No idea what to do - DD bullying DSD

[RockinSockBunnies]

I'm at a complete loss for what to do and really need some advice.

Some background:
I was a single mother to DD (aged almost 10)for nearly nine years. Met DP last year and we're now living together. DP and DD get on great. DP has an autistic son (almost 8), who he shares custody with his ex. We have DSD one week on, one week off. DSD has very odd, difficult behaviour. He's very verbal, shouts a lot, stims, argues, can be very annoying and hard to get along with. He has poor social skills and is unhappy at school.

I know that DD finds it very difficult to suddenly be landed with a whole new family, in particular, with an autistic step-brother. I know she dislikes him and doesn't like him being around. I have to admit that I find it a struggle trying to step-parent him and feel very out of my depth.

Anyhow, have found out today that DD is deliberately bullying and winding DSD up, then denying it. I'd had some suspicions before, when DSD came in sobbing that DD was being mean to him. DD swore adamantly that she wasn't and that he'd misunderstood. I got confirmation today that this wasn't the case, that DD had been chanting 'manky monster' repeatedly to DSD at the weekend, having deliberately smeared bird poo on leaves on the trampoline and then asked DSD to move them out the way - obviously he'd moved them, trodden in the bird poo which DD then taunted him about, making him very upset.

She's also asked him to get something for her, then denied having asked him when he brings it.

I feel sick to my stomach that my DD can be so cruel, when usually she's so caring and sweet. She's never done this before and I have absolutely no idea what to do or say to her. I don't want to have an argument or for her to deny it. I know that she's struggling with the new family situation and don't want to make matters worse.

Does anyone have any advice? Please?

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Does she understand any of his problems? Have you had a chat with her about ASD?
Do you understand anything about ASD yourself? My dd is 9 (asd and learning diff) and I still struggle to understand her somedays.
Also try posting in the special needs section.

Is your DP around when you have dss for the week? Maybe he needs to make arrangements for his son that don't include you. Not necessarily outside the home but he should be present also. So, it's never just you and dd and dss. (At least till you find your feet with dss.)
How did they work it out when you were not around? Presumably he still had the 1 week on and 1 week off arrangement.

I'd punish her massively. She's old enough to know better and I would make it very clear how disappointed you are with her horrendous spite.

I expect better behavior than this from my autistic 7 year old!

I would absolutely tear a strip off her

I would use words like "disappointed" and "ashamed" and "how would you feel" I would ask her how she thinks she could make it better and I would ground her for a month

There are sibling courses run by the NAS or local groups-she could benefit from that. There are books that may help her also.Just go on Amazon or ask on the special needs board here.

I would expect much better behaviour from her too, but I also know how difficult my asd 8 yrold can be.

Are there activities that they can do together that would be a success. My 3 all enjoy swimming and the differences are less marked when they do it.

He is part of your dh and you will love him too, but these things take time and it must be very difficult for you.

I agree - I realise life has quickly become far more difficult for her, and that she must be struggling to adapt, but that doesn't justify this level of nastiness. There need to be consequences, there needs to be a punishment. She cannot feel in any way that she has "got away with it".

Would a book like My friend has Autism help? The series is very good.

My sympathies - you must be feeling all over the place. It's early days though - don't despair :).

Thank you so much for your advice. I'm so disappointed in her behaviour, especially as she's been told about autistic behaviour, has learned about it at school, has explained it to others. I'm also shocked that she can be so cruel. I know that she wishes DSD wasn't around. She's told me she hates him. I'm at a loss as to how to respond.

I guess a key concern of mine is that if I punish her (i.e. ground her), then she'll take her anger out on DSD even more, when I'm not around. I work very long hours, as does DP, so DD and DSD will be at home together with the au pair when we have him for the week.

Sometimes they get on - for example when swimming, or playing on the trampoline. But a lot of the time she just wishes he wasn't around. I don't think I help matters either, since I find it so hard to respond to DSD when he's in public, stimming, shrieking, throwing things in restaurants etc. I'm embarrassed, DSD won't listen, DP doesn't seem to be able to deal with this stuff either, so it's not like a set a great example to DD.

I'll definitely get some of the books from Amazon - thank you for the links. I'll ask our au pair to watch DD like a hawk and try to keep tabs on them.

It's just so sad and stressful

I think you probably need help with handling dsd too.
Dd doesn't shriek, throw things around in restaurants etc. She stimms big time but I can manage it now. If we go to the restaurant and she acts up then we leave. She has learnt not to because she loves eating out!! However, I need to take things to occupy her (in her case a doodle pad and colour pencils with me drawing and bossy socks telling me which colours to use.) (and we order fast, ask for bill well in time etc...) Somehow, dh and I manage to have a conversation in all this!!
Maybe you need to have a chat with dsd's mum, she may have more ideas on what makes him tick.
You need to be able to have fun as a family or your dd will just resent him more and more.

And I really think your dp needs to pull up his socks and learn how to handle his ds too. Dh is like that too and only happy enough to leave me with the nitty gritty everyday dealings but I do insist he is as hands on as time permits. I cannot be the only person in her life who can manage her!! (Sorry if I am assuming too much here...)

DP is, I think, in denial to an extent. He marginalises or tries to make excuses for DSD's behaviour. Or just tells him to 'stop', which he ignores totally.

It's early days in terms of only finally getting an official diagnosis. DSD is in the process of being statemented now. I'm hoping that things might improve from now on and that perhaps we may get more support and input from people who have experience in these matters.

There is no communication between me and DSD's mother. Things are massively acrimonious between her and DP, and she's very, very strange (and I promise I'm not saying that just because she's his ex). She won't respond if DP makes any suggestions to do with ASD, won't read about it, won't deal with it. In a way I wish I had some kind of parental rights, so that at least I'd feel like I could move forward and help DSD. As it is I feel in limbo.

