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Parenting

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Original poster

how do you know how you are doing as a parent?

27 replies

duvetcover · 16/10/2010 20:12

Hi all,

I have been feeling self-reflective today, and thinking about how I'm doing as a parent. It got me wondering how to know if you are doing the right things. Mentioned this to DP and the thought was that if the DC are happy and well-behaved, then we are probably doing the right thing. If not we need to shake things up.

Is this true? Can you use your kids' general happiness and behaviour as a reflection of yourself as a parent? Or is there a better way?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

IMoveTheStars · 16/10/2010 20:18

Only been at this parenting lark a couple of years, but I reckon if you're happy and your kids are happy, and they're generally well behaved, then you're obviously doing pretty well :)

lucyflawless · 16/10/2010 20:21

I think if they're both alive at the end of the day then that's a triumph for us!

lucyflawless · 16/10/2010 20:24

Seriously - I feel happy if things are going OK. If my children are happy then I'm happy.

I have struggled with PND, colicky baby/potty training dramas.

I try to take my credit where I can find it. So if the baby sleeps well, that's OK. If my DD only has one wee accident, that's OK...

and so on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

cory · 16/10/2010 20:25

I don't think even them being happy has to be the criterion. Sometimes you cannot give them that as a parent. Sometimes shit happens. But if you have helped them to develop the strength and attitude to deal with whatever life throws at them, then I think you are doing well. Are they happy given the circumstances? Are they behaving well given their own personalities and limitations?

lucyflawless · 16/10/2010 20:26

Oh I prefer Cory's answer. Scrap mine!

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 16/10/2010 20:42

I think if you're asking the question as to whether you're a good parent then you're at least half way there

Stillcounting · 16/10/2010 20:46

Agree with Cory

I don't think you ever can quite know how you are doing tbh. That's one of the hugely frustrating things about parenting .. . you get a handle on one issue and then they grow a bit and you need another set of skills.

I worry about this a lot as it happens - and ironically - that in itself probably makes me a worse parent than I could be.

Given the above, I don't really feel qualified to judge, but I guess if your dc are fed, basically clean, are generally happy at school and basically happy in themselves, and you feel you are doing marginally better than your own parents, then you are doing OK!

I also like watching (and learning from) the more experienced mothers among my friends and try and be open to the opinions of the professionals in dd's life too (teacher, doctor etc). If they reckon she is doing OK, then I feel reassured!

Also, I can usually rely on dd herself to "teach me" through her behaviour as to whether I am more or less on track on not. If she is being difficult then I may need to listen more or I may need to "tweak" the discipline a bit.

It's a never ending worry though ...!!

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 16/10/2010 20:46

Fair point Cory; but I think Jareth's version makes a good point too though, not much use having happy and well-behaved kids if YOU are miserable from it!

activate · 16/10/2010 20:49

wait 20 - 30 years

look back

if you're still talking to each other and they're not in prison or on the streets you won

IMoveTheStars · 16/10/2010 20:53

You killed my father, prepare to DIE!!

anyway..

when I say 'if you and your kids are happy' obviously you can't have control over outside influences/circumstances that affect their happiness. One of the biggest things to me is making sure DS feels secure, safe and protected. That I try and boost his confidence where I can. All these things lead to a happy child.

(guess what kind of upbringing I didn't have )

misskaur08 · 16/10/2010 20:58

I like Stillcounting's :
'Also, I can usually rely on dd herself to "teach me" through her behaviour as to whether I am more or less on track on not. If she is being difficult then I may need to listen more or I may need to "tweak" the discipline a bit.'

SpookyNoise · 16/10/2010 20:59

DS is watching Garfield and eating crisps. DH is in the kitchen doing something. Dunno what, but he has a beer open and the football on the radio. I am sitting in the lounge with DS.

SpookyNoise · 16/10/2010 21:00

oops, wrong thread!!!

IMoveTheStars · 16/10/2010 21:19

GoingLoopy · 16/10/2010 21:28

I have very happy dcs but extremely challenging twins. I try very hard not to judge myself as a good parent or not based on their behaviour. Most of the parents I know are doing the very best they possibly can with their kids, but knowing we are all making mistakes and no kids are perfect... that is what I think make a good parent.

