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Parenting

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Original poster

Arrggh - little bully hurt my son

54 replies

Swirl · 14/09/2005 14:17

Just really wanting to let off steam.....DS who is 2.3yrs was playing in Soft Play area in Leisure centre this morning and another boy who looked about the same age (taller but with much less vocabulary) basically followed him round and knocked him off things/took toys off him. I can cope with that as I guess it is normal enough behaviour for young children (even though DS has never done it). DS always stands back when someone does this and patiently waits until he can get on again etc.
Anyway next thing I see is the boy running up to my DS from behind, grabbing him round the neck and doing a kind of wrestle move! My poor DS fell down, his lip was bleeding, he was crying. I ran and picked DS up and cuddled him till he settled, trying not to make a big deal of it. So, so angry though inside. The other boy was there as part of the Creche so there was no mummy to reprimand him. I should have spoken to the Creche but didnt want to make a scene in front of DS (he just picks up every word you say.) We stayed on for another while but DS was quite clingy after that and noticeably wary of other boys running about.
Thanks for reading...feel better just getting it off my chest.

OP posts:

CarlyP · 14/09/2005 14:19

Oh your poor boy. my ds1 is v placid and he doesnt 'push or fight back' as it were. said to be more intelectual if they do that apparently!! so be pelased your son is a thinker and intelligent and feel sorry for the other boy. i would have spoken to the creche manager though.

Twiglett · 14/09/2005 14:24

it is not too late to phone and let the creche management know

sounds like inadequate surveillance and care to me on the part of the creche staff

Original poster

Swirl · 14/09/2005 14:29

I am kicking myself now for not saying anything, but will make a point of saying the next time we are in. I think the little boy is a regular in the Creche there and I bet when I tell them his name they will know straight away who he is. Yes Twiglett there was definitely insufficient supervision. What I think has upset me too is the realisation that life can be so cruel and DS is just getting the first taster off it, and his mummy cant protect him from all of it

OP posts:

KBear · 14/09/2005 14:48

sob - don't start me off. My DS is a kind little boy who can't understand why kids fight and punch (my cousin's boy does this - proper punching too at 3 ). I am going to enroll him into Karate or something soon so he can defend himself!

Original poster

Swirl · 14/09/2005 15:08

What do you think makes children behave aggressively like this? Is it attention seeking?

Has also got me thinking about playgrounds/play areas in general. What is the best approach to take when you go there. I always stay close to DS1, talk and laugh with him, and encourage him to behave with respect to others (wait his turn, learn to share , etc). But is this too protective - am I just going to make it harder for him later when I'm not there, and is he going to be walked over? Should I stand back more and let him cope with the good and the bad. I see plenty other mummies just sitting on benches letting their children get on with it themselves.

OP posts:

Whizzz · 14/09/2005 15:09

i would ring them today - its still not too late - next time there may be more damage from poor supervision

Original poster

Swirl · 14/09/2005 15:10

Did try ringing a little while ago but creche only open till 1.30pm apparently. Feel I did mishandle this.

OP posts:

KBear · 14/09/2005 15:12

Swirl, I do the same as you. My children share with each other and other children, take turns etc. I think it's basic manners and that's how I want them to behave. Shame lots of people don't do the same, letting their kids run riot at other's expense.

As I said, Karate lessons! Disciplined martial art yet self-defence should the need arise.

KBear · 14/09/2005 15:14

Don't blame yourself for mishandling the situation if that's how you feel. Your DS is only two so you've both got a lot to learn IKSWIM!! You are giving this lots of thought now so next time you are able to deal with it how you want to.

Give him a hug and forget it now, it's done. Don't let it spoil the rest of your day.

KBear · 14/09/2005 15:15

Sorry if that sounded patronising - didn't mean it to be. I meant he's young and you're new to it too so you will learn together how best to deal with these things.

Lizzylou · 14/09/2005 15:16

Swirl, I think you should let the creche know. Your little boy sounds like a very patient and sensible child.
I am in constant dread of this happening as I am quite a hothead and worry about ending up in a fight with other Moms!
At nursery the other day one of the staff told me that Ds (18mths)had been punched in the face by another boy! Apparently he didn't retaliate, which is good and they then tell the other little boys parents what he has done too. I was fuming and had to tell myself that this will happen again and that I should be pleased that it wasn't DS doing the hitting...but I hate to think of my lil boy hurt in any way!

