Please help MIL and IL issue - Very long am very sa

[lala21]

Hello
This is very long but I don?t have anyone else to ask so I would love to hear what your opinions are reg my MIL (GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR) IL?s family etc etc

Background:

DH family very well to do high manners like to think they are considerate bought up properly etc et. When we visit despite always offering to help I do nothing she looks after us amazingly.

Here goes AM SO SORRY ITS SO LONG

When our son was born they came and saw him in hospital and then never visited despite both driving, both retired and always by SIL and her hubby she lives same distance from them as us .( she has no children just 4 cats and a dog)

SIL and her hubby visited when he was 6 weeks old in the feb and then no one visited despite us asking this is despite SIL coming up to London and meeting MIL for shopping and conferences to do with her PhD and I was on maternity leave for a year and at the time lived really close to zone 1 in London so you know she gets off at waterloo she could pop by both of them. So hubby and I have always travelled to them ( and its lovely but getting a bit silly now)

MIL has never in the 4 years we have been together rung me or the house phone evern with DH at homeetc., She rings DH mobile or emails him. DH has told her she should ring the house and she laughs and titters as posh women do when it?s a bit akward.

It upsets me and DH ( well it drives him insane I try and not say too much otherwise I?ll just run my mouth so am biting and biting lip anymore and I won?t have A F*** bottom lip.

We moved house to surrey so we were only and hour and half away lived for a year there helped us move ( thanks am grateful ) and came for son?s first birthday. (
DH has only now told me that his mum and sister were in London over the summer ( we were living in surrey where I knew no one but DH thought it would encourage them to come)

Holiday

When son was 9 months old we all agreed to go to Lakes for holiday DH booked a 10 bed cottage ( space for my mum and sister for a few days we were there two weeks) and invited MIL /FIL / SIL and her hubby. Hubby of SIL desperate to come as its where he grew up and MIL and FIL love walking and outdoors and were apparently really excited to go.

They kept saying they needed to book train tickets etc we offered to drive them. Then all fell through FIL damaged his knee and needed surgery. Fine I have no issue but to ring up and then say that he has had surgery privately and it was so easy and quick to do the week after our holiday started only upset us more as he damaged his knee some 6 weeks b4 holiday.( and she was at pains to tell us that it was a week from consultation to surgery to walking) Then they went on holiday with SIL and hubby ( YEAH THAKNS) are we being over sensitive??????????

By then SIL and hubby had seen son once since his birth he was 9months.

CHRSITMAS

All agreed last xmas we would all be at MIL inc SIL and her hubby.
They have a dog and so what ended up as a simple request turned into a full blown F* war.

SIL in very controlling and has to be centre of attention. IN the past when we have met up I take a back seat and stay out of discussions and chats as she is very sensitive and get easily upset,likes to read so we can talk about that has suffered with anorexia and bulimia all her life so I get she has low self esteem so mum and dad pander to her every need so I usually chat to FIL or SIL hubby so MIL can pamper her ( she?s 31 ) We all enjoy the outdoors and art and stuff but I always get the impression that if I talk about my job( I?m a teacher) I?m upsetting the balance, SO needless to say SIL now visits MIL on alternate weekends when we?re not there. ( a bit suspect )

When son was 9 months old we all agreed to go to Lakes for holiday DH booked a 10 bed cottage ( space for my mum and sister for a few days we were there two weeks) and invited MIL /FIL / SIL and her hubby. Hubby of SIL desperate to come as its where he grew up and MIL and FIL love walking and outdoors and were apparently really excited to go.

They kept saying they needed to book train tickets etc we offered to drive them. Then all fell through FIL damaged his knee and needed surgery. Fine I have no issue but to ring up and then say that he has had surgery privately and it was so easy and quick to do the week after our holiday started only upset us more as he damaged his knee some 6 weeks b4 holiday.( and she was at pains to tell us that it was a week from consultation to surgery to walking) Then they went on holiday with SIL and hubby ( YEAH THAKNS) are we being over sensitive??????????

By then SIL and hubby had seen son once since his birth he was 9months.

CHRSITMAS

All agreed last xmas we would all be at MIL inc SIL and her hubby.
They have a dog and so what ended up as a simple request turned into a full blown F* war.

SIL in very controlling and has to be centre of attention. IN the past when we have met up I take a back seat and stay out of discussions and chats as she is very sensitive and get easily upset,likes to read so we can talk about that has suffered with anorexia and bulimia all her life so I get she has low self esteem so mum and dad pander to her every need so I usually chat to FIL or SIL hubby so MIL can pamper her ( she?s 31 ) We all enjoy the outdoors and art and stuff but I always get the impression that if I talk about my job( I?m a teacher) I?m upsetting the balance, SO needless to say SIL now visits MIL on alternate weekends when we?re not there. ( a bit suspect ) oh more sorry

sorry repeated paste The thing is SIL hubby family made them keep the dog in the car previous meeting because of their baby and she complied but with her family she made it into a big issue.
DH had to listen to his mum crying on the phone and saying how upset she was about the stress etc so DH really upset did not expect emotional issue. SIL hubby then text DH and said how dare he upset his wife so much? I said nothing ( fool fool fool)

We went for xmas and as you can imagine she would rather her daughter than her daughter in law there. Made it very clear.