Hmmm, difficult. I was hoping you wouldn't be saying this...
Poor thing... Mum and dad in denial, step-sis who is learning how to have fun at his expense and step-mum in limbo...

You cannot leave your step son with an Au Pair, are you mental? There is no way an au pair would have the experience necessary to deal with your step son alone, let alone your daughter at the same time. And you certainly cannot leave them with the au pair whilst you 'work long hours' - not possible.

What will happen is the au pair will eaither (by necessity) neglect your daughter, neglect your step son, semi neglect them both or rely on your daughter to help with your step son. None of which are acceptable!

I'm confused, you're referring to your step-son as DSD? Doesn't that stand for "darling step-daughter"? Sorry if I have it wrong but I was trying to work my way through your post and had trouble with the cast of characters.

Anyway - as much as it is very hard for your DD to cope with her changed circumstances, she cannot be allowed to bully your step-son. You need to come down hard on her. He can't defend himself, or at least, not adequately. Hopefully being told she has massively disappointed you will have some impact. Could you perhaps revoke privileges? Sorry if I'm just echoing everyone else's advice.

Agree with colditz about the au-pair. If I was in this scenario I would be very uncomfortable leaving dd with a strange woman (you - the dsm) and would assume that you wouldn't know how to handle her. (which is true)
The au-pair is even worse off. Which is why I was saying earlier that your dp has to make time and not rely on you/au-pair for his ds.

At the very least you need someone who is properly trained and knowledgeable. My dd has had a string of tutors, therapists, 1-1's in her life. Most of whom did not know what they are doing. But there are a couple who are worth their weight in gold. I still call them if they are free to babysit etc even though they are not working with her now. You need to find someone who really knows what they are doing. Or one of you gives up/cuts back the day job (as so many parents of disabled kids find they need to do.)
Since you are new on the scene, that would be your dp.

Does your dss get DLA? Anyone getting carers allowance?

Sorry to keep harping on about your dss. I think your dd does need you to be more firm with her and have consequences for her actions.
I just think that the handling of your dss is probably the root of the issue and without resolving this nothing will go away.

I agree re aupair. My ds1 has never showed poor behaviour at school, but can be very difficult at home. I have to work within school hours because he can't cope with afterschool care.It's not just that he may misbehave, it's also that holding himself together for extended hours means that the fall out when he gets home will be massive.

You are asking an awful lot of an aupair. You or dh need to be there if possible.

Special needs does often mean an entire reorganization of your liives and of how you saw your future panning out I'm afraid.

You have to plan everything, be prepared for every outing and ask for any help available.

We do have nicer times, outings and friendly siblings, but we know our limitations.

An awful lot is being expected of your dss too and your dd.

Just come back to thread after being away all yesterday.

I do mean DSS, not DSD. Too many acronyms.

In terms of the au pair, we're extremely lucky that she has experience of special needs, can handle DSS very well and calm him down when necessary, as well as looking after DD. DSD is normally fairly calm and happy when at home - it's going out to public places or events that he doesn't much like. He's at a mainstream primary which he can sometimes cope with, although he's often being sent out of the class to work on his own as he has poor concentration and disrupts the other children.

Also, as we only have DSS every other week, and he's with his father at weekends, then having a Special Needs nanny or similar isn't really feasible, nor could we afford it. DSD gets on with the au pair (who is almost thirty and who also has a degree in child psychology, teaching experience and special needs experience).

Things have calmed down a bit at home. Had v long talk with DD on Monday evening- lots of tears and shouting on her part. She feels aggrieved when DSS comments on any of her behaviour - for example, sucking her thumb, getting up later than him, enjoying different things to him. DSS finds it very difficult to understand and accept that people don't have the same opinions as him or do things differently. DD perceives this as a personal attack by him and wanted to get her own back. She's apologised to him and I'm hoping that she better understands his difficulties.

It's hard too, this week, as DP is away for a week for work (out of the country), so I'm lacking help. But DSS is going to his mother's now til mid-week next week so at least there'll be less conflict.

We get no DLA/Carers allowance or anything. Maybe now that we have an official diagnosis, we may get more help.

Ok, I see thast your au pair is unusually experienced.

Have they got their own bedrooms? I think they need this, and each of their bedrroms needs to be a snctuary, where the other child is simply not allowed in, or to shout through the door.

They have their own rooms. They both wind each other up, though, by singing loudly in the hallway etc.

I'm thinking that a visible large poster of ground rules might be an idea in the house, so that both children have clear rules about what they can and can't do.

Well, they are both going to have to learn that you cannot control what comes out of someone's mouth in another room. TBH this is sounding more and more like my brother and I. In the end I just went out all the time.

This sounds really regimented, but I think you need to take your "ground rules" idea and run with it.

Both children have had a massive disruption to their safe routines, and both (especially DSS) will find it a struggle to come to terms with the changes.

If you introduce a very clear set of rules and timings for things, this will help both understand what is expected of them. I would suggest three big A2ish sized posters, and atleast an hour with the whole family deciding what DD's routine, DSS's routine and the family rules should be. Both DSS and DD need to feel valued in the family, so do give them the opportunity to make or veto rules. They are different ages and have different needs, so separate routines will be needed. This might seem silly, and your family may have survived perfectly well without strict routines before, but it will help DSS to understand what DD is doing and why it is different to him.

It might also be worth implementing some kind of Supernannyesque reward system that reinforces to both children how good it can be to be nice to one another. Always be incredibly consistent with punishments.

Good luck, it is early days, but please do make sure that DD knows when she is in the wrong, it is not fair to a confused little boy who is already passed around to be bullied like this.

Just thought that maybe this link may be of some use for you. They offer support for siblings of children with additional needs.

www.sibs.org.uk/