Not coping well with DD1 and new baby

[Bumperlicious]

DD1 is 3.3, DD2 is 3 weeks. DH back to work and i am struggling. Not getting much sleep with DD2 so my patience is at an all time low.

DD1 is being fine, if over exuberant with DD2, but being completely disobedient. Doesn't help that she is being constantly told 'no, not while the baby is feeding/asleep', nagged for constantly making a mess etc. but i am really struggling with her.

I'm finding it really hard to warm to her, when i just want to sleep or snuggle up with dd2. that's awful isn't it?

she is at nursery 2 days a week and i find myself counting down the days till nursery day. We are getting out and about, seeing friends, going to the library etc. but quite frankly i just want to stay at home and sit on the sofa. going out is such a hassle trying to get anywhere on time between feeding dd2 (which is still a bit painful), sorting dd1 out, getting snacks/drink/change of clothes ready. i'm knackered. but i feel so guilty about dd1, I'm being a shit mother, no wonder she is acting up.

not sure what i need really. just to know it gets better. i'm not enjoying this and it's only been 3 weeks. how am i going to cope with 9 months?!

I think this is usual

DS was 3.5 years when DD arrived

He turned into the tasmanian devil when I sat down to feed

I got lots of good ideas from MN to deal with it including snacks and a drink for him before I sat down to feed, making sure i had 1-1 time with him when DD was asleep, plenty of beebies too

Even if we only went out to post a letter, it got us out of the house and DS could choose a treat on the way home

I would put DD in a sling so I could take DS out on his bike and stuff

It is very early days and you are knackered

I was EBF and DD fed 2 hourly day and night at this age so I feel your pain

It does get better so do whatever it takes now to make life easier

I have to say those sleepless nights are a hazy memory already and DD is only 1

It's going to get better. This is the hardest time, you have only just had a baby, your body hasn't recovered yet. But your dh has gone back to work and you feel as if you should be getting back to normal and you're not ready yet. I'd suggest a lot less getting out and about for a couple of weeks - can you invite some friends round to your place instead? Tell them to bring sandwiches, cakes, and make their own cups of tea. You are just expecting too much of yourself.

Your dd2 is still learning to feed, she will get quicker, it will get easier for you, and she will do it less often. She will sleep more and you'll be less tired. In 3 more weeks you'll probably be much more ready to face the world. Just give it time.

And if you're a bit more patient with yourself I bet you'll find you have more patience with dd1 too.

IT GETS BETTER. This will be your mantra. Repeat it often.

Use television and chocolate liberally - this is an exceptional part of life, you can get back on track in the fullness of time.

A day has been a resounding success if everyone has been dressed and fed at some part of the day. If you leave the house you get extra points.

Your DD is 3 and therefore can spot a weakness when she sees one (she's the same age as my DD) so will exploit the new baby as much as she can. Try and make some time for her when the baby is sleeping to do something together. It should be something very simple that preferably you can do sitting or lying down eg: reading a story, watching a DVD, doing a jigsaw. NOT baking/painting etc.

Sounds like you are doing a really good job and managing to get out lots which is fantastic. Hope it improves soon.

Also, I found soft play to be money well spent. If things are really bad ours does food so you can have lunch there and not even need to make a sandwich.

It gets better. I promise.

Don't feel that you have to get out every day. If you cannot be bothered one day then sit at home on the sofa, stick Cbeebies on and snuggle with your girls.

You are not being a shit mother, I am impressed that you are out and about so much already.

I have an 18month old and 3 week old. (4weeks tomorrow)

Ds1 has been fine with ds2 and is is generally fin. As when baby is sleeping I make myself get up and do things with ds1 no matter how knackered I am.

My problem also comes when I'm feeding. He knows when ds2 is attached to the boob I can't just get up so that's when he starts ripping things out of cupboards, throwing his drinks around etc.

He has now gone back to non spill cups until he learns not to throw them around and tbh I really cannot be assed to be constantly nagging/shouting at him so one cupboard is now full of old newspaper/magazines which he can rip up till his hearts content and it only takes me 2mins to pick it up and throw it in recycle.

