 20 months, but that's m9ore to show ds1 that the rules are the same for everyone.
I tell them that I'm going to count to 5 and if they haven't started doing/stopping whatever, then they will go to the naughty corner and 1 toy will be taken away until they are kind and earn it back.
They normally earn the toy back by saying sorry.

SilveryMoon · 27/10/2010 10:53

Hitting is also an immediate time out here. No counting or talking, I literally frog march them to the time out spot and sit them down and say "you're in time out because you hit xxx"
Then after the desired time is up, I go back and explain that hitting is not nice and we need t5o be kind to our friends/brother.
For nice, kind behaviours I see, like sharing toys, I give them lots of verbal praise and tell them how much they are helping by being kind.
If they start snatching toys, then the toy goes on the time out spot.

I have a fabric time out spot that I use at home and take out in my bag and that I also leave with the cm so it is consistant for them.

lola0109 · 27/10/2010 11:10

I had a very trying day with DD1, 2yo, yesterday but I think she just wanted attention but I had a lot to do as DD2, 6mo, was quite sicky so needed quite a lot of attention.

Usually she's an easy baby so DD1 gets plenty of attention and DD2 plays alongside us.

Anyway, as I said DD1 was very trying so I tried warning her, then saying I'd count to 3 (not knowing of this method, I just tried it to calm down before I locked her in the garden) but it didn't seem to work, but I think I might get this book and try again.

Any advice on how to introduce it properly, ie sit down with her and explain this is what we'll be doing from now on, would be great.

SilveryMoon · 27/10/2010 11:28

lola I haven't read the book but have been doing this with my ds1 for a while now. I normally get to 4 and then he does what I ask. When I do get to 5 he has to sit in the naughty corner.
I think you just need to do it and do it all the time.
When I started, I just said to him something like "I have asked you to start tidying up. I am going to count to 5 and if you are not taking things to the bedroom, you will sit in the naughty corner"
Got to 5 he was staring at me, so he sat in naughty corner, then after a few minutes, I went to him and told him I'd sat him there because he wasn't listening to me.
We then went back to the living room and tried again, I told him to tidy his toys and if not, he would sit back in the naughty corner.
He tidied his toys.
I now use it for everything.
Walking around the supermarket, it works a treat. I count to 5 and then he has to hold my hand (which he hates), or sit in the trolley

lola0109 · 27/10/2010 11:34

Thanks silverymoon I might try 5 as she's still quite young, although very clever so hopefully she'll catch on quick.

I think she's either going through a phase or has hit the "terrible two's" She's an angel one minute then the next she's a monster! But usually she's easy enough to deal with when DD2 isn't so demanding! :)

SilveryMoon · 27/10/2010 11:37

Lola, there's an 18 months age gap between my 2. They are now 3.2yrs amd 20 months.
The first year is very hard, especially when the older one is used to having you jump for their every need straight away. It does take a while for them to learn that things are different now.

Puddlelane · 27/10/2010 11:42

Thanks dinah I will certainly be using that.

cobweb99 · 27/10/2010 12:13

We use this all the time and it totally works, however I think from about age 3 would be better.

My son recently told me "I wish you had never got that book Mummy."

Original poster

spotofcheerfulness · 27/10/2010 13:38

Sorry not to come back to this sooner and thanks all for your thoughts. i just know if we start it now that if I go, 1, 2, 3, DS will continue up to 10 as he's just learning to count! But prob no harm in starting the concept and seeing where we go from here...

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lola0109 · 27/10/2010 15:58

Ha ha spotofcheerfulness that is what my DD did, but in a totally sarcastic tone! I think thats how I ended up so wound up!

MadameSin · 28/10/2010 12:15

Did it with both my ds's. Worked wonders, but you have to stick to it ... every now and then I revert back if needed and they know immediately what the score is. I got the CDs from Amazon to listen to in the car. It's actually nothing new as my parents counted to 3 on many occasions as I'm sure their parents before did. Apparently originated in Ireland where families were generally much larger ... makes sense.

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