How do I tell my DD's that their Grandma is dying?

[pocketmonster]

I need some advice please.

My Grandmother is critically ill following a stroke. She is 93 and unlikely to recover.

My DD's are 5 and 6 and have always spent alot of time with her.

They know she is ill - or knew she was ill on Saturday but seem to have forgotten or have thought it was just on Saturday.

How and when do I tell them? Should I tell them she is going to die or should I wait until she has died? (the hospital says that it is only a matter of time)

What if she doesn't die? Should they see her? The change in her is so extreme I think it would frighten them - TBH I don't think that they would even recognise her.

I tend to be open with my children and if they ask a question try to answer it in a truthful way that is appropriate for their age.

But I'm really struggling with this, particularly because I am feeling very emotional myself.

Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give.

How horrible for you all.

What I did when my grandmother was dying was say that granny (so my mum) was feeling very sad because your greatgrandmother is very ill. I said "she is very very old and very ill".

DD (6 at the time) didn't really ask much. If she had asked would she die, I would have said yes, she will.

I think in our case it was different because this was the cumulation of 5 years of dementia and a long slow decline. The children hadn't seen very much of her because she lived a way away, and my mother was adamant that they would be upset by seeing her - she was very unpredictable and not really with it much of the time.

I am incredibly glad that I didn't take dd to see her in hospital in the week before she died. I think seeing her would have scared her. It did me. :(

Basically I emphasised how very very old she was and how very ill. Both the dcs were unfazed really. They didn't attend the funeral.Then about 5 months later my beloved beloved great aunt died, after a very very short illness (which was such a shock to me and to my mother). Again, I explained that she had died like H & H (their 2 greatgrandmothers). They were very accepting.

Children do tend to find their own way to cope I think. We lost my dad in may after he had been I'll with cancer for nearly 3 years. At the end we did keep kids dd1 (5) ds1 (2) out of his room as much as possible as it was horrible for us to have to watch him let alone the kids. Dd1 just decided afterwards that he had gone to help father Christmas and that he somehow sent the rain which she didn't like and blamed him for. Happy for anything that helped her come to terms with it as unfortunately know they probably won't remember him much.

Hi Pooka thanks for replying.

My Gran was totally fit and healthy until she had the stroke on Saturday - very elegant and well dressed, socialised alot, was very chatty and involved with the family.

The stroke has aged her (visually) by about 30 years - she looks very ill, she can't speak properly (altho she is still mentally aware sometimes and can communicate) and she is paralysed down her left side.

My DD1 (6) has recently become quite obsessed with death and people dying, she is a bit of a worrier so I'm quite concerned about telling her.

But I know I am going to have to as they will soon realise they haven't seen her. I think that I am just going to have to take a deep breath and do what you did.

My DD lost both her grandfathers when she was 6. My dad lived a long way from us so she didn't see him very often, but we saw quite a bit of FIL - she'd seen him gradually going downhill for years till by the end he was in hospital. We didn't take her to see him - it would have been upsetting for her but even more so for him - he was quite compos mentis and would have hated for her to have seen him and remembered him at the end.

She was fine - appropriately a bit sad but not really upset, she knew they were both very old and had been very ill.

Pocket, it must be harder - for you too, of course - because its so sudden. But they will be ok - sadly death of grandparents is a normal part of life.

My MIL had a stroke a few months before she died, we had a lot of her getting better before hacving another stroke and getting worse, which was very confusing. We told the dd's (2 and 4) that she was veyr ill adn had something wrong with ehr brain that the doctors couldn't fix very well and so she is finding some things hard.
They went to see her after the first stroke when she went from being active and well to in a wheelchair with only the use of one arm and very slurred speech. We had told them that as she had a problem in her brain she can't move very well and her voice is 'tired'.
They were very wary of her to start with but stayed in the room with us there, after a few days they would give her a kiss etc. MIL found it quite upsetting as they normally clamber all over her but the change was so stark is upset them.

After her last stroke when we knew she was not going to pull through we told dd1 that unfortunatelt the doctors couldn't help her anymore and she would probably die, and that we would all be very sad if this happened but that sometimes the doctors can't help and that is what happened.
We actually took them into hospital the day before she died when she was essentially comatise (against everyone's advice). DH had tucked her in so her morphine driver was hidden and she just looked asleep and they sat by the bed chatting for a bit and then both kissed her goodbye and said bye.

After she died DD1 was veyr matter of fact about it, it was not a shock and they both went to the funeral, crem service and the wake with no ill effects (so far, 6 weeks or so later)

One thing I would say (after that mega waffle, sorry) is that DD1 would not join in a conversation abotu MIL if we brought it up, but she still randomly mentions her in conversation with 'but she's dead now, isn't she mummy, because she wasn't very well' in a blase manner. Don't oversell it, they will accept it.

winstons wish was a great help in what sort of language to use as well (ie, never say someone is 'sleeping' instead of dead)

sorry you are having to face this. What an awful time for you and your family.

