When does it start being easier with 2?

[teamnomistake]

Hi there,

Just joined Mumsnet, please be gentle...

I have 2 little boys, one nearly 2, one 6 weeks. I was really enjoying life with my first son, had a part time job, which to me was the best of both worlds, having time with him and time with adults where I could have an entire cup of coffee uninterrupted etc...

Now I've had DS2, I'm really not enjoying having a newborn again. Life has shrunk back down to activities we can do within walking distance. My husband works long hours and usually doesn't make it back until after their bedtime (which in itself is a nightmare, can't seem to find a way of doing the routine which doesn't involve leaving the new baby crying at some stage) We live overseas, so no family support.

I feel like I'm just trying to get through the days at the moment. DS1 is jealous and acting up. I'm trying to get out of the house as much as possible as it makes it more bearable to keep busy. I do have nice Mummy friends to hang out with, but several are pregnant and I don't want to be really depressing company talking about how hard I'm finding it.

I'm sure it'll get easier when DS2 is more interactive and sleeps more but right now I feel like I spend all my time just looking after very needy little people. It's awful when they both cry at once - often I join in.

Disclaimer - I know I'm very lucky to have 2 healthy children.

I guess I'd like to hear how others have coped with this stage. when it started getting easier and if you have any survival tips.

Thanks

i have 2 DC with the same age gap, also overseas and DH working until 9pm so i know what you are going through. i really struggled until DC2 was around 1yr but now it is like a walk in the park. They play together and keep each other entertained all day long. i can get on with housework and cooking while keeping a general check on them no problem.

Just hang in there and before you know it things will be better.

I have two DD, aged 3 years and 20 week. It's still difficult at times but now so much easier than at the beginning. I remember my first trips out after her birth being very daunting with both and it's taken me months to figure out a bath routine with 2. But 20 weeks in I can do baths n beds for two with little drama.

For me the key is being prepared and using time wisely. So when DD2 naps, DD1 and I do something - play, read or bake. I try to involve DD1 as my helper, she's helps me do jobs with DD2. DD2 has good head control and is now a lot more 'sturdy' which makes it a bit less worrying when DD1 wants to play with her!
I'm looking forward to when DD2 is old enough and they can play together!

Hang in there, it WILL get easier!

I actually think around 1-4 months is the hardest time. For me, dd2 had a bit of reflux and all I seemed to do all day was feed her, keep her upright and try to keep dd1 as entertained as best I could (much tv was used ).

I definitely found using a sling helped. It also meant if we went out I had both hands free to help dd1 with stuff. So I could take her to the park and lift her on the swings etc. It also helped at bedtime as dh or I could stick dd2 in the sling and she'd be very content while putting dd1 to bed.

I second craftynclothy re the sling. I have used one lots, so handy to have.

One tip - toddler groups

If you can get out to a couple of these every week, it will really help your sanity. Firstly it'll be a change for your DS1, new friends, new toys, new place to be in. Secondly, it's somewhere you can offload chat to other parents and just kick back a bit.

I have to say for me, they were an absolute life-saver. If you can also intersperse these with maybe visits to the library or local bookshops which may run storytime sessions, you will have less time at home having to cope with it all.

I have a 2.6yo DS and a 3 week old DD and like you my DH isn't in until almost the end of bath/bedtime if I'm lucky, or after it is all over if I'm not. I'm discovering that being super prepared is the only way to deal with it - so bag packed with nappies, spare clothes, snacks, water and in buggy ready to go the night before so we 'just' have to get them and me dressed before we can go out. Similarly, before bathtime, I get all the bath things plus nappies and pyjamas laid out etc. so that I don't have to waste time looking for stuff when it is particularly crazy and stressful.

I'm finding attack is the best form of defence as well - so rather than stay at home and get nervous about it, I'm just taking a deep breath and doing outings and if they go wrong, at least I tried! No day long ones yet - DS still has a nap and I want him to be home for it so I can have some breathing space - but I find I'm more relaxed if I can get out with them rather than being stuck at home so we are out and about as much as possible.

The crying together thing is horrid. I am just having to grit my teeth and leave the baby to cry while I sort out DS to try and avoid him getting jealous, but I do feel terrible about leaving my poor defenceless baby crying even for a nano-second!

It does get better ... Mine are 2.6 yrs apart and the initial bit was hard - I used a chair / rocker ( that lies flat) and minirosa was taken round the house with that.We only had the chance of walking distance options but I used a buggy board. Then dd1 started nursery and things did get a bit better apart from racing to get her there in time. Now we still have manic moments always when dh is not here. Hang in there !