MaureenMLove · 16/10/2010 21:39

I wonder this every year on DD's birthday.

DD was 15 last week. To my knowledge, she is not pg, she is not on drugs and she has not been arrested and she's doing mighty fine at school - so we're doing OK!

Original poster

duvetcover · 16/10/2010 21:48

Thanks for the responses so far. It's good to know I'm not the only one thinking about this! My kids are still only little and it's a long way before I find out if they will end up homeless or imprisoned (thanks for the images, activate :) ) They are still alive so that's lucy's standard ticked off, too.

I guess there is no magic way of knowing if we are doing things right or wrong. We look back at some of the parenting methods 50 years ago and shudder, I'm sure our grandkids will do the same. I suppose we just do the best we can. Spooky sounds like she has it covered with Garfield and crisps, that sounds like a start! ^^

OP posts:

cory · 16/10/2010 21:50

Jareth's answer is great and if you have achieved that you are certainly doing well.

But I know we have gone through times when dcs have not been happy and I have not been happy- and I still do not think we were failing each other. If you can survive really dark times as a family, or cope with really difficult behaviour, then I think you can say you are a good parent.

My mum had to deal with some really difficult behaviour in her youngest- when she felt despondent, she would say to herself "but what if he didn't have us to look after him, what if he lived in a family that couldn't cope?"- and that helped her. When dd has been really unhappy (disability, pain, emotional problems, panic attacks), I have had said the same to myself. It's not the problems, it's whether you can deal with them.

WowOoo · 16/10/2010 21:56

I've been refelective too and still have no idea if we're doing teh right things.

Always nice to have family and close friends say how cheerful/ well behaved/ funny they are when I am perhaps a bit too critical and can't see things objectively or in the scheme of things.

When I get lots of soppy cuddles, I think I might be quite nice actually

cory · 16/10/2010 22:05

Actually, I know the answer to this one. It was given me by dd when she was about 4. It was a dark and rainy afternoon, we had spent the day in the park with a friend's ds and now we were on our way home, holding onto baby brother's pram, tired and cold, trudging down the endless hill with the traffic wizzing past us, singing at the top of our voices allto keep dd's little legs moving. And suddenly she turned to me and said: "You are the right mummy for me".

I have held to this during some pretty tough times.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 16/10/2010 22:13

That's lovely cory :)

I don't know the answer to this. I kind of think I'm doing ok because other people like him but being popular isn't necessarily anything to do with the parent.

And I really struggle with all this stuff because if we take responsibility for our children's characters or wellbeing then are we also responsible for their intelligence? Clearly not otherwise it would be our 'fault' if our child had SN or was G&T.

I think if we help our children be the best people they can be, then we've done a good job. How you measure that is anyone's guess.

/hippy :o

nemofish · 16/10/2010 22:18

If they can take it when things aren't going their way / they don't get the toy / sweet / overpriced gadget that they are too young to use.

My dd makes me laugh, she couldn't have what she wanted and she heaved a long suffering kind of sigh and said 'oh, damn it!' and then trudged back into the living room.

and

She is only 4.

And if they only embarrass you by being daft and funny in public, rather than shouting / screaming / hitting. There are exceptions obviously...

MaudOHara · 16/10/2010 22:25

at Cory's DD

Some really thougtful posts on here.

If as I tuck them into bed and look back at the day and we are all happy; we havent shouted too much; they have had some excercise; some fresh air; some good food; not too much tv; something to stretch their brain and been hugged, kissed and shown they are loved then I reckon I'm doing ok.

cory · 16/10/2010 22:31

It was almost as if it was meant.

We went through a lot of shit after that: undiagnosed disability, suspected of Munchausen, suspected of sexual abuse, suspected of neglecting dd's education, suspected of encouraging her to think of herself as disabled, bad temper tantrums, panic attacks, self-harming.

But I have always tried to tell myself that I am the right mummy for dd and that nobody else could have got her through those times better than I did.

nemofish · 16/10/2010 22:47

Aww cory, it sounds meant to me. But then I believe in that kind of thing.

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