A month later little ones 1st birthday MIL and FIL in law came up SIL could not nake it, that was a disaster as my mum did all the catering and I got an earful from my mum when MIL was overheard saying ( I was there too) why are there people in the kitchen tidying up ( because that?s what people do) she never spoke to my mum despite the last time she had seen her or my sister was at my father?s funeral ( he died a month b4 son was born SORRY AM SOBBING NOW) Our family have always been close and especially after losing dad as they always make out family is so important I thought they would at least like to see grandson even if they believe there son married below him.

That was January I am now 6 months pregnant. I use ring her once a week despite never getting a phone call. I?ve stopped about 6months ago. When we visit I send a card to say thank you etc,

When we are there she chats and laughs and talks to me but either I?m changing and I?m not speaking as much and its like she has her son back. DH has said his M is being very unfair and manipulative but that?s also his mum.

I made him speak to his sister and organise to try and meet up they ?ve seen him once since last nov.

My questions are:

Am I not worth being married to their son?
Is my son not good enough for them ( they?re quite well to do)
I have to listen to MIL who has now invited daughters husbands sister and her baby
To holiday and stay with them and we get all what the little girl can do ( she knows nothing about her grandson despite us always going down to see them.)

At sons first birthday she invited DH couple friends with their daughter to stay with them luckily the wife said I thought that was a bit odd they have known DH from uni days so I could not say anything.

I don?t think I am beneath them I from east London and am asian I don?t think it?s a race issue maybe class but then they may not like me.
I am teacher I?ve travelled and am not stupid. I a teacher in hackney so am quite a touch cookie but everytime I?m there I retreat into the very shell I was not brought up to be.

I never say anything now to my mum and sister as you can imagine what they think and my friends say that?s just the way English people are but that?s not true I know that.

We?re suppose to see them this weekend and I just don?t want to go.

DH has paid for rugby tickets ( so FI is coming up and SIL and hubby )
And he?s bought concert tickets so MIL /FIL and SIL are coming up- I?m not going
You can imagine how it feels they only come up when he spends money.
Am I being over sensitive should I just let DH and son visit and use pregnancy as excuse as its getting harder and harder to tolerate or am I being selfish.

I AM SO SORRY IT BREAKS MY HEART AS I?D DO ANYTHING TO HAVE DAD HERE, MY MUM?S NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH AND THEY?RE FIGHTING FIT.

Oh and they had a week away again with SIL and hubby despite us asking again

Sorry can?t stop crying now
thank you for reading feel like im wasting your time

Sorry you upset, but I think you need to carry on you are.

Step back their your dh family it's down to him to forge a relationship with them.

Oh dear, sounds like you need to take a massive step back from your in-laws. These people are not your family, they are not making you happy or making you feel included in their family. I think you would benefit from not seeing them.

And as for them not taking an interest in your DS - it's their loss. Really, it is. Get on with your life, enjoy your DS and your new baby and don't let these people upset you any more. Leave any family dealinsg to your DH to sort out.

Give yourself a massive hug because I think you need one.

whatever your Mum, sister and friends say, this is not how all English people behave. Your ILs sound horrible!

I agree, you need to step back and stop worrying about them. Let your DH deal with them and concentrate on your DH, DS and new baby. Sod the miserable ILs!

Echo everyone else here, take a deep breath and step back from them. Carry on sending thank you letters when necessary but don't look for their love/approval. It is their loss if they don't embrace you or their son and a terrible shame.

meant your son, their grandson!

Your mil will be closer to her daughter though than she will to you, just like your close to your mum
it's your dh that needs to mend his relationship with his mum
it doesn't matter that she doesn't phone to speak to you, it's nice that she phones and emails her son
I'd try not to get so stressed about it

Agree, take a step back. You shouldnt care what they think of you, your husband loves you and thats enough.
I like my MIL, we get on well but she is much closer to her daughters and does far more for their children than she does mine but i dont let it bother me. She also never rings the home phone, it never occured to me to be upset by this.

If I were you I would stop trying so hard, let them come to you and if they dont, so be it.

You send really nice and thoughtful but your IL's dont seem to be similar so I would guess that your efforts will always be wasted.

thank you thank you so much for responding i was worried i'd get lots of hate mail for being miserable as I know people have alot more to contend with.

I think I just needed some clarity from other mums/ women out there. I do understand that she abso would be closer to her daughter that's why I was having a panic re me and her getting on well when we do meet up as I would never want SIL to feel I was stepping on her toes so it was n't me expecting for her to choose me over SIL I was just worried if that's why SIL has stopped emailing and phoning over the year as we used to speak so it just freaked me out a bit.

And I suppose the tel thing some of my friends say how much there MIL don't care etc etc but they call and speak once a week so maybe my reference in terms of that was a bit wobbly.

Am glad DH is trying to negotiate stuff ( it was I who urged him to try and contact sister after xmas that's why I said nothing) but all of you are right just have to keep going and do the best I can and hope one day sometime soon it all sinks into place.

And as you can imagine hard to speak to my family as they are n't bless them objective. Its been so refreshing to hear thoughts and opinions and please understand I know that it has nothing to do with them being English rude people or horrible people are just that rude and horrible, you've made me feel so much better thank you again for taking time out x x x x