if you have 3 or more children help me make my mind up on having my 3rd!

[neverlookback]

Hi Help im going out of my mind trying to decide if we should have another baby,im 31 and dp is 42, i have dd1 who is just 5 and just started school, she is from my previous marriage. and we have ds1 who is almost 2 and due to start nursery in nov 3 morn a week, im a sahm which i like most of the time but do feel very isolated and quite bored sometimes, i feel like im skiving off work and that people think less of me for not working sometimes. we are financially secure and have a large enough house.
My children a full on but fantastic although ds was a nightmare baby and i did find adjusting to 2 children quite hard, but now its all good. Dp would love another child and i understand what that feels like to want 2 as this is what i was like before i had my son, but as i now have 2 the urge is not as strong because im a bit anxious of if ill be able to cope with 3 under 6 and god its so stressfull at times, and dp works long hours sometimes so i do pretty much everything and just as our lifes are getting a bit settled we are going to start all over again, but im in the perfect position, i dont have to work, will have some free time to myself to rest while im pregnant and i know that after the first 6 months it does get easier.
Any advice on what its like going from 2 to 3?
i do want to but i do also feel like i would be mad too.

anyone want to help me make up my mind for good???
im a really indecisive person and i totally over anaylyse everything!

Pooka - sorry! I do generally feel that it's worth the work.

Sneakapeak - can you get an appointment with an Obstetrician (consultant at your hospital), to talk about potential probs in another pg? I had praevia in pg2 and then horrendous problems with pg3. If I'd known what we'd go through I wouldn't have got pg again. I'm kind of glad I didn't know, though ...

Sorry, I don't mean to put everyone off, I just think it is better to go into things with your eyes open (mostly).

why what happened fruitful

We have 3. When number 3 was born it was okay as my others were still small. They are older now and fight a lot so it is harder. I am hoping it will get easier...

What age are they phipps

5.4, 7.2 and 9.7.

I have 5. I never had 3 as numbers 3 & 4 were twins. I LOVE it but DS3 (DC5) was a nightmare as he had serious reflux and would choke and stop breathing. We got zero sleep. It was horrid. However, after the first horrific year of no sleep and constant hospital trips, everything settles and it is fantastic!!

You said 'i feel like im skiving off work and that people think less of me for not working sometimes'
I also am a SAHM and we need to think if WE are happy doing it. I know it is hard to not think of other people's opinion of us but it really doesn't matter!! I managed to shake that off years ago luckily and am sure you will as you become more confident in your role. You are not skiving at all, it's a valuable job being a SAHM.

I would say go for it. Big families are fabulous. i always wonder what 3 would be like, if it was just nice before chaos hits!! (I found 4+ chaos!!)

Echo lots of commments - maryz's first post is right. Having the third was far easier than adjusting to either the first or second.
I was so convinced I went on to have another planned 4th baby! (But I must admit the 5th was a complete accident!).

What age are your DD's shandybass? Just curious.

Im a SAHM now and have never let peoples opinion on that one bother me too much.

I actually now (after 2 yrs of being a SAHM) have come to realise that the only ones who do comment/question are the ones who aren't too comfortable/happy with their own situation and may even be jealous.

I know lots of working mums, part and full time who are happy as they are and don't seem bothered enough to question me.

On the other hand the ones who I realise are discontent are the ones with the furrowed brows asking when im going back to work . Sod them. Do exactly as you want, you only get one life.

neverlookback try to think about who is saying what to you and im sure you will notice the same trend .

what fruitful said:

"3 children has tipped the balance from copable to chaos. 3 feels like relentless bloody hard work in a way that 2 never did. 3 children all competing for my attention at 3:15 - aagh!"

This is exactly how I have found 3 . I loved being a mum of 2 but have found the last 18 months since having DC3 incredibly hard. I honestly thought it would be as maryz described - I expected no.3 would just slot into the family...

BUT I also totally agree with "People rarely regret the child they had, but the one they didn't have is another matter"

I don't regret having 3, I LOVE her to bits and I was desperate for my third baby BUT I have found it harder and more challenging than I ever expected.

Sneakapeak - with ds2 I had placenta previa again, but also placenta accreta. 10 weeks on the antenatal ward, massive haemorrhage at 33 weeks, baby born via vertical cs under 12-hr GA, me in intensive care, baby in NICU, didn't see him for 3 days. Oh, and I had a hysterectomy.

