Massive problem with smokers

[BrightonMum2Be]

I detest smoking and don't relish the idea of my smoker in-laws cuddling my baby daughter (due in 4 weeks) when they visit. Same goes for my smoker friends.

How can I tackle this without looking like a big snob? I just hate the idea of them going into the garden for a fag and then thinking it's acceptable to exhale their foul nicotine-infused breath all over my gorgeous child!!

Hysterical I know ....

YANBU, just ban all smoking in your house and garden.

Oh and I'm sure your baby will be gorgeous... not as gorgeous as mine though obviously :o

Too be honest I wouldn't worry too much about this. The evidence for damage to babies from smoke particles on clothes hands is by no means conclusive at this stage.

The official SIDS website has this to say on the matter (link

"We don?t smoke but we have a relative/friend who babysits regularly and her clothes always smell of smoke. She doesn?t smoke when she?s visiting us, but I?m worried my child is breathing in the stale smoke on her clothes. What should I do?

We don?t yet know if there is a danger from smoke particles on clothes. You should realise, however, that a smoker will find it difficult not to smoke, and you need to be open with them and discuss what they are going to do if they need to smoke. We suggest that they take your child outside in a pram or pushchair and stand a few steps away from your child while they smoke, but they must keep an eye on your child at all times.
"

p.s. I'm sure I read somewhere that breastfeeding reduces the risk of SIDS more than smokers handling the baby increases it. This might help you to feel you are negating the risks because I don't think it's practical to police your smoking friends and family in the way you want. Unfortunately I can't find the link for this, maybe someone else can?

I don't think you're being hysterical, it's natural to want to protect your baby from harm.

It's currently unclear whether there's a link between 3rd hand smoke (of the type you're describing) and cot death/cancer etc but when it comes to children why not err on the side of caution? There used to be the same kind of doubt about the dangers of smoking then passive (2nd hand) smoking and they're now clearly proven.

Info on the research below but you'll need to make your own mind up about it as it isn't conclusive, imo.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8503870.stm

The daily mail's more hysterical version: www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1211825/How-cigarette-smoke-carpet-harm-baby.html

FWIW, my smoker mother has said she'll change her clothes and wash before she holds our baby DD. She also trying to give up (has been wanting to for years so is hoping this is the motivation she needs).

It's harder when it's your own mum.
My mum gets so hurt/annoyed about it but I get really pissed off.
Lets face it, she smells like a bag lady once she has been out for a cig then comes in and cuddles kids.

I used to get so stressed when they were little babies and she would see it in me then act all hurt and wait until she got 'permission' to pick them up.

It just makes life stressful for new mums I think but when a smoker has smoked for over 40 yrs and still had the 70's mentallity it's a constant battle.

It is matter of consideration- people who are considerate, would have no problem refraining from smoking from whatever period you think is reasonable for the safety of your child. Inconsiderate people, react differently to any request they perceive somehow puts them out, since they are of course only considering themselves.

Why even research the research? It is your right as a parent to request your mil either follows your request or misses out on what she desires. It is your child's right to be protected from the many inconsiderate members of the human race who cross her path, as much as you can, till she can choose for herself.

Incidentally we just got out of hospital with a baby that has had a chest infection. Every paedaetrician asked 'Does anyone smoke in the house or has your baby been around anyone who smokes?'

They also made a point of saying people should be washing their hands before they handle the baby at this time of year as there are so many bugs going round.
Again considerate people respond to this request. The inconsiderate folk will try to make you feel like the neurotic for asking.

People need to be told, because some people just never evolve into the kind of people you can trust to consider others beyond themself.

Having smoke blown in your face is more offensive.

FNST- glad to hear you are a considerate smoker. The op MIL does not sound like this.However many would suggest that simply smoking on your couch, even when your kids are in bed is in the end a supremely selfish act, as is showing your kids that smoking is a possibility for them. After all you are their role model.Many would suggest that doing something that has been proven to cause cancer in many smokers, is also stupid.

I am in favour of higher NI for anyone who does things that abuse their body/health. I think that would motivate us all to get the help to quit our damaging habits. As someone with a stone to lose I would also have to pay more. Why should people who follow health advice and refrain from acts that have been proven to damage health have to subsidise a health service for those who do not.A friend who works in the NHS explained how much the NHS would save if the smoking related cases were eliminated. It was billions.
Think how that money could be used to help people with conditions they have no control over.
I know smokers are addicts and need help but to not seek help or try to quit, is indeed selfish and stupid in my opinion, unless what you are doing will not affect anyone else. Once you have kids you are no longer in this category.

When I worked with smokers pre ban they routinely smoked around me when we had breaks.Until that ban came in, I found smokers rarely considerate.They put their fix first.Addiction.

Oh I keep seeing you and thinking you're me!

And people keep calling me fright.

there may be some confusion...

Look FNST I am no martyr.I can also be as selfish as the next person but I really try to avoid habits that will aversely affect people around me.

