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Parenting

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Original poster

Row with my mother over dinner

23 replies

sweetheart · 11/09/2005 20:25

I just wanted to come on here and vent really as I'm quite upset.

Just been to mums for sunday dinner and had yet another run in over mine and dh's parenting techniques.

Dd was not eating her dinner (she is a bad eater). We made her get down from the table and told her only people eating can sit at the table. We also told her no pudding to which she started laying on the floor and crying.

My mum got up from the table crying and said she couldn't watch us treat dd this way - which of course made dd worse!!

When my mum returned to dish up pudding she asked us - in front of dd - if she was allowed some.

We left almost immediatly after dinner as I was so shocked that a 60 year old woman could have such an over reaction.

This is the 3rd time she has made me feel like a terrible parent recently and being 7 months pregnant - it's not something I need at the moment.

She has told me I'm too hard on dd - if I am it's because thats the way I was raised!!!!

It's also brough to light just how much dd is allowed to get away with when she is being looked after by my mum which is worrying - dh's alcoholic mother is starting to look like a better grand parent at the moment!!!!

I'm just so that my mum thinks I'm doing such a crap job!!!

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Dior · 11/09/2005 20:26

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 11/09/2005 20:28

This sort of thing is just so frustrating. It doesn't sound like you're being too tough at all, you're setting (reasonable) rules and sticking to them, that's what parents do.

Heathcliffscathy · 11/09/2005 20:29

sweetheart....classic case of grandparentitis....inability to grasp the fact that you are the parent and actually you do love your children more than they efver could....thanks

seriuosly big windup, but totally typical....try to let it wash over you if you possibly can, you sound like you're a greeat parent and gps often just want to be seen as the goodie....

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Angeliz · 11/09/2005 20:30

sweetheart, my mam thinks i'm too hard on my dd too.
She once siad that i'm like a School teacher with her and i cryed all night (i was pregnant too at that time) but she then adores taking dd out as she's so well behaved!

I'm sure she doesn't really think you're doing a crap job, i know my mam thinlks i'm great despite being too strict (in her opinion).
As long as you're bringing up your daughter how you see fit then try not to let her upset you, Grandparents are always soft!!

Heathcliffscathy · 11/09/2005 20:30

can you talk to her about it: how undermining it is and explain what you're trying to achieve with dd??

Original poster

sweetheart · 11/09/2005 20:33

Thanks. I really value my mum and she has been a tower of support since dd was born. Just in the last few months she been really vocal about how she thinks I'm too hard.

I tired reminding her that it's becuase she was like it with me but - typically - my mother can do no wrong!!!

I just can't believe her reaction today - I think it was totally over the top and I can't stop fuming about it

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Original poster

sweetheart · 11/09/2005 20:34

Last time she had me in tears for a whole morning. I spoke to her about it a few days later and she said sorry.

I didn't think it would happen again.

OP posts:

Dior · 11/09/2005 20:35

Message withdrawn

spidermama · 11/09/2005 20:38

It's possible your mum's reactions are heavily coloured by her her memories of and guilt associated with parenting.

Original poster

sweetheart · 11/09/2005 20:39

yes my hormones are probably making it worse but I think it's insensative of my mother to choose this period in my life to critisise my parenting methods. Dh is also quite upset as it was him that was dealing with dd so he feels like my mum was having a go at him too.

OP posts:

Dior · 11/09/2005 20:42

Message withdrawn

unicorn · 11/09/2005 20:43

I really sympathise with you, and totally understand how you feel - we all want our parents to support our parenting (ie tell us we are doing ok) don't we?

You may want to get her this book (written by a mumsnetter I do believe - and with much mumsnet wisdom)

granny guide

If she is receptive enough, she may read it and possible become a little more thoughtful.

unicorn · 11/09/2005 20:45

alternatively, there was an article in the Telgragh this w/end (can't find a link) that gives an idea.

Original poster

sweetheart · 11/09/2005 20:46

thanks - will think on this.

