When they say 'I hate you'

[muriel76]

I have two DS, age 5 and 7.

My 7 year can be stubborn and bossy but he is basically a laid back lad and has never said he hates me/DH or anything similar. He is pretty easy going in general and still quite cuddly.

DS2 is lovely and affectionate but he can get very angry and sometimes physical...but the thing that gets to me the most is that he says he hates me/DH at the drop of a hat. He then repeats it over and over again and can't seem to snap out of being angry.

I know the mantra is to say 'that's a shame as I really love you' (which I thought was meant to make the child then weep with remorse!!) but it has no effect on DS2.

It's stupid but I find myself being really upset by it and I don't know how to respond to it. What should I say? Should I ignore it? I don't get why he says it and DS1 never does. Hate is not a word I use.

I find myself almost coming down to his level and saying stupid things ie 'you want to hold my hand, why do you want to do that when you hate me' etc pathetic I know but I can't seem to get through to him.

Must add I have never ever returned the insult.

Any opinions/advice gratefully recieved. Thanks.

You're expecting too much from him. Don't go to his level: if it hurts, ask your DH to hug you. It is not your DS' job to make you feel better, it is his job to test your boundaries and know you still love him, and that is what he is doing. You need to be stronger in the face of his challenge. If you can't say anything, try smiling and putting your hand on his shoulder? An then wait till he gets over it.

If you poke and prod him mentally expecting him to be able to justify why he still wants to hold your hand, I'm afraid it is a form of emotional torture for a young child of 5: he has no idea why he's so confused. Of course he still loves you while he says he hates you. If he wants to hold your hand, you should gratefully and graciously accept it as the evidence he loves you and is sorry, even if he can't say it.

I would just keep on saying "well, I love you" if he says he hates you. Not because it will make him remorseful, but because it will help him feel secure.

He is saying that he hates you out of anger, not because he actually means it.

It isnt worth trying to argue with him or persuade him that he loves you really, just keep making him feel loved and secure.

Thank you Wilfshelf that makes so much sense and you are right on all counts.

Probably just needed someone to say it in simple terms, seriously, thank you very much for responding and saying it so well.

I'm probably on my own in this but I respond 'oh really, well it's good to know how you feel' and walk off.

Instant mortification ensues because DD realises I won't react at all.

Sorry bigstripeytiger x posted with you.

Thank you too, you are both right. I know he does not mean it, I must hang on to that and your excellent comments too.

It's silly but because DS1 never said it, it does shock me but they are two different children of course.

Thank you for replying to me.

chocolate thank you for the advice. DS would probably follow me and keep saying it....I think the response you get is the one I expected and therefore feel bewildered/upset that it does not happen!!

Ah that's because you have not nonchalantly wandered off and got engrossed in something else in a 'totally unfazed' manner. I find saying to the other child 'oohh X would you like to do X' (something second child adores) and spend twenty minutes doing it.

I know it's hurtful but I have always preferred my dds to express their feelings whether hate or love etc, rather than bottling it up (like I did as a child). It's good to let them work their anger off. You know they don't mean it either! I calmly say something like 'Come and see me later when you feel like talking' and carry on with what I was doing. Works a treat with dd3.

It doesn't make them weep, but at least it can help make you laugh. What you must remember is that a child who says I hate you doesn't have all the enormous baggage of connotations and associations that go with those words for an adult. MY dcs have never done instant mortification. But over the years they have done a fair bit of gradually growing up and maturing- and in the end it pans out about the same

I feel complimented.

a) it means they feel secure enough in my love to feel safe enough to say "I hate you"

b) it means they're not scared of me. If I'd said that to either of my parents I'd have been battered. And guess what? I did hate them and I still do! (Actually no I don't, I'm indifferent to them.)