I have 3 - with exactly 2 yr gaps between each. I found the first 3 months really hard each time, but then they started sleeping well and everything seemed to improve hugely. By 6 months we were really back on track and I was happy again. I think you just have to keep on doing what you are doing - getting out as much as possible (sling is an absolute must I found) and seeing your other mummy friends. Don't worry about moaning - everyone loves hearing someone else moan and imagining how much better they are going to handle everything when their baby arrives (ha ha ha.... they'll be wanting to return the moaning favour once their next baby turns up and you are out of the woods and have lots of good advice on how to survive!).

When I look back I really see those first 3 or 4 months as an endurance exercise, pretty awful while you are going through it but in retrospect that stage seems to be over in a flash.

no real words of advice, DD1 IS 2.6 and DD2 is 4 months, just saying i know how you feel!

It is getting easier, we have good days and bad days still. On the good days we manage to get out of the house by 10, get back by 12 with DD2 asleep in the buggy, then DD1 naps and I have a little bit of me-time! On the bad days DD2 gets grizzly and refuses to sleep, DD1 watchs far too much tv, gets bored and starts acting up while I turn into nasty shouty mum

As others have said, it helps to be organised, do things like make sandwiches for lunch the night before. We try and get out every day, whether to a toddler group, the park or a playdate. I've really let go of the housework, but DH helps at weekends.

I'm just trying to enjoy DD2 as much as I can as I know she will be my last baby, and trying not to let the little things bother me too much!

Gosh.....I remember those days. I spent about 6 months crying and feeling desperate after DS2 arrived - I thought life would never be fun again. Of course that all seems a long time ago now. I found it got easier at around 6 months (weaning helped DS2 sleep better at night, so I wasn't so tired), and then it was much easier again once they were both eating the same meals. Take it a day at a time and rememeber this really is just a stage which won't last very long

Thanks for the responses. Last night was particularly rough with DH away and DS1 teething, on top of the standard newborn feeds. I'm just getting on with it and remembering that this was a tough time last time as well. Things seem a lot more bearable at 11, compared to 3am.

I'm also fantasising about how different this would be if we were Very Rich, I'd insist on a housekeeper, nanny and night nurse and could waft around eating chocolates and reading books, whilst the boys get brought to me at designated Bonding Times just before cocktail o'clock. Oh well.....

I've really been struggling with 2 as well, but a much smaller age gap - only 14 months between them and DD2 is 4 weeks old today. I do often wonder whether I've made a terribly mistake, upsetting our happy, ordered little mini-family. It's not a thought I'm proud of and I do love DD2, but it's so hard to feel like I can't be there 100% for either of them.

I'm finding that bf marathons preclude a lot of our usual activities, and as for doing bath and bed on my own (tried it once so far) - it's a nightmare!

I'm clinging on to the belief that this year will probably be very hard but then all will magically get better. Meanwhile, can I share in your Very Rich fantasy please, OP?

I have a 2 year gap and it was a long time ago. That first year with two was the hardest and after that it was downhill all the way, it just gets easier and easier.
As others here have said once the baby is mobile they will play together and life is fun and not just hard work. With just one child you never get away from having to play/entertain them all day.

I have 21 mths between my two girls and found the first few months the hardest epescially with no nursery or family around to help.

They are now 2.3yrs and 5mths and its much easier. DD1 is excellent with her sister and gives her toys and entertains her when im haring round trying to get some jobs done.
There are days still now though when its very hard and im just counting the hours till DH comes in or bedtime.. which ever is sooner!!

Agree with others about getting out and about. Toddler groups are great as are parks, although getting abit chilly now.

It can be very hard juggling both of the girls needs and feel like theres not enough of me to go round. It wasnt till having two that I realised that one toddler was easy! ( although didnt always feel that way!)

You are doing fine and remember it does get easier :)

There's 21 months between my two boys and the first few months were bloody hard.

Remember this: IT IS WORTH IT. Under 2 years is a fantastic age gap. My two are best buddies, and adore each other. They have many of the same interests which makes life easier.

For us, everything changed when ds2 started to crawl. DS1 suddenly realised that having a little brother was fun and I will never forget him crawling after his little brother, and them both howling with laughter.

Chin up m'dear and stick with it. You and your boys will soon be having a blast.

I'd say when the baby came to about 9 months.. They're now 4.5 and 2.5 and it's sometimes shockingly easy!

I have a 21mth gap between my 2 boys, the yougest is 1 at the end of this month. It's been a tough year but so worth it.

DS1 has started to make his little brother laugh and it's just magic. It's double the work but double the rewards too.

This first year will go so quick op and you will get through it and it will get easier. You sound like you're doing a grand job :)

In my experience with two boys 3 years apart: the first 3-4 months are gruesome then slowly but surely it starts to fall into place and by 7-8 months it's more good times than bad but still with the odd moment of but by 1+ it's lovely and the more your youngest starts to interact & play with their sibling the better it gets until you then start to think maybe a 3rd might be a nice idea ....
Hang in there...
LCN