feel bullied and dominated by my toddler

[bellbottom]

O god I'm going to flip out if this carries on much longer.

Love my dd (2.5) and I do love her for the powerful character that she is. I think its great thats shes so tough and a leader type and all that. But I'm feeling like she bulldoses me and I feel out of my depth.

Can't cope anymore. i'm a single mum and I feel bullied by her. In the past I felt she had a lot of respect for me and listened really well. I know it's normal for toddlers to some extent, but she won't listen to me AT ALL anymore. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. She doesn't even turn round when I say her name. Even if I get to her at eye level it becomes a confrontation. Feels as though she plays mind games with me so she can dominate - for example, I put her to bed and she states which song she wants me to sing, I start to sing it and she sings a different song loudly over the top to drown me out. I walk away and close the door and leave her crying as I feel it's no use anymore to tell her that's not nice to do. Its like its becoming some kind of game. I find it almost scary that there is this level of friction going on between us and worry about the future. I lately feel there is not enough warm connection between us and I wonder how it will be in the future when she's older. I imagine her pushing me around when shes a teenager. I just want to cry so much but scared to lose control. Her dad has never been in the picture and we live abroad without family as well.
How do I establish the respect again? I sometimes feel she looks up to everyone except me. She doesnt even want to come home with me when I pick her up from nursery. She tells me to go away and says she doesn't want to come to my house. I'm so embarassed by this. The other kids run to mummy and give them a kiss. I don't even get that if I ask for it. I put sweat and tears into the last 2.5 years and have tried so flippin hard and thought I was doing a great job until now. Feels like it's all slipping away.
What can I do??
I hope someone can offer some advice or reassurance.
Thanks!

Why do you want respect from a two-and-a-half year old!?
You are the adult in this relationship, you control it. End of.

She's 2.5 - just the age that they try to test you to establish the boundaries. You mustn't worry about the things she's doing - it's not a question of 'respect' - it's all a game.

Don't expect adult values - and always remember that your dd will sometimes be 'horrid' to you when she's lovely to everyone else - it's quite normal.

This becomes even more apparent when they're teenagers! I have 2 sons 15 & nearly 17 who can be charming but occasionally revolting!

So give yourself credit for the good job you're doing as a parent - don't expect your dd to live up to some perfect ideal.

As she gets older you'll be able to explain why her behaviour has upset you - do so calmly and rationally and don't 'blame'. You must avoid making her feel like a bad person just because she's behaved badly.

Purit - using the word respect is the only way I could explain what I mean. I know that a toddler does not understand the concept of respect. Obviously. But what other word can I use to describe it?

I think 'adult values' = respect - but adult values are learned - you can't expect it at 2.5. Try to chill and enjoy your child - she's behaving perfectly normally

thanks forty plus. I will try and do that. It helps to get this feedback.

But how come the other kids of her same age run to mummy at the nursery and she ignores me???

This is pretty normal - but as it's just you and her I am sure you feel it much more intensely than if you had a partner and a couple more children to pay attention to.

I found it VERY hard to take control of my first child - I though everyone else knew what they were doing and I didn't. DS certainly seemed to know more than me!

A very wise friend told me that DS would still love me if I didn't always say yes - in fact, that he would probably be happier and more secure because he knew I was in charge, even if it did mean more tantrums. And she was right. I so wish Supernanny had been on TV when mine were toddlers.

thanks oldenough...

Thats funny, as I always try to remind myself to say YES as I always seem to be telling her what NOT to do and I battle with getting the right balance. I think perhaps she needs more positive encouragment otherwise she just focuses on the bad behaviour.

Hmmm. this is all so confusing!!

'But how come the other kids of her same age run to mummy at the nursery and she ignores me???'

They go through phases - my ds1 hides at the moment and we have to hunt for him!

Could you try to look at her behaviour in a different, more positive way? The example you gave of her singing different songs you could choose to think that she is just joining in with you. Ok she's using a different song but you are still both singing together. Maybe you could try changing to her song. If she changes again, then follow her. So instead of it being a competition you are choosing to make it a co-operative game.

thanks seth....but this is more than a phase. She adjusted to nursery immediately and has never been the one to kiss me bye. She goes straight to her friends and doesn't even hear me when I say bye. It's been like this since the start. And when I collect her she has never once ran to me....shes the only one like this...and it just gets more.

It's not that I feel rejected. Its more that I worry that it isnt healthy or normal and I worry about her total lack of needing me!! She's too young for that!!! If she had some signs of dependancy....it would be ok. But there are none!! What happens when she gets older!!

you are seeing the negative side re her running off at nursery - there are hundreds of threads on here about clingy children, children who cry when they're left, children who don't make friends.... It sounds like you have a confident and socially well-adjusted little girl

I also think she sounds very secure precisely because she clearly doesn't need to keep checking you're still there & still love her, so she clearly has a deep level of trust in you which is great.

re phases, my mum says everything is a phase with children & the one thing to remember about the problems you have with them is that most of them, they just grow out of, and when something is driving you mental and you think it's going to last forever it suddenly disappears and you a completely different problem. My eldest is only 5 but so far I think she is right

thanks seth. Its true I am very lucky in those respects and I do acknowldege that. I know i'd find a clingy child really hard and it's rare for a child to settle so easily. She has also always slept through the night and never ever woken! And eaten well etc. I know I've heard it being said that she must be secure etc. But being close to her is also something I would like to achieve, I mean not in a clingy way but in a way where she feels a need to be with me sometimes. When she has no interest in coming to me after being at nursery all day, I can't help but think that something is deeply wrong!!