Original poster

Swirl · 14/09/2005 15:17

Thanks so much KBear - you are so right (and not at all patronising ). It is all about learning for BOTH of us. Mummy is going to have to toughen up a bit too

OP posts:

KBear · 14/09/2005 15:22

My DS got bitten twice when he was a pre-school last term (by 3 year olds so old enough to know better). I was soo upset but one of the mums is a friend of mine so I had to pretend it was forgiven because I didn't want her to feel bad! She dealt with her son and made him apologise etc but my DS couldn't understand why a child would bite another (at that age at least, we're not talking 18 months here).

Tough this toddler lark isn't it!

puddle · 14/09/2005 15:28

Oh swirl, it's horrible when your child is hurt but I don't think it's helpful to see other children of this age as bullies or refer to an 18 month old 'punching' another child. They are so very small still and learning to interact with the world and with other children. Most children go through a biting or hitting phase which is usually them testing boundaries and cause and effect rather than malice IMO.

In your position I would have probably tried to engage the other boy in playing with my ds (which is probably what he was after but didn't have to vocabulary to express it) and try and get him sharing and taking turns. If that didn't work I would have moved my ds away from him.

Hope your ds's lip is better now.

puddle · 14/09/2005 15:28

Hope your ds's lip is better now.

Lizzylou · 14/09/2005 15:34

It was the nursery who told me that Ds had been "punched", Puddle and the other boy was 2yrs+, I know that next week it could be my son who does the hitting/punching whatever, which was why I was glad he didn't retaliate.

puddle · 14/09/2005 15:43

Well Lizzylou if nursery told me one of my children had been 'punched in the face' i'd be expecting a black eye or nosebleed. Hope your ds wasn't badly hurt anyway.

magnolia1 · 14/09/2005 15:45

I have been on both sides

DD1 was never horrible to anyone and was on the recieving end alot. She was what I would call bullied in Nursery but the teachers insisted children of this age do not understand bullying
Well excuse me but thi sboy continually hit her, kicked her and pushed her on a daily basis and it was only her he did it to We moved to another area a bit later in the year so didn't take it further.

One of my twins bit and scratched another child in Nursery. It only happened on the one occasion and it turned out he had pushed her 1st BUT i felt so bad about it and kept asking around the mums to try and find out who it was. Our school have a policy of not disclosing names.

Lizzylou · 14/09/2005 15:46

He had a bruise on his cheek, which went down quickly so not that bad. The fact that they told me about it and used that language made me think it was more than just horseplay, I'm sure they all push each other around all day! DS is a boisterous boy and large for his age, but I am trying to teach him the value of sharing and patience with others.
I am just an over-anxious first time Mom I suppose!

KBear · 14/09/2005 15:51

But puddle it is true to say that children are brought up differently (my cousins boys for example who think nothing of punching and fighting and wrestling other kids compared to my DS who doesn't behave that way). I agree the term bully is not ideal and not usually the case but some kids punch, bite and kick, others don't.

Bugsy2 · 14/09/2005 15:54

swirl, sorry to hear your little one was hurt today. Unfortunately, it is very much a fact of life that small children can be really brutal. Yours may not be now, may never be but an awful lot of toddlers go through really vile biting/ scratching/ pushing/ punching etc stages. It is part of learning cause & effect. They have to be made aware that it is unacceptable & they grow out of it too. Although, if you watch kids in a playground (particularly boys) alot of it is still very rough & tumble though.
If your child has an injury while at a creche, nursery, playgroup etc then a record should be made of it - as far as I know it is a legal obligation. I'm really surprised that the creche manager did not discuss the incident with you.

Lizzylou · 14/09/2005 15:56

A little boy who lives near us who is about 20mths now went through a stage of pinching/ hitting/pulling hair and kicking younger children, he has since grown out of it, it coincided with his mother being pregnant which had obviously unsettled him. I admit I used to try and avoid him and used the term "bully" , only to DH tho, but now the baby is here, he is fine and I feel bad for being so harsh

puddle · 14/09/2005 15:59

Kbear I am talking about very small children - threeish and under. I am not saying it doesn't happen, all I'm saying is that the motive for the behaviour is probably not nastiness. What Swirl described sounded to me like a boisterous boy who was not being adequately supervised and wanted to engage with her ds. Probably because he saw her ds having fun with her and was lacking in attention himself.

elsmommy · 14/09/2005 16:00

I'd of pushed him over

KBear · 14/09/2005 16:04

Swirl said she saw

"the boy running up to my DS from behind, grabbing him round the neck and doing a kind of wrestle move! My poor DS fell down, his lip was bleeding, he was crying"

That's not a child trying to engage in play, that's a child who is trying to hurt another one.

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