I automatically thought that perhaps using the phrase "it looks like she isn't going to get better" rather than "she is going to die"

Children do have an amazing resilience with these things.

scuse spelling, it's still a bit raw. All my sympathy to you for havign to deal with this, it's hard enough without worrying about what to do about the children, I know.

It is normal I know, I remember my Great Gran dying when I was 7, but (to me) she was a scary old lady in a shawl who always sat in a chair and never moved. So I didn't have a relationship with her so it wasn't a big trauma for me. I know it will be different for my DD's.

Ilythia - thank you so much for posting your experience.

I think you have all made me realise that I am just scared of telling them and my usual rule of being honest and open still applies. So I will do it after school tomorrow.

Thanks again for the replies, I really do appreciate them.

pocket, you are welcome, I found MN a massive help all the way through so am happy to pay it back.
One thing we did was agree that I took the lead in explaining 'things' to the dd's as, although I was still devestated, I was that step further away and foudn ti easier than DH to talk about. Maybe wortha thought?

He did insist on being the one to tell dd1 that MIL had died though.

Anothre thing (sorry) I read a tribue to MIL at her funeral and broke down at the end. The DD@s both saw me lose it and I was worried about them seeing me so upset but dd1 has spoken about it and it helped ehr see that you can be sad about things, like it is allowed iyswim, so don't try and protect them too much, seeing grownups cry isn't always a bad thing.

Thanks Ilythia - MN can be great - you've given me food for thought. I hope you're ok.

Children see situations like this in 'black and white' whilst we, as adults sit in the horrible grey area in the middle, filled what 'what ifs' and 'I wish I had...' I think that honesty is vital - according to the age of the child. I also cant see any problem with our children seeing us cry when we are sad. We are simply teaching them that is an emotion we feel when we are missing someone. I do think that talking about the 'do you remember when' stories is vital. Im so sorry for your awful situation and am sending my love and thoughts xx

That's sweet of you to ask pocket, we are okay, it was a long drawn out process, she had her first stroke 8 months before she died so we had a lot of time to get to used to it.
Shabbs says what I wanted to say in a much better way

Hello again.

Shabbs thanks and you're very right. I told my DD's tonight and they just accepted it, no tears or upset just quiet for a minute or two, some questions and then just acceptance. I have realised that I had assumed they would feel all of the same emotion, confusion and angst that I feel at the moment. But basically, mummy has told them that Gran is ill and because she is very old the doctors can't make her better and that is the way it is. DD1 is a bit quiet and looking for closeness but not in a bad way.

Thanks MN - you're a wise and compassionate bunch and you've helped me no end.

I would just like to say you are right not to take them to visit.
My 12 and 14 year olds were dreadfully shocked when I made the mistake of taking them to visit my father in the hospice during his last days. I wish I had left them with pleasanter memories.

When we had a relative who was ill we didn't tell the children anything. It then all happened very quickly. We got the diagnosis one afternoon so the next day when DH went to visit we told the children that GN was ill and Daddy was going to see her. Then when Daddy came home we sat them down again and said she had died. We knew it wasn't going to be a long situation and also didn't want the children worrying for longer than necessary.

I hope you are okay.

Hi again.

Well, she contracted pneumonia and died on Sunday morning. The funeral is being arranged. My DD1 (6) is very upset, particularly because she didn't see her Grandma before she died.

DH and I think that it may be a good idea for her to go to the funeral - but are really very undecided. Does anybody have experience of this? Is it a really bad idea? The reason we are considering it is because my DD seems to need to 'finalise' this. The last time she saw her Grandma she was well and active, I think she is finding it hard to adjust to and is very tearful.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, finding things a bit difficult this week.

Thanks in advance.

Sorry about your grandmother.
Check out the bereavemnet board as there are threads about taking children to funerals.
My boys were about 6 and 8 when their grandma died and I didn't let them go. I said it would be a sad day with lots of grown ups feeling very sad.
With hindsight I was wrong. DS2 in particular still complains that it was unfair not to let him go and he's nearly 13 now.
So I think that if you prepare her for what will happen and you can cope yourself you could take her.

Thanks inthesticks that has kind of reinforced what I was thinking.

Oh pocket, I am sorry.
I think it is a decision only you and your daughter can make but FWIW we took the DD's, as they are that much younger, but the Dnephews are 6 and 9 and after my SIL spoke to them they decided that they didn't want to go, so they came to the wake but not the service, that way they got to 'finalise' stuff with the family in a better mood than they were in the service/crem and it was more reminiscing etc.

I was 10 when my godfather died and I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral (or even given a choice). I am still upset about missing that especially as I hadn't been allowed to see him when he was very ill.