Have lots more fun together but be in charge too! That way she will want to be with you and please you more.

My daughter settled into nursery quickly too, would run to her friends / nursery assistance without a backward glance, would hide under the table when I came to pick up her up, and nine times out of ten I had to drag her wailing out of the door, yelling 'I don't want to go home!'

My daughter and me are very, very close - don't read so much into it and let it hurt you, you've done a fantastic job and I'm sure your dd adores you, although she may not show you that easily. Trust me, as a single mother - you are her world!

It sounds a bit corny - so sorry. But I read somewhere that children play up with their parents because they feel secure and safe. They know that however much the 'test the boundaries' you will always be there and always love them. The same is not true for other adults and children. Also, the way that your DD has learnt to push your buttons (eg by singing over you, being rude at nursery) is a healthy sign that she is developing empathy for you (believe it or not!). She has enough knowledge of you to be able to do just what will really irritate you at a particular point.

What I'm trying to say is that your DD is a healthy, well-adjusted, normal 2.5 yo - all thanks to you. This difficult phase will pass.

I agree with Acebaby re the button-pushing skills being a great sign of developing empathy. I was always both and at the way my dd could get to dh from an early age....

re the feeling that there is not a great deal of warm connection between you, sometimes with children the warm connection has to come solely from you and all you can do is keep telling them it is there even when they don't want to hear it. There was a time when ds1 wouldn't let me give him a goodnight kiss so I used to kiss the lightswitch instead and tell him I was pretending it was him.

Ahhh thankyou everyone you've all helped me so much. It's so great to be on here. I really should post more often the support hits me straight away. Acebaby what you wrote rang such a bell of logic in my mind and I feel like a lightbulb has just been turned on. I never thought to look at it like that and just having this new perspective will help me so much in those moments. It really makes sense.

I just wish sometimes that I had better skills to disperse my helpless feelings when she turns every situation into a power game and lately I'm feeling helpless because i feel like a parrot and also feel like my last resort is always to tell her the consequence of her not doing something, which just feels like a threat, but nothing else seems to work anymore!

I will try and keep a sense of humor about it - I think knowing she is showing empathy may help!

It's a personality thing I think. My third child was exactly the same and still is aged 7. I like to describe her as 'feisty' . She has never run to cuddle me after school, she frequently 'hates' me and if I sy black she says white.

But I keep trying, we fight a lot but it is getting easier and she is lovely at school apparently!!

My dd2 is on the dominant side.....She definitely thinks she is in charge of the whole world in fact. Sometimes I do feel quite harrassed by her. We live 'abroad' and my dh is at work and my oldest is at school. So it is me and dd2 by ourselves from 9-3 every day.

I quite often give her the reason 'because I am the Mammy and you are the little girl' for things and I also tell her sometimes she will be able to do things/choose things/go places or whatever when she is a lady, and she seems quite happy with that.

I think camdancer has a good point about trying to see some of the things that your dd does in a more positive way. If she is singing a different song, then join in with her. Tell her she sings as beautifully as a bird and that you are going to choose a song for her to sing as she has the most beautiful voice in all the land.

Well, she sounds like a normal 2 year old, but you sound at the end of your tether, you poor thing. Just keep saying to yourself that you are the grown up and you are in charge.

Have you thought about asking your GP to get her hearing checked out if she's not responding to you calling her name? Things like glue ear etc. can cause quite a lot of behavioural issues in children. It's worth excluding, anyway.

Been beaten to most of my points by previous posters :)

Things I found that helped with DS (he's almost 3) are (and these are my things that help with DS, don't feel like I'm telling you what to do, just saying what works in our house):

She doesn't even turn round when I say her name.Even if I get to her at eye level it becomes a confrontation.
Make her turn round, hold her arms, explain exactly what is expected (I don't want you to play on the chair because you could hurt yourself). If she turns away, physically remover her from the situation. If that doesn't work we say something like 'sit down nicely or no stories before bed' (and follow through)

Feels as though she plays mind games with me so she can dominate - for example, I put her to bed and she states which song she wants me to sing, I start to sing it and she sings a different song loudly over the top to drown me out. I walk away and close the door and leave her crying as I feel it's no use anymore to tell her that's not nice to do.

What happens when you stop singing and walk out? She sounds like a totally normal behaviour for a 2yo girl :)

I got in a really crappy situation with DS earlier this evening. He was pushing, trying to make the decisions (he really wanted to watch octonauts but it was bedtime) I ended up talking to him in a very daft exagerrated northern accent (he;s meeting his great aunt from Yorkshire tomorrow) and it just broke the ice and made him giggle (it was very exaggerated) I was exasperated and seething, but stopped myself (polishes halo) and managed to calm and be silly just in time.

My DD1 sounds like yours, in more ways than one.

From day 1 at nursery (18 months), she does not look back or say good-bye and it's a half-hour battle to get her home. At 5, I now get a kiss before she leaves, but the battle to get her home is still there, and you're right, it is embarassing. When I pick her up, I usually join her play for a few minutes, set a limit to how long I am going to play with her (we'll have one turn together) and then with the help of staff, get her out. I found some staff, without even me asking them to, let her engage in activities at the end of the day only when she's agreed she would come with me as soon as I arrive. Then they just remind her of what they'd agreed when I come to pick her up. Maybe you could talk about this to the staff at her nursery.

Some kids are soft and easy going, others aren't. I found "Unconditional parenting" really worked for DD1 and strong-willed kids in general, unless you want to "break" them. It just made me celebrate who she is.