I put baby in my room to nap as I don't think it's fair to be telling my toddler he can't be doing things he normally does because the baby is sleeping.

Try to get out at least once a day, even if it's an hour in the garden or 10 mins to the shop. It is hard but it's so worth it for ALL of you to get that few minutes of fresh air. I find putting baby in a sling quicker.

I get so bored holed up at home so I do just randomly pop into town and just spend an hour drinking a coffee or somehing.

To make it easier I always pack the change bag In the evening with everything I need for a day out. First hing in the morning when I gt my toddler up, I wash and dress him before doing anything else. Then get him sorted with breakfast while I do the baby.

Even if your not planning on going out, doing all this will be more likely to make you go out because you know that all you have to do is get yourself washed and dressed and off you go.

Good luck. I really hope the painful feeding settles down soon and don't worry, I'm told it does get better!

I feel for you, my dc are 3 year apart and for my maternity leave we had the same setup with nursery.
what helped us enormously were the activities the local library offered (arts and crafts and singing), the local playground, long walks every day, one o'clock club, etc.
but if you don't feel like going out, just don't.
and at home cbeebies are your best friends...

The thing is at the moment I don't want to do 1-1 stuff with her. It worries me how I feel, all my focus is on the new baby. God, no wonder she is behaving badly.

I thought it wouldn't so bad, the loss of freedom & personal space as I've already done it. but actually it's surprising just how much freedom I'd got back before DD2. I've no time to myself, no break (any time in the evening is spent sleeping where possible).

Another thing driving me mad is DD1 hanging all over me, trying to kiss/cuddle me, putting her feet on me. with one child semi permanently attached to me I just need some personal space.

God I need a good slap! what a horrid mum I am.

Sorry about all the typos. On an iPhone and feeding ds2

I have a 3 and a 1 year old and a six week old, i totally get you.

I arrange with my husband to slope off upstairs to be on my own between 5 and 6.30.
i get supper ready earlier in the day, so whrn he walks in from work it s all ready and a glass of wine. I get up in time to help with baths. That little sleep lasts me into the night then for feeds.

i go to a lt of play groups too, if i stay at home everyone ends up screaming at each othger by 3pm.

I think it was when my youngest was 3weeks that it peaked and was awful, i over reacted and upped my game and by week 5ish had adapted. It might take longer for your daughter to adapt though.

Wow pixie, you sound like you are holding it together much better than I am! I thought I was doing really well but after a night of 2 hourly feeding I'm just a bit on the edge, am crying now at these replies, for about the 4th time today.

I'm not like this everyday (the crying) just the lack of sleep is catching up on me.

Yes I can relate to everything you say Bump

When my DC2 came along I felt like you. I think a lot of mine was tiredness and hormones. It's exhausting. How about a special movie afternoon with Disney and popcorn and she can snuggle up beside you? Can you read her a book whilst feeding the new baby? Do you have a treasure box for feed times?

Even now if my DD starts clamering all over me and being silly or acting up, I suggest she has some quiet time in her room with some special toys that are kept in there to give me a short while to drink a cuppa and gather my patience again She see's it as a treat as I have a big crate of Sylvanian Family (mine from childhood) in a cupboard that I get out for these occassions for her.

I do have other ideas but my two are causing havoc next door and I need to see what they're up to...

Actually my mum has a box of sylvanian family stuff she got from freecycle for dd. i will get her to bring it up.

how do you keep it for feeding time? do you keep it out of reach? i had planned to make a treasure 'bag', i really must finish it at the weekend.

right, got to go and pick the little treasure up from nursery. dh working till 7 so have to do tea time myself.

dh is being great btw, but frustrated he can't do more to help e.g. with the feeding/sleeping.

thanks for the sympathy and replies btw

I dunno it's just kept in the cupboard and comes out here and there when she needs some quiet play in her room and I need a rest. It just happened that way, if she asks for it at other time I'm always happy to get it out for her, she always plays nicely in her room with it. Maybe it was luck?

