Over-reacting? Or how to react?

[January73]

Hello!

Just want to gauge whether I'm on the wrong side of how I feel about this...

DD has a friend. She formed the friendship in last year of primary school, mainly because she felt the girl was being shunned by others. DD felt everyone deserves a friend so went out of her way to be this girl's.

All was fine until they started 1st yr of High school after summer. DD had gone to an induction the week before so was at ease. Her friend had to be sent home 1st day as she got physically sick through stress.

AS things have progressed, DD has increased her circle of friends, enjoys HS immensely whereas the friend is very clingy and has started picking at DD - bossing her about, etc. which DD takes in good part and with much patience. More than me!

Anyway. Today at gym DD's friend started giving her a hard time so DD stated she would take direction from the teacher and nobody else. The friend told DD that as she never listens she needs to give DD instruction. DD walked off and got on with the class.

End of school day they're walking home. DD made a comment about the day in general. The friend responded with a comment about how her day was 100 times worse. Seeing where this was going, DD said 'why is it whenever anyone says anything you've got to have gone one better than everyone else!?!?'
To which the friend replied, 'because I am better' So DD shot back, 'you're so much better, worse, sicker, healthier, prettier, tired, late, early...anything anyone does you've done better and as that's how it is, I'll walk myself rather than drag you down' and with that DD walked off.

We were sitting as a family this evening until DD went to bed. She checked her phone before getting into bed to find texts from her friend and also missed calls. Then when she's showing me, another text arrives from the friends mother to DD's phone. And this annoyed me. Not so much the context, which was all in caps but the fact this was an adult texting my daughter.

I feel that if she has anything to say regarding DD, she should be contacting me and not my DD directly.

Anyway. I told DD to ignore it and if she goes in for her friend tomorrow morning, IF the mother says anything, to let me know ASAP and I'll deal with it.

DD's concerned that the friend may have exaggerated the events - the friend has a track record of exaggerations.

So...my main thing is am I over-reacting to the mother texting my DD? Should I be encouraging DD to drop this friendship? As much as I admire her sentiment that everyone deserves to have a friend, I think she's tried her best.
Should I be contacting the mother and telling her not to text my DD and contact me if she has a problem?
And if she does have a go at my DD tomorrow morning, would it be better to say nothing and let the friendship die anyway or do I need to get my oar in so to speak?

SOrry for the long post.

I think it depends on what the other girls mother wrote in the text.

I would be extremely pissed off if an adult texted my daughter in that way. And I would call the mother and ask her to speak to me in future. She was very inappropriate. Your dd sounds wonderful and her friend sounds like a very manipulative child.

Suggest you contact mother, say you understand something has happened between the girls, listen to what she has to say, stay cool and say your piece. Friends mum may be reasonable. Or may not.

Your dd sounds smart not sure I'd have been as quick witted!

What did sha say?

What did the text say?

Contact the mother. If she has something to say, she should say it to you, not a kid. I'd be so pissed.

Thanks for the quick replies.

The wording itself wasn't threatening as such but was written thus,

'WHAT'STHISABOUT!!!?????'

Not threatening I know but I think it is the fact it's someone who's an adult contacting DD direct without my permission. Hence the over-reacting query.

I think because DD hadn't responded to the friends phone calls, texts, etc. as DD was with her dad and I, being a family w/out phones, etc. the girl's panicked and thought DD isn't talking to her.

Incidentally the text was sent by the mother at 10pm. DD was checking her phone as she uses it as an alarm clock and picked up the messages. Since then I've had DD's phone to monitor it and another message has come through from the mother stating,

'I think you and * have been having a laugh and you've taken it all too seriously. I will speak to you in the morning.'

I know if there's any nonsense DD will deal with it. She is pretty quick minded and articulate. Scarily so!!! To have had her smarts at that age!!

Thanks again for the replies and advice!

I had a chat with the mother of DD's friend. Well when I say chat....!

I did the 'I was just passing...' thing and after pleasantaries, said oh, here's my mobile number. That should save you having to call/text DD and you can speak or text me directly.

I made sure I was super-smiley and friendly about it.

So she straightened herself up, frowned deeply and started - ''...are you telling me that I can't call/text someone? No-one tells me what I can/can't do.
Youreally need to chill out as a parent and stop taking life so seriously...''

''...I'm a childcare professional (nursery nurse who's just been sacked from her latest job for unprofessionalism) and I think I know more about what I can and can't do with children than you!..''

So...yes, I think I see where DD's friend gets her attitude from.

It's a friendship I don't see lasting much longer. As much as I'm not going to push for DD to finish it, I'm also not going to encourage her to prolong it either!

Thanks again for all the advice. Just thought I'd give an update :)

OP i think you did the right thing, however after receiving that text saying "i will speak to you in the morning" i wouldn't be letting DD go alone to friends house but it is done now. i hope your DD isn't too hurt bu what has happened. i dont think you or her over reacted at all and your DD sounds great. she is a credit to you.

Thanks, booooooooooyhoo, that's really kind of you.

With the ''I will speak to you in the morning'' comment, I wasn't comfy about DD going to her friend's house at all. I told DD that. She said, ''Mum, if she gives me any grief, I'll just walk away and come straight home and you can go sort her out. Or dad but you're scarier when you're mad''

So I thought if she's ok with it, then I am too. But still was a bit on edge, I have to admit.

well that's fair enough and if your DD was comfortable with that then i guess you have to trust her to deal with it the way she said. did the mum give her any grief when she went round?

fwiw, i have experienced parents like that(as a child) and the ones who try and sort it by talking to the child weren't sorting it out at all they were threatening and scary and manipulative and their dcs were the same. an adult who would try and do that is someone who isn't wanting to do things teh right way. they know/think they will get their own way easier by talking to a young child rather than an adult who can stand up for themselves.

sorry booooooooooyhoo, I didn't pick up on your posts!

Apparently on the morning, the mum went to say something to DD about it but DD was ready and said, 'if you have anything to say, you have my mum's number, give her a call and speak to her'.

DD apparently wasn't rude, just assertive!

Anyway. Today DD and the girl had a huge fallout. The girl tried to assert her authority and boss DD about. Going so far as to say, 'I don't care what the teacher said, you do what I say' or something to that effect. DD walked away, and later on very calmly told the girl she couldn't put up with her attitude and wouldn't be staying friends anymore.

DD walked away again with the girl screaming at her, 'come back this instant!..who are you to walk away from ME!' apparently pretty hysterically.

So we were all sitting this evening when DD's phone went. Text from the girl's mum. Not very nice, demanding to know why DD walked off from her daughter, etc. I took the phone off DD. didn't answer the text. 10 minutes later the phone rings, I answered it, it's the mum shouting down the phone - she didn't realise I'd answered it. Waited for her to finish then told her she'd already been warned about calling a minor without parental permission and if she persisted I'd have no option to contact the authorities as I'm concerned about her behaviour as an adult towards a child. I also told her if she didn't cease, I'd think seriously about contacting her employer - she's a council nursery nurse - raising concerns about the kind of people they employ.

She apologised hugely but then said she still wanted to speak to DD as she needs DD to walk her daughter to school as the girl's scared to walk herself.
I told her DD doesn't provide an escort service and if her daughter has issues regarding her safety while going to school, that's for her as a parent, to address.

Finished by telling her to not call or text again and if she does, I'd do as I said I would.

Haven't heard anything since. We shall see.

But some parents really wind me up!