What's the best alternative to shouting at toddlers (to stop them being naughty)?

[titferbrains]

My DD is generally not too naughty and I'm quite strict with her. She's 2. I do shout loudly if she does something naughty, but when I do it now (it used to just make her jump and stop whatever she was doing) she bursts into tears and gets upset. I am a bit scary and obv need to tone it down a bit. She was playing with her playdough and cutters today and then suddenly swept all the cutters onto the floor. I leaned down to her and said no very loudly and then said we do not throw things on the floor (something she does to get a rise out of me I think). She started crying.

What is the best way to show you are serious, being stern, to make it clear that the behaviour is not appropriate and that it makes you cross? Without being SHOUTY?

If someone shouted 'NO!' in my face i wouldn't like it. You just need to keep repeating over and again that you don't do whatever. If she keeps doing it, like throwing the cutters on the floor, warn her that if she does it again you will take them away.

No need to shout though, unless she's about to run in front of a car or something. she's only 2.

ok, more patience less shouting. Will try to change the habits of a lifetime.

Not viewing the behaviour as naughty and modelling the right behaviour.
Eg 'Oh, you've finished playdough. The cutters go back in the box when you have finished'

Easier said than done though as you really have to fight your initial exasperation! (or is that just me?)

Gawd I shouts loads too! Will watch this with interest. I do find that getting right down to ds' level, making eye contact and speaking in a really firm, but not shouty, voice can work wonders. But even though I know this, I still shout too much - I am just an impatient person and it's a constant struggle to not be yelling-mum.

I tell her every day that it's not nice to throw things on the floor, it's bad manners, mummy has to clean it up etc. She knows it's naughty and she will sometimes smile/laugh at my reaction.

I do have a very short fuse unfortunately. I try to always talk to her normally after I've shouted to show that I was only cross about the naughty behaviour, not with her generally IYSWIM.

yes pegotty that's it, I am being firm and stern but also shouting. I struggle with the not shouting bit.

She's 2! Throwing things on the floor is probably quite funny (she get a reaction) or in the instance she shoes it she doesn't remember that it's naughty because she's bored/frustrated/fed up whatever.

Don't know if this will help?

I like the "modelling the right behaviour" comment. I try to do that - or I used to. I seem to have lost my way a bit with the 3rd...

Expect to sound like a broken record - you have to repeat the same things over and over while they're 2 and 3. And then one day, she'll be 4.5 and she'll suddenly get interested in rules and want to follow them. And you suddenly realise that you have a child capable of rational thought and the potential to become a civilised human being!! It's wonderful, that moment...

It'll probably get worse before it gets better, in other words. So take a deep breath...

Oh and if she likes your reaction, that's brilliant motivation not to shout, isn't it?

Thanks all for responding, I actually have that how to talk crib saved somewhere clearly didn't read it properly the first time!!

Good point to remember from it is that punishment makes the child resentful. After bursting into tears today, my dd stopped playing, and wanted to get down and have a cuddle with dada. I cleared up the cutters and just felt annoyed that I'd made her cry. Should have just made her pick them up etc.

Will try to get past my red mist moments if I have another 2 years of this to get thru!

Bumperlicious - that looks good. Is it a summary of a book?

Yes, the book is a bit of a bible on here, 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'.

It's a good book. But I say that as someone completely incapable of putting it into practice at the moment as I have a 4 week old baby as well as DD1 (3).

If my DD was refusing to do something or being cheeky I counted to three. Three meant sitting by yourself (same room) for around a minute. She only sat two or three times and I never get past two when counting. She still had to do whatever it was when she came back to the game anyway.

Or give her options - " you can pick that up and we'll carry on playing or we'll have to stop now"

Works for me anyway.

I rarely shout - seems pointless getting myself worked up and explosive over minor things. Best stay calm but firm. In relation to the cutter you could have explained that the cutters need to be on the table and can she pick them backup?

In some situations I state what I want my daughter to do and then count down 3 2 1. If she doesn't do it by the end of the count down, I simply put her in a boring room for a few mins and ignore her. While putting her in the room i quickly and calmly say why shes in timeout. After time out she has to say sorry for whatever she did.

I find shouting doesn't really work, though I still can't help myself sometimes.

I tend to go down the threats/bribery route - eg- if you throw them on the floor again mummy will put them away. I also do a lot of 'if you finish your broccoli you can watch one episode of peppa pig before bathtime' etc.

Agree that you need to try speaking in a stern but not shouty voice - if she hears you shouting a lot it will stop having an effect and then you'll be screwed!

I also find with DD1 it's an attention thing - eg if I am sitting with her playing she is good as gold, but if I leave her to go get on with mumsnet dinner she is more likely to play up.

But your DD is only 2, it might take a lot of repeating yourself before she finally gets it!

I would not sweat the small stuff, tbh. She has only been alive two years, and for 18 months of those she has pretty much been a baby, so cut her a bit of slack.

My rule is, if a game takes longer to play than it does to tidy away, it's been a success, so concentrate on the upside!

It wasn't ideal that she swept the cutters on to the floor but it was probably the work of a moment for you to pick them up and put them in a box.

If you had the patience you could make the tidying into a game.

I used to sing a silly made-up song: 'tidy time, tidy time, time to tidy up'. And tidy as I sang it.

More often than not the kids would join in.

titferbrains you've said a few times that you need to change the habit of a lifetime, or you have a short fuse etc. Perhaps you need to be more gentle with yourself as well as your DD. It sounds like you have a lot of anger and stress more generally and that you are worried about letting things out on DD. Perhaps taking some time for you, might help you feel less shouty

Oh gawd, im shit at being a parent.

I shout LOUDLY.

I call him things, like "you were horrible to so and so", horrible boy .

I go on and on and on and on and on and....

I over praise and say "im proud of you"

then after being a totally shit mum, I appologise for shouting, etc and leave my 3.5 yr old confused .

Im taking the prize for shittest parent 2010.

Scary bit, my parents shouted, nagged and name called and I regularly hear myself sounding exactly the same and I remember how rubbish it made me feel.

How do we stop ourselves when under pressure/stress from reverting to calm and rational. HELP (im shouting again)!

Aww, sneakapeak, that's exactly what I mean. You are shouting at yourself, calling yourself a 'shit mum' (name calling) all those things you are doing to yourself are driving how you are with your DC.

You're obviously caring parents or you wouldn't be posting. Try suing some of the 'how to talk' techniques on yourself

When I find myself reverting to bad mum habits, I read one of my favourite parenting books again. Preferably one with lots of examples, so I get the sound of how to talk to the children in my head. The "How to talk" book sounds like a good one!

I've been reading all 300-odd suggestions on the golden parenting rules thread - and I felt today that I was actually being a better mum as a result of having those ideas still floating round my head.

Might not work for everyone, but works well for me!

My other is Supernanny... but that's more to reassure myself that my children aren't that bad!