You could easily introduce it with big pomp and fuss for feed times for the special big girl to play with. As she's so big and such a good girl etc. Really praise her etc?

im typing one handed but i feel your pain!!! i have a 3 yr old ds and a 2 wk old dd, it is so hard and imo such a head fuck. i feel guilty no matter what i do, will reply properly later.

I think what you're saying and feeling is totally normal. You probably spent much of your pregnancy worrying whether you'd love dc2 as much as dc1 and not just see him/her as an interloper.

And then, wham, dc2 arrives and suddenly it is dc1 who is the imterloper.

It's not surprising, really. Your hormones are telling you to bond with your baby and your body is telling you to rest and recover. Your energetic toddler isn't really conducive to either.

When my younger dc - now 7 mo - was tiny, I actually quite enjoyed the night feeds - in a masochistic, sleep-deprived way - because at that dark, quiet time it was just me and her.

Your dd1 still needs you; she's still a little girl. And, I know you know that; I just think that we sometimes need to hear the obvious! One day - a lot sooner than you think - she'll stop being the wedge between you and your baby. Unfortunately you just have to be patient and kind - to youself and her - until that happens.

FWIW my overwhelming feeling now is that, rather than one child or another being somehow excluded or in the way, my dc2 completed our family circle. And I don't think I had much sense of that at all in those early, bleary, weary days.

Good luck to you. You'll get there!

Bump tbh I don't have a choice. Dp works away 12 days out of 14 and if I give myself chance to sit down and take it all in I would probably crumble.

I get what you mean about the attention seeking from the older one when all you wanna do is sit down for 5 mins and have a cup of tea etc. If ds1 does that then I try to distract him, read to him, ask him to get me something, throw him a snack I also have cbeebies on far more than I should but hey, you know, anything to get through the day.

There's nothing wrong with having a little cry to yourself but like everyone else said, and i'm also hoping it's true.... It will get better.

Just think in a few months our dc2 will be crawling/walking/running around and they and dc1 will be able to entertain each other. And it will come round quicker than we ever know.

Same age gap here and I felt exactly like you (wanting personal space etc).

What helped:

• When I could, handing baby DS to DH so I could do bathtime/stories with DD. This was hard in those early weeks as DS cluster fed and had colic, but when I could, I did.
• a babydoll for DD so we could all change nappies, 'do' feeds together (this led to DD developing an obsession with boobs and sharing 'I am feeding my baby with ymy boobs' with fellow supermarket shoppers.
• Cbeeebies. And more Cbeebies 'Let's watch something together, DD while I feed the baby'.
• As suggested by others, activities like 'baby bounce' at the library, which we could both go along to.
• Do you have a children's centre nearby? They often have activities you can all go along to, so DD can run about and play while you feed DD2.

It WILL get better; it's still early days - things MUCH better here now.

I know where you're coming from and I sympathise. I have a 3 year old DD and 3 month old DS. When my DS was born, I just wanted to sit and cuddle and feed him and enjoy my gorgeous new baby. DD suddenly felt so huge and noisy and intrusive, and there were times when I just wanted her to go away so I could enjoy my new baby. Then of course I felt so guilty for feeling that way. Every time I tried to feed him she would bounce on the bed or clamber all over the sofa, or demand a drink or snack the moment I started feeding him.
Things are getting better now, and I have learned a few little things to make life easier, eg, asking her before I start to feed if she'd like anything first. It makes her feel important and once she has her drink and snack then I stick on the tv for her. I also have a shower before DH has left for work in the morning so even if they are both crying/whinging, at least I am dressed and feeling a bit more in control than I would in my PJs!
Hang in there, it will get easier. DD does not feel half as annoying to me now as she did a few weeks ago. It takes a while for everyone to adapt, at least 2/3 months I'd say...

My dd was 2.2 when ds was born and, yes, I remember finding her constant chatting, 2 second attention span and constant demands very wearing. I think it's partly the contrast between needing to psychologically and physically adapt to a new baby and wanting to get to know them, and having to have someone calling "MUM" interrupting your thoughts all the time.

It does get easier, try to enjoy the days when dd1 is at nursery (I did!), and you will regain your momentum with her again before too long. DD also did an extra day at nursery a few times when I was ill/knackered/had to go to register baby etc.