How to instill high self esteem to children when you have fairly low self esteem/confidence yourself?

[JumpingJellyfish]

Title says it all really. I know too well how important high self esteem and self confidence is for all children, and how having good self esteem has bolster them throughout life, and that self esteem is often affected by early years experiences etc etc.

However, I have pretty low self esteem and self confidence and am very self critical and often doubtful of my ability to do many things, which can lead to me feeling pretty down at times (in spite of being academically a high achiever etc.). I really want to avoid my 3 children feeling the same way- and I try very hard to not be critical of them etc etc., but as they get older I find this hard at times (e.g. being encouraging not critical of homework etc- especially when balancing a wriggly 10 month old on one knee with a million things to do etc etc).

Any advice on boosting self confidence/esteem very much appreciated. The DCs are 5, 3 and 10 months- but I'm referring mainly to the older 2. I try my best to praise them a lot but I do worry a lot too!!

Hi JJ, I too have very low self esteem and my dh and I can both be shy too. I am always praising my ds, almost 3, make sure I let him know I am listening when he talks. I try never to tell him he's naughty, silly etc but that his behaviour is naughty, silly.
I basically try to not say or do anything negative having grown up with a very negative mother and feel i have learnt alot from her.
We encourage him to talk to people and to ask for things himself. He went through a stage a few months ago of being very shy and unconfident and for a while I was really worried. Luckily he seems to have turned himself around and seems much more confident now.
I think its also important to teach your children how to handle negativity and rejection etc too.
I hope this helps a little.

Bensmum,you could have written that about me!my DD-3-is the most confident outgoing kid in her group,Im the total opposite .Ive always made sure she asks for things herself ,puts herself forward and does things without me(but she always knows Im right there if she needs me)She has grown up kind ,helpful and aware of herself and others-my only issue is I may have pushed her the other way and she is overly friendly .I do find myself trying not to sound like my mum and then I find Im saying the right things!JJF you may surprise yourself and find you pick up some of your childrens confidence and self esteem-its a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy!

I think it can work the other way. My mum was terribly shy and used to send me into shops to take things back etc because she was too nervous. I'm now totally unshy and will just go get on with things. So don't beat yourself up.

Thanks ladies, good advice. So far thankfully DS (5) is very friendly/sociable and confident, though had some moments during his first year in primary school where he seemed to lose confidence particularly with challenging school work, but think we've got over that stage. My DD1 (3) however has the tendency to be very quiet in groups, though isn't at home, and she's very sensitive to any negativity. I worry that she shows similar traits to me and wouldn't want her becoming doubtful of herself and the constant odd one out the way I was as a child. It's hard balancing what are natural personality traits with instilling confidence...

Out of interest, how much do you blame your own lack of self esteem on your own upbringing? I lack confidence and am self critical despite like you having very high academic achievement for example. I live constantly waiting to be 'found out'!! My Mother lacks confidence too. But I don't know if I would have fitted this personality profile regardless, to one extent or another? I am exactly like you though, I want to pass on self confidence to my children. I think maybe the best thing to do is to try to model the behaviour as best as you can. If that means that you find yourself often pretending to be more confident than you feel that might be a good thing as that can often translate to feeling more confident, over time, perhaps? Also, my Mother apologises for herself a lot, far far more than is necessary. I notice myself doing it and one of my sister's but not both of them. I am really trying to stop doing that!

There's a really good book about this: Super powers for parents by Stephen Briers

Sorry if link doesn't work- I'm on my phone!

Another one here: low self-confidence despite being, probably, above average. However my DC are wonderfully confident people.

I made a decision early on to expose them to lots of normal people, i.e. not their mum, so that they would learn behaviour from others. I worked on the 'it takes a village to raise a child' philosophy and it seems to have worked for them. I went back to work and left them in childcare where they mixed with other grown-ups and children. They have always been involved in lots of clubs and extra-curricular stuff - this has the benefit that they are exposed to others but also they develop skills that give them self-confidence eg if you know that you are good at something, eg tennis, then you feel good about yourself generally.

BondJamesBond yes I do wonder how much is just genetics and how much was upbringing, but my Mum us outgoing (perhaps too much so, bless her!) though I think has had periods of very low self esteem. My sister is bubbly, well adjusted and self assured. I am studious, love solitude, have to gear myself to handle new situations (though I have to do this a lot) and constantly self critical. Who knows eh! My mum & step dad were fairly critical of me as I grew up, and I do apologise a lot when I don't need to, but not sure that's directly related. I too now force myself to chat to other parents at the school gates etc. when I'd rather shy away and I do have a circle of good friends with children of their own who we mix with quite often. I think it's important that your children see the parents socialising.
But more than the level of sociability I think I am concerned by how self critical and anxious my children become, as this has been always my downfall.... Ok am rambling now!