We're fine now. Ds2 has no apparent problems and I quite like not having periods!

I do feel like we're starting to come in to a good time again now. They are 8, 5.5 and ds2 will be 3 in December. We've just been away for the weekend and looked around museums, and sat and watched a planetarium show, and ate out in cafes. The children (mostly) all get on together, and it is beginning to feel manageable - almost as if we have a life .

On the SAHM front - I have no intention of going back to work when ds2 starts school. I'll have been a SAHM for over 10 years by then, and I intend to sit on the sofa and read books and drink hot tea. For a bit.

We have 3, dd aged 4.5, ds 19 months, dd 4 months. It is wonderful but extremely tiring. Dd2 is great tis the boy that is the trouble. Go for it, I love flopping on the sofa at the end of another busy day - go for it!

MaryZ you are so right.

I have 5 now altogether, and going from 2 to 3 was a very easy transition, much easier than from 1 to 2. Older two were 5 and 2 when DC3 arrived. They were a lovely little group and with a bit of adjustment of expectations holidays and little outings were nice, albeit cheap; life in general became quite -- 'informal' I think is a good word, and stayed that way for a bit. You learn to simplify while at the same time getting more organised, tending more robotically to what needs doing and shedding those elements of your life that are just taking and not adding value. We got a bigger car and moved into a house from an apartment when DC3 was about 6 months old, so there are practical issues, maybe more for some than for others.

You do have to put a bit more effort into you and the DH as a couple, both of you, when you have small DCs, but I think that goes for couples no matter how many children there are. Remember to be kind to each other, and try to make a little time for just the two of you, even if it's just a cuppa in the morning together before the madness breaks out. [hwink]

If your DH wants another child, then that is a really great bonus, and bodes well.

I had a few mcs between DCs 1 and 2, and had a very straightforward pregnancy with DC3 which was a nice surprise. I found each pregnancy was very different, and each delivery too. For DC2 I had the mcs and another health problem just behind me, then threatened placenta previa (never came to pass in the end), some early spotting, and horrendous morning sickness. DC3 was a horrible experience for nausea also, but nothing more alarming.

Slightly differnt I have 4 dc with gap between them but going from 1-2 was harder than 2-3 then 3-4 .
Now juggle 4 as single parent have for last 4 years

if do would and so would you go for it life be chaotic a while but fun

But it is possiable you can juggle dc differnt needs just takes more planning and thought oh and there's a company that specialises in rooms for 5

My bugbear I'd I now need 2 rooms as ds1 and ds2 don't want to share with mum any more

Hi Fruitful - we were on the AN thread together (I think i was katyt then), DS2 is 3 in January.

And I am pg with DC3, due in April, so i really hope that it/he/she is chilled & laid back and fits in.

But then I've always planned on 4...

Sneakapeak You hit the nail on the head there for me 'I just don't think I'm cut out for 3 even though I wish I was'.

That is just how I feel, I know that in lots of ways I would not regret having that third wonderful child, but in all sorts of practical and emotional ways I also know it could well tip me over the edge.

I have made the decision to spend the next 18 years looking after my 2DC in relative(!) calm, rather than have a 3rd and tip myself over the edge and turn myself into a stressy shouty mum for the rest of my children's lives.
I like the fact that my life is getting slowly easier every day, and the thought of having a baby again is quite awful (it is the thought of having another older child that tempts me)

Hello! I can't believe they're nearly 3 already. When did that happen? Congrats on DC3! (you shouldn't be on this thread you know, the deed is done)

(I know! and after nights like last night I do think I must be mad!)

Another one who's really torn here.

We've always thought we'd go for 3 but 2 has been absolute chaos and now DS2 is 2 life is finally getting a bit more straightforward and I just don't know if I can face another baby again. Can totally see where you're coming from Kitpuss - sticking to the the relative calm of 2 is really tempting. But then because I've always had 3 in my head I think I'll feel like someone's missing.

I like what maryz said, just wish I could be sure it would work out like that for us. DS2 was such a difficult baby in so many ways and if we got another one like him I'm not sure how we'd get through it. And I hate the thought of being so exhausted and stressed that I wouldn't really be available for the other two for however many months/years it took for life to restabilise. But then I love the thought of the 3 of them running round together a bit further down the line.

Such a hard decision...