I am a stone overweight so I may be a burden on the NHS one day from my over indulgence. I could say it is babweight but 9 months on I would be lying to myself and i try to be honest and straight with myself and others. I am committed to shedding that weight and I hope in the mean time it does not affect others around me.

Your kids will see other smokers indeed but those people are not their parents who they look to, to set an example on which habits they may choose to form.Perhaps they too will only become 'social' smokers since this is what they see you do.How will you feel if they do?

Choosing to unwind with a cigarette on an evening, in a way that your kids must be aware is actually not just your business. Once you have kids there only is the family business. You are no longer a single unit.You need to stay alive for others you have brought into the world.

When smokers have blown smoke in my face, i have a right to stick my nose in 'their business' as they are forcing their addicted health damaging choice upon me.
When another's business interferes with my enjoyment of the air i need to breathe(in your case it is your kids' air) it is the smartest thing to do, to; i quote you here.......stick my nose in.

i hear alan carr is very effective!

Am feeling about why the thread is blowing up....

OP: situation is easier because you know so many smokers, it's not like it's just one or 2 people who you know. So I'd just tell them all the blanket rule well before the birth (30 minutes sounds good to me) about holding after a ciggie. Say it with a big smile.

Smokers stink after a fag, even a fag outside, if they never realise it!

Let's just put the health risks to one side for a moment - the sickly smell of tobacco on someone's breath, and the smell of smoke on their clothes, skin and hair is extremely unpleasant and makes non-smokers feel quite queasy. Finding it 'icky' is good enough reason. Trust me, if her baby could talk he'll be telling you he finds it 'icky' too!!!

An adult has the choice to move away from the offending person, and NOT to kiss them. A tiny baby doesn't. And people tend to hold babies very close to their faces.

YANBU. Smokers who are out to make you feel precious and unreasonable need to stop being so defensive and see a bit further than their own persecution complexes.

As far as your own in-laws go, they probably will think you are being a bit precious, and uppity - nothing you can do about it I'm afraid. Just ask as politely as possible, explain how you feel calmly and reasonably, don't use inflammatory or emotive language, and don't let it escalate into a situation where they feel snubbed by you.

And your baby will be gorgeous.

just tell them no smoking at your house. Glad my mum had finally given up smoking by the time my DCs had come along as it would have caused major rows as she was an extremely inconsiderate smoker and I'm very anti. My sister wasn't so lucky and had mum sitting feeding her babies with a fag in her hand and would say if she couldn't smoke in front of them then she wouldn't be seeing them. Don't compromise on your feelings regarding this - you'll only resent them and fume!

Smokers are not 'out to make OP feel precious and unreasonable'. OP is not particularly precious and unreasonable, IMO, but she is rude and self righteous, and her attitude of disgust doesn't bode well for the future relationship between OP and her in-laws. It's nothing to do with her what people do their bodies, whether it's smoking or failing to lose baby weight quickly enough. Fair enough set a rule. But have a bit of humanity with it.

That should be 'set a rule to protect her family to her own satisfaction'.

Wukterwood

It is to do with her what people do to their bodies if it affects her baby's body.

It is to do with all of us when people do something to their bodies that means we pay for it and the doctors and nurses pay by having to attend to people with smoking related diseases rather than ailments which have not been directly caused via someone's choices.

That's what I mean misslc, setting a rule that protects her baby is fair enough. But being all disgusted is heartless, ime, it won't do her relationship with her inlaws any good which will negatively impact on her child.

I'm not going to get into a debate about costs to the exchequer except to point out that a)smokers pay huge taxes on cigarettes and will probably not collect much pension, and B) every car ride, cream bun, sunny day in the park, sexual encounter, carries a risk that you may subsequently require medical care.

Wow, how things change over the course of a generation. My mum used to smoke while BFing me - and now claims not to have known at the time the health implications. Obviously, we now know that this is awful.

Fast forward a generation and, as a smoker, I wouldn't dream of smoking anywhere near my own or anyone else's DC's. I don't often smoke during the day, but on the odd occasion I fancy one, it's outside and I wash my hands afterwards. And yes, I do enjoy that relaxing moment.

I just can't understand how we've reached this point whereby it's deemed utterly unacceptable to even smoke outside, far away from a baby.

So, to OP, by all means set your own house rules with regards to your own baby. I really hope your IL's are not that selfish and inconsiderate that they would be offended to be asked to step outside. To be asked, however, to refrain from any subsequent contact with the baby for a further 30 minutes, however, is IMHO, a little bit OTT.

Smokers keep exhaling some of the chemicals they inhaled for a fair while after they had the ciggie, this is one of the reasons they smell of it even after just one fag.

I guess OP is being a bit precious, but if ever there was something to be precious about, it's a newborn baby, no?

This BBC article mentions relevant research. There's a lot of advice around online about how smokers should wait an hour after smoking before holding a baby, but I don't know if that's based on actual research or just a stab in the dark guess.

its recommended that after a fag adults should leave it 20 mins b4 handling the babe.