DD upset & hurt by my ex h's lack of interest

[stripeytiger]

Not sure where to post this, but hoping to get some advice. Sorry this is a bit long too.....

DD is aged 9. Lives with me, ds and dh (her stepdad). DCs go to visit their dad every other weekend. He rarely has them during the holidays, for example, never during half terms, a few days over Xmas, same at Easter and one week during the summer. Over the past four years since I left him, I have gradually come to accept that he won't book leave during the holidays as he prefers not to, he uses work as an excuse but I know that he can be very flexible with his leave. I find it easier to say nothing and go along with the status quo of alternate weekends.

Over the past few months, DD has become increasingly fed up with her dad's "lack of interest" I guess she is beginning to realise what he is like and whilst I could hide that from the dcs when they were younger, this is getting harder and harder. I have always tried to adopt the position as the peace keeper, I maintain a civil relationship with ex h for the sake of the children. I try never to run him down in front of the children and respect that he is their dad. At the moment I seem to be constantly mopping up the emotional turmoil which occurs after their weekend with their dad. It takes about 3 or 4 days to get both of the dcs back on a even keel, emotionally for dd and behaviour wise for ds. Ex h rarely rings the dcs during the two weeks he doesn't see them and they find it really hard to understand why. He promises to ring them and then doesn't. He dismisses my concerns over ds's behaviour saying that he never has any problems with him. Well no, he wouldn't would he....he has NEVER taken either of the children to school, not once. Never made a packed lunch, never been to a nativity play, the list goes on. When the children return, the clothes they have worn are returned screwed up in a carrier bag, never washed (ex h has re-married) If other way round, the children's clothes from his place are washed, ironed and folded before being returned. The children ask why.....I don't know why?

Ex h nagged me to get ds involved in rugby. I did, he loves it. Ex h never rings to find out how he has got on and rarely takes him when it is his weekend, claiming it is too far and his wife isn't happy!

This time DD has come home and is tearful, upset and generally at rock bottom. She doesn't want to go to her dad's, saying whats the point, he's not interested. I have tried all the usual things, I have tried tactfully to talk to ex h, he is a clever, articulate man but he WILL NOT accept any responsibility, saying that dd is over reacting and being a drama queen!! DD actually sent him an eamil a few months ago explaining how he felt......he replied saying how upset he was by this, not acknowledging any of her concerns or upsets.

I know only too well that the alternate weekends are only "duty" visits for him and it breaks my heart. My gut feeling is to stop the visits but I know he will get huffy as he will not want to lose face with his family! The children aren't bothered about going and dd would prefer not to.

This is a letter dd wrote to me last night as she felt too upset to say it
"Dear Mummy, i am really upset because of daddy and nobody knows how i feel. I need to say it what I think about daddy but I cant I dont know whether you understand me but I am really upset at school and at home because of daddy I sort of don't want to call him dad because he isn't much of a dad. Lot of love dd. ps I want a hug" then she drew a split heart with her name and daddy. This just broke my heart, I held her in my arms and told her how much I love her but I just don't know how to fix this.

I don't know what to do.....the last thing I want is to stop the children seeing their dad but poor dd is so unhappy and from a selfish point of view, this emotional mopping up is really taking its toll on me.

Thanks for reading and hope someone can offer some advice?

Your message breaks my heart and I can only imagine the pain you must feel for your dd :(. A friend of my mum had the same problem and she really struggled with it. The way she finally decided to deal with it was to tell her dd that when she reached a certain age (I can't remember what it was but not that old) she would be able to make the decision herself whether she wanted to see her dad or not. She is now at university, has changed her last name to that of her mum's new husband (who she adores and is much more of a dad) and doesn't see her dad anymore. She is a much happier person. Her younger brother has also followed suit. If he is making her that unhappy then maybe tell your dd she doesn't have to see him and don't try to explain his behaviour to her, just let her know (as you have) that you love her. I hope you find someway to help your dd through this difficult time.