Dh is insisting I go and calm down now. Will be back tomorrow though!

OP posts:

hatstand · 11/09/2005 20:51

sympathy sweet-heart. the way you handled things was entirely reasonable - thousands of children are brought up with the no main course = no pudding rule. And the most important thing is to be consistent - and not to be undermined. When you are all there I think it's your rules - however, personally I wouldn't worry about your mum having different rules for when she's in charge. I think kids can deal with that - they read adults very quickly and work out teh score and if your mum has different rules I don't think it's too big an issue - when she's in charge. But she can't play about with dd when you're all there - dd needs to know who's in charge and it's you. Not sure that's much help...bit more of a random thought...

Mirage · 11/09/2005 22:46

Sweetheart,you have my sympathy.We had to do the 'no pudding if you don't eat your dinner' thing today with dd1.She is a clever girl & a fast learner so we are being quite tough about it.

My parents used to make us sit at the table until we had eaten our meals & nothing else was offered if we didn't at least try to eat what was in front of us.Yet,my dad,who was VERY strict with usabout this,will offer DD1 biscuits if she winges that she's hungry after refusing her meals!

I don't have any advice I'm afraid,but it seems quite common for grandparents to do this.

mymama · 15/09/2005 02:14

sweetheart - both my parents died by the time I was 10 and was I raised by a stepmother who died 2 years ago. My DH doesn't have parents either. To be quite honest I would die to have your problem. I would give my left arm to have a "grandmother" spoil my children. Perhaps a compromise could be that you "parent" your child and her grandma gets to spoil her. God forbid should something happen to your mum you will wish you had!!!!

philippat · 15/09/2005 07:24

sorry to highjack but unicorn - Hugh F-W's mum is a mumsnetter?! really?

mummyhill · 15/09/2005 09:55

Sweetheart - I know how you feel. It's horrid when the grandparents don't back you up.

Had a run in with my MIL last night. DD (3.5) was asked to put her toys away at their house and started throwing a tantrum so I moved her out of the room and sat her on the bottom step telling her that when she calmed down and was prepared to help tidy up she could come back in. |Within seconds FIL and MIL were out in the hall cuddling her and telling her it's ok not to worry and brought her back in. Then they were offering her sweets I was fumming. I am 9 days overdue with number two and really do not need to be undermined as we are trying to teach DD to behave properly before little brother or sister arrives.

ninah · 15/09/2005 10:12

Can't believe she is doing this again! think spidermama has a good point.
Agree with those who say the parenting is your role and the 'spoiling' is for grandmas, but this should be supplementing NOT contradicting the parenting.
dd knows who is in charge here, and you are definitely in the right, don't question yourself in the least,you are GOOD parents

mymama · 15/09/2005 10:28

I guess it depends how often your mum has her. If it is only once a week or less her little bit of spoiling is not going to outdo all of your parenting. If she has her more than once a week then I guess you (I don't know how to say this nicely so here goes..) can't expect your mum to look after her a reasonable amount of time but only follow your rules. I think we sometimes get caught up in the little things. I am strict with my children (probably too much) and I get caught up in the little things. Sometimes we need to take a step back and pick our "battles" and work out if this is going to affect the person they will be. Just my thoughts...

gothicmama · 15/09/2005 10:35

if your mum is looking after her at her house tehy have probably developed their own way of dealing with things . when dd was at my mums I told her that there were rules at home, nursery and nanny's and she had to behave at all places. It also was easier when visiting socially to let the way mum operaated when she was looking after dd to continue even it was sometimes different to teh way we would have dealt with it.

mummyhill · 15/09/2005 10:38

I don't mind the grandparents spoiling the children. My objection is to them undermining us. If I am not there it is to a degree up to them how they handle her behavo=iour. However if I am there and decide to correct her then I expect to be backed up in front of the child, if they don't approve they should tell me later not in front of DD like that. If you tell your child t hat their behaviour was unaceptable then the grandparents should not then be offering them treats/rewards.

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