Worrying about child being left out, etc....

[GettinTrimmer]

ds came home from school upset about being excluded and sobbed under his duvet.

He's 8 now and I need to stand back and make suggestions of how he can deal with these things and help him grow a thicker skin.

Does anybody else worry about this stuff more than their academic work?! I felt like getting up at 1am and pouring myself a brandy!

I have no suggestions, just wanted to empathise. I am the same with 3yo dd. My mum often compares me to the nanny in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle!

I have no suggestions either. Does he have friends out of school? I only ask that because DD was being left out a bit last year because we were leaving. Luckily she saw that it was an opportunity to make new friends when we moved. She's made one or two, but it is bloody sad to see your DC being left out.

i know what you mean and empathise too.my DD is 8 and i only just went to parents night and discussed 'friendship problems' and was far more concerned than academic(mostly because DD is ging along fine academically and behaviour wise).Think it affects kids much more than any marks they get.My DD keeps getting teased about alsorts which has lowered her esteem and i am run ragged trying to bolster her back up.It's near impossible!!.Anyway she keeps having a 'best friend' and swaps friends to play with but is sometimes excluded when friends fall out with her.Only thing i do is have a word with the teacher about it.Last year they said go to them and they would help her find someone to play with.or they have older 'buddies' in the playground to help,but she won't approach them.Also i let her buy 1 or 2 packets of the lastest gizmos(cool bands just now,last year football cards).They are allowed to take them in but certain rules about use.She swaps with friends and although i think gizmos expensive rubbish,it gives her something in common with friends to share,talk about e.t.c.Other important thing is chatting to me whenever she needs to.Boys may be different though.My dd also has couple of friends on street which is good if she gets really lonely.ALso she joined a couple of school lunchtime clubs which her friends go to and has given her hobby now which she feels good about because she is good at it and it stops her having to socialise everyday in playground.(singing).I tend to think confidence in a child draws others to them,moreso than just being 'nice' to others so i think they pick up on it.
hope this has helped and good luck.hope this thread attracts more suggestions for you.

Thanks for replies. Reassuring to know we all feel the same

kreecher My ds doesn't want to join any after school clubs, etc, (he's a summer birthday and is often tired after school) but he does have a couple of friends who he only plays with out of school, as they are in different friendships groups - friends that I've made, he gets on well with their dc but they are in other little friendship groups and he says their friends don't want to play with him.

happyathome I think you've hit the nail on the head about confidence. My dd is a very confident 5 yo and attracts other children very easily. My ds very often finds things difficult to cope with I've noticed coming up towards the end of half term/term and I think he's getting tired as he's a late July birthday.

Our school has the buddy scheme too, but like your dd, my ds won't approach them.

I would like to encourage him to take up a hobby he is really good at, but he won't learn guitar/go to football/karate/whatever. He's happy either playing with the occasional friend after school or drawing pictures.

Your poor DS I know that you feel you have to leave him to stand on his own two feet a bit but 8 is still very young really. Have you spoken to the school? Exclusion is just another form a bullying and shouldn't be allowed.

Confidence is a big thing. If he doesn't want to join a club or whatever, could you do something as a family in the holidays? Wall climbing or dry slope skiing or something? Something new and different that would give him a sense of achievement. Crash swimming courses can be good.

my DD is also summer born and tired too.Making them even more miserable eh?!.If your DS is generally happy though and not too desperate for company all the time when at home then that shows that he is comfortable with his own company,can amuse himself,bit like my DD and myself when i was a child.I remember not quite fitting in,but then i was more able to cope with loneliness as i found ways of coping(i went home for dinner which helped,which was a choice then!) and now don't need that much company to be happy...can be a blessing later on in life and a useful skill to be self-reliant.He musn't be too upset by it if inbetween he is ok.Just i guess if he's upset all the time,i'd say go and see the teacher.confidence may be achieved through family just believing in him e.t.c,not neccesarily a hobby,or he might like to take up some skill at home rather than going out to something(eg.art at home...doing great pictures will make him feel good too...i did art a lot at home on my own and enjoyed it ,and making cardbard creations...still do cardboard inventions with my DD)

all the best.

Oh dd (6.5)was crying in the car about this very thing yesterday. It broke my heart. She has been with her classmates for 3 years already and has always seemed popular and happy up til now.

She is VERY self-confident though and I wonder if she comes over as bossy/show off and now the dcs are older, they shrug her off. I am interested in strategies in how to help her to cope/moderate herself maybe....

bisy wall climbing is a great suggestion, he's tried that before and loves it. I agree too if he's still having bad days next week I will mention something, I have in the past gone in and felt like I was making a fuss later as the problem resolved itself.

happy he's doing the 'cheese ball family' series of cartoon drawings atm, we have done drawings of monsters and written stories (he dislikes handwriting, is left handed so took him longer to write legibly), sometimes says he's bored so we can have a look at doing more. Will post on the arts and crafts section, thanks!

Yes, ikwym about family believing in you....I don't want to dismiss his feelings and tell him just to get over it.

porto Does you dd do things out of school?

GT, she does a dance class and plays lots with the neighbourhood children. I was talking to a colleague of mine this afternoon whose children are older. She said this always goes on. Girls are particularly bad, and the "cliques" start at an early age. And it changes week by week. I felt a bit reassured by this.