I don't know what to say, hope someone has some good ideas. But your post made me cry. My dad was exactly the same (although never even had the weekend visits - maybe a couple of times a year) and it really, really affected me in my late teens and early twenties. So I really hope you can sort it out somehow although he doesn't sound like it's going to be easy.
I see very little of my dad now - he acts the same with my baby DD as he did with me - promises visits and then never comes, all on his own terms, sends money as presents because he can't be bothered to look for anything.
Poor you - your daughter sounds so lovely.

poor dd :( I think I'd let her decide whether to go on the visits or not.

Thanks for the replies. The hardest thing is that I don't know how it feels, I can only try to imagine what she must be going through and somehow try make it better.

The saddest thing of all is that he is missing out and he can't or won't see it. DD is such a sweet, affectionate, funny and loving little girl who idolises him....or at least used to. I try to be the best mum in the world but I can't be her dad too :(

Am thinking of composing an email to ex h to suggest that we re-think when the children see him. My priority is to keep them, happy, healthy and stable and this is impossible at the moment with the repeated emotional upset after each visit.

Also, am thinking of telling him that he must collect and drop off the children if and when he wants to see them. This has been a sore point for the past few years....he took it upon himself to move away from the area where we lived when married. This means though that he expects me to meet him half way, in total 100 miles there and back to drop off and again to collect. My family has always said I am too soft with this arrangement but I always just wanted to keep the peace and ensure the dcs so their daddy.

Not sure if this is reasonable? My dh drives to collect his son and takes him home every other weekend - his ex has always flatly refused to do any of the driving. Also, ex h's new wife refuses to drive her son to his dads. So am I a mug or being soft?

I wouldn't say you're being soft, just unsure of the best way to help your children with the situation they are in. I would say it is the time to start playing a bit harder though seeing as you know how much it is upsetting your dd. If he has a true interest in being a 'proper' father to his children then let him start to do some of the work. Your dd is already at an age where she can see he doesn't put effort in. I wish you luck in trying to resolve this situation, and keep in mind that seeing a father that has no interest is not always the best thing for the children.

I would photocopy the letter and give him a copy. If he doesn't get his act together then he is a twat and doesn't deserve his kids. I wouldn't try to deny her feelings, because she is right. I would probably say 'yeah, he isn't much of a dad'.

Would he care if he didn't see them the weekends?

AS the above said, photocopy the letter and give him a copy. But not sure if it'd have an impact as the email DD sent seemed to fall on deaf ears and possibly caused ex-h to complain to DD that she upset him..

Also I think if an ex-partner moves away and wants visits, it's their responsibility to make the effort to pick up and return the children. Unless transport is a major issue but if your ex-h's partner insists her ex does all the running around for their children, then implement the same condition.

You could say if he's not willing to do the driving, the visitations will need to be reduced to once a month. You can cite fuel costs, etc. You could even tell him if he insists on you doing all the running about, you'll need to consider asking him for expenses to cover this.

It might solve DD's problem - if your ex-h isn't wanting to make the effort, then your DD doesn't need to spend the weekend with him.

Hope it works out for you but I think you need to be tougher. His children therefore his responsibility to make the effort and make them feel important rather than inconvenient.

thanks for replies. DD still down, a bit quiet when she came home from school, but wanting lots of hugs and kisses from me, which of course is lovely. She told me she didn't have a single cuddle last weekend from her dad :(

I was really shocked when she did her homework - she had to look up six words in a dictionary and then use them in a sentence. One of the words was contempt - she wrote a sentence using her dad as an example. I asked her whether she meant it and she was adamant and said she didn't want to change it. Think I should maybe talk to her teacher as they will probably be asking some questions.

I am getting really good support from family and also a parent support advisor is visiting me and she is excellent.

I have a very similar senario. My dd is 8 and her dad has not lived with us since she was one but she does see him but quite erractically. I have had to threaten him with no contact (she doesnt know this) and he has been better. DD adores him but has recently begun to realise hes not the saint she thinks, He is having a new baby with his gf and has made no effort toexplain this to her or prepare her. She has not even met the gf. I have had to do this now as the baby is due any day. She said "i am really cross with Daddy for having another babay and jsut ignoring us(has 3 older bros)I think its the age and their sense of right and wrong kicks in. A child pychologist friend told me this. You cant protect them from hurt in life but you can be there to acknowledge their pain and comfort them. Best advise i have ever had.